Refiner's Fire - Emerging Heart

Fasting in Midst of It

2010-11-12T18:28:00.003-05:00

I haven't fasted for awhile but felt called last week to get on it. I was worried at first that I was just fasting because I secretly wanted to lose a whole bunch of weight. There, I've said it. But fortunately, during the first three days, I wasn't miserable which is usually a sign for me that God has got my back. Yay God.

This all started because of my other blog, where I am much more regimented and reliable, Meditations from Zion, where I post almost daily as part of my devotional practice. I am doing a very slow walk through the New Testament and responding to verses that capture my imagination. I'm into my third year and I've only reached Ephesians. Anyway, it was somewhere in the 4th chapter that I started feeling uncomfortable with my relationship with the Holy Spirit. And by the time I got to verses 29 and 30 where it talks about "Grieving the Holy Spirit," I was downright despondent.

My quick mouth and harsh words are out of control, just like my eating and just about every other way I relate to my 3D world. The fast was the only way I could think to slow things down. But truly, what I really need is a silent retreat alone or maybe a dose of the All Saints Convent where they give regular folks a place to be quiet. I used to go there all the time. I'm kind of sad I've lost that habit. (mildly funny choice of word there)

All right, so here I am at Day 6 of my fast and I can't say I have a lot to show for it. I've tried to rein in my talking and that's been only slightly successful (at least I didn't blow up at some of the things my teenagers have been saying to me . . . or not saying). And perhaps I haven't zinged anyone or shared any delicious gossip. But truly, have my words been a balm to anyone? That would be the goal.

I think I'm spending too much time in my daily routine with the addition of not eating. That's not how it's supposed to go. Tomorrow I have to work, so I can't do much there. And in the evening, I have to attend a reception and watch everyone eat and drink and try NOT to engage anyone in the "you're what? you're fasting? Why?" etc. But perhaps on Sunday I could do a little road trip just to get away from everything. Take my journal and my heart and look for the God of my heart.

Because that is the point. I think my every day life has done a really good job of clouding my reach inside. My spirit/soul self has one life and my outer self is living another life altogether. We need to merge, connect, create a network, get on Facebook . . . something! We hardly know each other. It's time.

Returning to the Fire

2010-05-03T21:15:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how to get myself back to the conversation I started here with myself. I have put so much energy into the Meditations and Library Looney, that I haven't felt as compelled to write here. I remember thinking that each blog would fill a particular writing need . . . where is that place today? Where is the fire?

There is the writing process itself. I don't have much of a forum for that. I also don't know much, stumbling along from day to day. I keep churning out words. It's humiliating sometimes. But I am determined to keep writing. That has to be the biggest hurdle of all.

Where else is there fire?

There is a deep refining process going on now our children who have reached their late teens. These years are proving much more difficult than I expected, particularly with one kid unstable emotionally, one unpredictably pushing at the envelope of the law, and the other choosing a non-academic future. Their roads feel long and filled with rocks and potholes. I want to go out there and smooth the way, but there is less and less I can do. Can I allow them to just be? Can I allow them to fall and fail? I may have no choice. That's not the way I thought things would go. I'm fighting the disappointment cloud that loves to hang over my head.

And lastly, there is the fire that is my struggle with church. Do we stay where we have been for twenty years or more? What should keep us there? Where else? There is no emergent group nearby. There is no Renovare group nearby. There is just more church. A friend challenged me to consider non-affiliating all together, to take more of a "God journey" that would be built on relationships and then see what might happen from there. If it was just me, I might be able to try it, but what do these teens of mine need? What does Mike want? I don't know. I just don't know. Lots of questions with few answers.

Oh yeah, there's plenty of fire. There's also plenty of dross.

Check out my shelves

2010-04-20T21:19:00.001-04:00

Hi irmgardebrown,

I'm just getting started and moving my reads to this site. How do you like it?

http://www.goodreads.com/friend/i?n=irmgardebrown fire&e=irmgardebrown.fire@blogger.com&i=LTM2MDQyMzEwMzg6Mzgx

- Irmbrown

(brown@hcplonline.info)

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

Goodreads is a community for book lovers. It's a great way to get book recommendations from your friends and others. You can keep a list of books to read, join book clubs, and even take the never-ending book trivia quiz.

To opt-out of future invites to Goodreads please click here.

This email was sent by request to irmgardebrown.fire@blogger.com.

In or Out?

2009-11-14T15:29:00.004-05:00

It's amazing how a point of view can change after all. I used to think that these things were more rooted and inflexible. But I see myself changing each month... each year, my faith morphing, my love of Christ becoming more enduring, more challenging.

For anyone who has read any of my posts over the last year, you know I have been examining and reading lots of books, articles, and posts that have been emanating from the Emergent church movement. The emergents are really a disorderly crew whose spokespeople are self-appointed and express themselves differently, depending on their bent toward writing, speaking or performing. In some ways, it makes it more difficult to corral their points of view... everyone putting emphasis on those areas most important to them.

Most recently, I just finished Take Our Bread by Sara Miles. This is not the type of book I would have read a few years ago. Just by nature of the fact that she is a lesbian would have turned me off and away from her material. But then I also would have missed her love for Christ and the description of her work with the poor and the beautiful way she expresses Christ as the Bread of Life. Sara Miles is walking an authentic life. She is true to herself and her Lord.

A few days ago, I participated in a book discussion group that is an outgrowth of our church reading and discussing The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Holladay in small groups. I would not say this is the most challenging book I've ever read... far from it. But the discussion that came out of the chapters about judging was very interesting and unfortunately, very revealing. One of the participants talked at length about his view of "non-judging" being represented by two concentric circles.... those who are "following the will of God... even poorly" are within the inner circle and less likely to judge while those who are willfully "not following the will of God" are outside. (It almost felt like Project Runway, either you are "in" or you are "out.")

How can anyone talk about "in" and "out" or following the will of God as a black & white experience and not believe this would end up being a judgmental practice.... even if done with "love."

Personally, I can no longer operate this way. If anything, I think we are all "out." We all fail; we all sin and fall out of the will of God daily.

Our pastor explained judging as making an assessment and along with it thinking less (or more) of the other person. If we say someone is either "in" or "out" ... isn't that automatically saying they are less?

I think the trap lies in thinking one sin is more sinful than another. But I don't see that in Jesus. Nor do I see it in Paul, even though he makes lists of sins. But there is still scripture that trumps them all: "...There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. [Romans 3:22b-23]

In the center of those concentric circles is only Christ Jesus and we are all drawn to the magnet of his love: some days we are closer to Him than on other days. But He is always drawing us nearer ... nearer by God to thee.

Adapting to Loving Others

2009-06-12T22:41:00.006-04:00

Just saw Adaptation (the movie) again with Nicolas Cage and Meryl Streep. I liked it so much more this time than the last time. So here's the line to remember: "It's more important who you love than who loves you."

The only time that is not true is in the things of God. God loving me is supremely important... but here's the trick: God's love is unconditional.

Historically, I have judged the quality of those loving me (all the non-gods). And most of those have been found wanting. I'm sorry, truly... globally sorry. And so, tonight, I release you all. Love me or love me not.

I can only own my own feelings, my own intent, my own motives. God will not love me more because I love God. Jesus will not love me more because I love Him. You will not love me more either. I can't make you love me. I can't be who you need me to be. I can't be who you want me to be. And you can't do any better for me. In fact, the key is for me to love you anyway. That's all.

It's fresh and real tonight. What will I remember tomorrow? May this moment stretch into the morning.

Emergent Fracturing

2009-05-18T22:46:00.004-04:00

Well, here's an interesting blog post by Mark Sayers... The Emerging Missional Church Fractures into Mini Movements. Sigh. It's a good overview... but not too encouraging for a newbie who is trying to find her way. Nonetheless, it's important part of the canon.

I'm trying to think how I got to this point. I guess it all started with Phyllis Tickle: her books and thoughts seemed so clear and sound. And the issue she raises, this question of "authority" is affecting this current "fracturing" for sure. I think all of these fractures that Sayers talks about are just flavors, some more appealing to one group than another. He is right about one thing, it is quite similar to fractured protestantism in the form of denominations.

I think back to the beginnings of the charismatic movement (dates me) ... different flavors that developed and warped pretty quickly (is 20 years quick?). And then, aspects of it just got absorbed into local churches. Oh, originally, there were these little pockets and para-church organizations that grew and expanded out by "providing a place" for those hand-raisers to do their thing in a group setting and still attend their "home church." Oh how we prayed that the Holy Spirit would "show up" in our "dead" churches ... or some such foolishness. We all talked that way.

Now, many of these para-church organizations are struggling because those unmet needs are getting met in former "mainline" churches or mega churches.

Will the emergent movement and "emergent worship" do the same? Will it grow in small groups... pods... or cells... and as more people get a taste for it, be brought into the "mainline" churches or mega churches?

I can just see it now... the Emergent Sunday School class. LOL.

Marking the Day

2009-05-12T22:18:00.004-04:00

Today we went to Lily's follow-up appointment for her bone scan. The news was good, although she must have a cat scan next, the doctor believes what they are seeing is benign. He is expecting the scan to verify his diagnosis. Thanks be to God.

Over the past two weeks, I have felt so helpless as we moved toward this day. I didn't want to worry needlessly or become anxious and so I took the only action I felt I could take: I fasted. It was a good fast and I am grateful for these 12 days of centering down and seeking God's unfailing love. Today I broke my fast and I am content in the embrace of God's promises.

Secondly, today, I reached the end of my first year's commitment/effort of keeping a daily devotion. I was not 100% successful at all, nonetheless, I kept at it. I marked my time and days. Tomorrow I begin my second year. For me, this is an important exercise in spiritual discipline and a responsibility to those who have shared in my bible studies.

And lastly, although it is not about an ending or a beginning, I have really embraced a second discipline of writing every day, first my morning meditations and last, before bedtime, my manuscript. This writing time is bringing me great personal joy and fulfillment. In the midst of it all, I can say, I am happy.

And so, I mark this day because I want to remember.

More Clarity on Emergence

2009-05-07T16:58:00.004-04:00

Enjoyed this post from Emergent Village by Jonathan Brink called The Circle of Inclusion. I particularly like his comment that "In refusing to be defined by 'traditional' methods of definitions, the emerging church has taken away the traditional means of arguing." Sounds right.

It's always bothered me when people start asking questions in order to pigeon hole our differences ... "oh you're one of those!"

But then... all the comments! What a melee. I guess that goes with the territory.

Emergent Village and Me

2009-05-06T18:02:00.002-04:00

This is so strange, really. I feel like I'm playing some kind of catch up game. The emergent church movement has been around for 10 years apparently ... it's been around so long that they are already having small group sessions and workshops to figure out what to do next ... growing pains even! It's like coming into the latest style after everyone else is starting to wear something else.

And here I am, so terribly new to the process, trying to read all that I can read and understand what is happening "out there." I'm not a theologian. I'm not in or connected to a university. I'm not an x, y or z generation. And it's taking awhile to figure out where everyone else (EV) has been so then I can understand why they are concerned about the now or the future.

I've even read where some younger folks in the emergent movement believe it has passed its prime. That seems amazing to me. I mean, most of the books have just come out in the last 4-5 years. Like everything else, it's all moving very fast.

The only avenue for "emergent conversation" for me is virtual. I'm trying to feel my way into a connection. It's all so interesting. But it's not so easy to feel a part of it. No matter what folks say about it, there is a language and a now, even a history, that must be known to participate.

Well, I'll just keep pressing on ... pressing in. If you're interested... here's a place to start: Emergent Village.

I Am, Because You Are

2009-04-11T11:38:00.003-04:00

I've just continued to read and read as I pursue understanding about the Emergent movement and what this might mean for me. Great Emergence by Phyllis Tickle was so significant and I appreciate her style so much that I have picked up some of her early titles. It's always interesting to go backward in an author's canon, seeing the seeds of ideas that will be fully articulated later.

Anyway, I'm reading her Prayer is a Place right now. This book is more biographical in addition to her "observations" of American religion during her time as the religion editor at PW (Publisher's Weekly). But it is here that she asks many of the questions that she answers more fully in Great Emergence.

Among those questions is "what makes us human?" Historically, it has been based on Descartes aphorism, "I think, therefore I am." But as our world and culture have changed around us, as more difficult questions are examined, like abortion, euthanasia, robotics, and more, there must be further examinations to this "human-ness" question.

I was astounded as she shared her discovery of ubuntu, an African theological/philosophical term that she learned from Desmond Tutu. In essence, it means, "I am, because you are." When I read this last night, I thoroughly arrested. This is a mind-boggling concept and must be pondered (both in the heart and soul). She illustrated the idea with Quantum physics where "without the observer, the observed is not, because it is indeterminate. Once observed, it is determinate and therefore is as it has been observed."

My first thought went to Second Life, a virtual community that I participate in sporadically now. But when you visit there in your avatar form, you can only "see" the parts of the community within your "virtual perception." If you fly about (yes, that's the most popular mode of travel), the canvas unfolds (or "rezzes") as you enter the area. It unfolds. It is always there and others are rezzing their areas, but for you, what you see and interact with... that's what is real for that moment. This was my first construct.

My second thought goes back to the work I have been doing, as a result of a study of Philippians, about koinonia (or community) and the sacred other. Our human-ness is directly related to our relationships. It requires more mindfulness then, our contact with others. Community and connection then is an essential to human-ness. Isolation places tremendous stress on a person and may, actually, sap their soul.

More to think about... more to consider.

Little Beginnings

2009-03-24T22:32:00.004-04:00

Had a great weekend with my friend in New York... was great to talk, laugh, EAT, go to the theatre, remember old times. In just a few short days, that fellowship time, renewed my heart and I am ready to begin again.

These little beginnings are what I'd like to know in my spirit life. I know that each day is new ... I mean, I know this intellectually. But I want this truth experientially.

From my friend I received unconditional love, encouragement, empathy, appreciation, and more. I know that God can do this for me... to me... with me. Every day. It's a breath. It's faith.

My Brain is Firing Off

2009-03-19T22:40:00.004-04:00

I'm doing FB and Twitter and in just a week of Emergent news, my brain is firing off like crazy. My book list just got 5 books longer by going to The Well. And then, I just had to check out tweets from Ashton Kutcher & the Mrs. about The Shack! And then... and then... and now, it's already moving into the night hours.

OK. Slow down. One book at a time.

But then, my bible study tonight was fabulous. These folks just signed up for what they thought would be a "traditional" study of Philippians and I'm introducing them to koinonia! And before I even read the post about the Indwelling Christ, the last half of our class was about Knowing Christ intimately, being "In Christ," and allowing the Holy Spirit to really do an authentic circumcision of the heart. Paul's desire to "know Christ" was complete and total. It was his mantra.

There's just this tremendous synchronicity going on my heart... my soul... my mind. It's all good. But ... it's fast!

Studying All Things Emergent

2009-03-17T22:38:00.004-04:00

Well, I've started doing what I love to do: reading everything I can get my hands on that will catch me up to what is happening in this "Emergent" & "Emerging" "postmodern" Christian movement. I am so enjoying this process. Of course, I'm always so envious as I roam the web finding blogs and websites and lists of places where Emergent worship is already happening: cities pretty much but not all. And so, there's hope for this little Maryland town too. :-)

So, here's what I've read or I'm reading (also can see my list of want to reads on Facebook's Virtual Bookshelf app):

The Great Emergence by Phyllis Tickle (perfect introduction to the movement along with overview of the great cataclysms in our church past)
The New Christians: Dispatches from the Emergent Frontier by Tony Jones (Emergent Village head honcho - a loose cohort of emergent communities around the country ... and a few out of the country)
Reading now ... an older title of Tickle's called Prayer is a Place. I love her writing style/voice. She speaks directly to me.
Waiting in the wings: It: How Church Leaders Can Get It and Keep It by Greg Groeschel. I'm not sure where he fits into all this yet. I'm pretty sure he's not "emergent" but I think he's worth reading.
And then I think I'm ready to go back to McLaren... whose books I bought 2 years ago, but I wasn't ready ... or didn't have the framework I have now to read them. So, I have Everything Must Change: Jesus, Global Crises, and a Revolution of Hope; and A Generous Orthodoxy
Also, on my bookshelf, two titles by Erwin Raphael McManus: The Barbarian Way and The Unstoppable Force... but I'm not sure how he fits into this framework yet either.

And then I wonder about other voices out there ... Dan Allender at Mars Hill Graduate School (for it was Allender who introduced me to "Story" some five years ago) and The Shack guys who intrigued me, not so much by the book itself but the process by which the book evolved and how their questions about "what is church?" have become their own type of phenomenon. Do they all interweave somewhere out in the ether? I really don't know.

Since I'm not able to have a conversation with any of these folks in person, I'll be satisfied for now with the books and the Word and my time with the Lord Himself. And maybe after I get the lay of the land, I'll enter some virtual conversations. We'll see.

I just know I want something more from my worship experience. I want to be free in my "church community." I want to be myself ... who reads all kinds of books and watches all kinds of movies and sometimes even blows it in a big way language-wise. I want to ask hard questions of myself and others. I only want one litmus test for my faith: knowing Jesus and Him crucified & resurrected for me. I want a place ... a fellowship... a desire for a true koinonia has been birthed in me through my study of Philippians.... where we can follow the "way of Jesus" together in love and humility and trust.

Emerging Worship Returns

2009-02-06T11:50:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm putting my foot back out there. Not sure where this will head but I mentioned to Randy that I think we should transform our Sunday night service into an Emerging Worship service... a dream I had some two years ago but had to let go... is it time now?

In the meantime, just discovered there's a "EM" movement in the Methodist Church (go figure) and one in the Presbyterian denomination (ok... I've been away for awhile!). So, maybe it's actually passe and I need to keep looking. :-)

Actually, I feel drawn to renew my interest ... starting here. I know this one thing for sure--worship in its current design is no longer engaging my soul or my heart. It is time for meaningful change before I just drop out.

Golden Notebook

2008-11-12T21:27:00.004-05:00

Well, I've decided it's time to reread The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing. As much as I hate to admit it, my blogging has become compartmentalized and some pieces are losing their identity. I spend so much effort on my bible study blog right now ... but that course is almost done so it may languish until January... and then, there's my meditations blog that is current due to our current "50 days with Jesus" series (I love echoing topics when I have a strong sense of where things are headed)... and then, there's my children of heaven blog that has been waiting for movement with the pictures from Africa but I ran out of funds ... and finally there's this one, my true heart for so long, but no focus now.

It's time to connect to the golden moments. It's time to capture them as there have been many, but they careened right on through and had no moment in the sun. For a time, it was the writing of my manuscript that absorbed all of my efforts. That's not a bad thing. I'm still counting on a resurgence there as well. I'm praying for that.

And then, there was the death of Jan Manna. I so wanted to write a memorial to her. She was such a fine woman, a kind and lovely lady whose faith was a beacon for many.

And most recently, the change in my jobs from web guru to public servant. I'm still reeling at this huge change in my work. I chose to change... it's a good thing, but it's a testimony to the internal transformations as well.

Yes, it's time for this "notebook" to be cracked open.

Choosing Civility

2008-06-04T15:15:00.003-04:00

It's pretty amazing to me that P.M. Forni's book, Choosing Civility, is becoming a runaway concept that is reaching into the fabric of everyday lives. Why has he reached the "tipping point" now? I don't know. Here in Maryland, it's even appearing as a county-wide Choose Civility Project in Howard County. Are these new "rules" ... these 25 rules of considerate conduct? Not really. As far as I've read in the book, it's basic Christian stuff.

About 3-4 weeks agao, I got to hear him speak at a library conference of all things! He was wonderful. Of course, that Italian accent doesn't hurt either. I say, Go for it! If it's easier to remember Forni's rule, "think the best" than it is Luke 22:24-30.

In case you're not the familiar, here are the "rules."

Pay attention
Acknowledge others
Think the best
Listen
Be inclusive
Speak kindly
Don't speak ill
Accept and give praise
Respect even a subtle "no"
Respect others' opinions
Mind your body
Be agreeable
Keep it down (and rediscover silence)
Respect other people's time
Respect other people's space
Apologize earnestly
Assert yourself
Avoid personal questions
Care for your guests
Be a considerate guest
Think twice before asking for favors
Refrain from idle complaints
Accept and give constructive criticism
Respect the environment and be gentle to animals
Don't shift responsibility and blame

Just an Update

2008-03-06T17:37:00.003-05:00

Oh, as we get older the body certainly does put a crimp in the old lifestyle. Endoscopy results were not great ... GERD for sure! Lovely. And inflamed esophagus and stomach lining. Doc took a biopsy. Yuk. Results in 10 days. Ok, Lord. Help me "make meaning" of all this.

Bible Study class tonight... in general, I think it's going well. Losing a few here and there, I'll be surprised if there are 10 by end... 12 weeks (plus the lost weeks now, make 15) is a long time to commit to a study. It's a good study, I think, and gives me some flights of fancy.

Last night, taught my new "Get Organized & Get Things Done" mini-workshop based on David Allen's GTD book. That went well although I had to laugh because most of the people in the class were retired. That's not a good sign. I figured I'd have lots of time to get organized by then. :-)

This weekend is busy for the kids... Lily goes to the Reunion gathering for Chrysalis, Saturday, Lily & Sergei go to 4th day workshop to learn about being on a team, and Kip, all weekend is in lifeguard training. Their lives are starting to look like mine.

Challenging Contentment

2008-02-23T11:20:00.002-05:00

I've been sick all week and I can't help but wonder as I look at my previous post if this isn't a challenge to that contentment I was feeling. Everything was busy but buzzing right along. I was taking lots of steps in lots of directions, but I was very clear headed. I was even exercising regularly.

Then, whap! I get this mysterious stomach ailment... no one's sure yet what it is... sonogram negative, catscan not very illuminating, and next I get an endoscopy. It's taken the wind out of my sail. I'm trying not to get down about the whole thing, but it's hard to do what I do when I'm down physically. I've been in bed a lot and lethargic and I've watched so many episodes of Law and Order reruns that I can almost put them in order. I'm hungry but afraid to eat ... although that's a little better now that I've got something stronger for the gas ... oh yeah, gas is such a joke until you have so much of it that you can hardly breathe for the pain of it. I felt like a balloon and I just wanted a needle to POP me. So that part's better, but now there's this lingering ache right below the sternum... sigh. We'll see.

It does make you think though... I even contemplated what it might mean to be in the early stages of something serious. Why does the mind go there? I guess because I'm usually healthy... so I'm not so good when I'm sick. What would I do though? How would I react? How would I use my days? How would I express my faith? How would walk the last walk? That's what fear does... lots of questions.

Well, I don't know and can't know. So, I choose today to pass this one up to the Sovereign King. Unlock the mystery as You will.

It's All Good...

2008-01-26T12:16:00.000-05:00

Too many blogs ... too many projects ... too many thoughts ... ah well.

Today... let's look at today. I am working on a new "overall" project from David Allen's GTD (Getting Things Done)... in other words, I'm trying to organize my life (again!) har har. Actually, I am more hopeful this time as the system is more holistic and covers both my work life and my home life. I'm even teaching a class on Monday (oh my) on this topic. Actually, I did this to myself on purpose... learn by teaching and doing at the same time. It keeps me focused.

On Thursday, Feb 7th, I'm back to teaching a Bible Study, this time, based on a workbook by Nancy Leigh DeMoss... I have some issues with this, but I'm working through it. I hope to talk to Craig about the tension between being humble ... I mean, there's a Catch22 here... if you say you're humble, you're not, etc. Again, the class is keeping me in the Word and that's a good thing, despite the extra stress. More on this at the Wisdom Seekers blog.

I'm trying to get some of the Africa pictures ready for Rachelville. Actually, Rachelville started out as a website and pictures by a very sick little girl who created it while struggling leukemia and a number of other mind-boggling ailments. She died May 17, 2000. Sometime later, her parents discovered Second Life, a virtual world where they could create Rachel's dream in a simulated environment. I have entered this new virtual world through the library and by the by, met Rachel's father, Bill Sowers, known as Rocky Vallejo in Second Life and he has offered me an opportunity to display some of the kids' pictures from Africa. We hope to complete this project by the first of February. I will be talking more about this project as well as the follow-up photograpy project on the Children of Heaven blog.

Today is catch up on all the blogs. It's time.
Oh, by the way, my heart is ... well, I don't know, it feels pretty good. I am more content with myself than I have ever been. And that's a good thing!

Return from Africa

2007-12-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

We have been home from Africa almost 3 weeks. It's hard to believe. The journey was amazing. That trip was predominately tracked on the Children of Heaven blog. But, life came at me fast and I've barely had a moment to process the trip. I did manage to put up some of the kids' pics from Zambia on FlickR ... but the Namibia pics still need to be touched and then, there's my own pictures. I really hope the holiday time gives me some slow down time since we're not traveling this year. The big news is that I'll be doing a "gallery opening" with some of the pics on Second Life. It will be a big job... but it's a clear target to get the images up. More on that later.

Right now, just want to stop running: holiday madness; luncheons; lunch dates; presents; overseas packages; my car needing work; Mike's car dying; buying a "new" car; visa card shock... what more could there be. It clouds all that I experienced in Africa... the whirl of western culture clamoring... when kids are waiting for someone to notice... we're dying!

Only By His Sacrifice

2007-10-23T17:41:00.001-04:00

This slideshow was put together originally for a women's retreat, but the images were so powerful I wanted to share them. Special thanks goes to Jacques Lilavois who I discovered on the web and who gave me permission to use his beautiful song, By Your Mercy. I'm still learning about Animoto, so I may re-work the kinks. But it's a pretty good start. Hope this touches you as it has touched me working on it.

Why Aren't We Praying?

2007-09-19T08:28:00.000-04:00

Here's the topic I think... it's somehow connected with this urgency I felt last week to investigate further the 'praying of the psalms.' And then, within days, Craig came and asked if I would do the sermon on the 29th-30th weekend.

I'm in the collecting stage. I don't have much time... I know so much has been written and said about prayer... Lord... what do you have to say this day... this week?

Praying about praying. That's pretty funny.

Empire - Alternate Future and Now

2007-08-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

Just want to thank Orson Scott Card for his book, Empire.

On a whim, I grabbed this title as an audio book from our library. At first, I thought I was going to be doused with a particularly strong right-wing political/cultural point-of-view through his main character, Reuben... only to have that character die about 1/2 way through the book and left his "left-wing" wife to carry on as his widow. OK.... that got my attention. :-)

I wanted to race through the book ... but that's not possible since I can't "race" through a talking book ... anyway, I was pleasantly surprised to discover an Afterword in Card's own voice espousing his views on the polarization of America and how difficult it is to straddle (or dwell between) any of those "camps."

" ... any rational observer has to see that the Left and Right in America are screaming the most vile accusations at each other all the time. We are fully polarized -- if you accept one idea that sounds like it belongs to either the blue or the red, you are assumed -- nay, required -- to espouse the entire rest of the package, even though there is no reason why supporting the war against terrorism should imply you're in favor of banning all abortions and against restricting the availability of firearms; no reason why being in favor of keeping government-imposed limits on the free market should imply you also are in favor of giving legal status to homosexual couples and against building nuclear reactors. These issues are not remotely related, and yet if you hold any of one group's views, you are hated by the other group as if you believed them all; and if you hold most of one group's views, but not all, you are treated as if you were a traitor for deviating even slightly from the party line. " Read more.

These extremes haunt me in my own church and work life where assumptions are made every day about my "political party" (even though I insist on being called an Independent) and my "world view. " Example: One Sunday morning a kind-hearted soul had the temerity to describe a man he met as being a "Liberal" and an "Environmentalist" - as though these were really good examples of how far the man had strayed from the truth ... and apparently, into sin. For heaven's sake!

I am also a librarian... free speech! Free to read! All of that. And yep, I've read all the Harry Potter books, so there! I believe in free will. But I also wouldn't put American Psycho in a library if I could help it and I'm glad our computers are filtered (particularly after a man actually "licked" one of our computers while watching pornography).

I am a strong believer... Jesus Christ is my rock and my anchor. I love to worship and I enjoy contemporary Christian music. I also like jazz.... and even, on occasion, some R&B.

I'm a techie and a blogger and I even have a presence on Second Life.... these are connections and social networks I enjoy building. But these elements of "me" are also experiencing a certain type of tension. After all, who will read what I write? Who is my audience?

As a result, I feel I must constantly modulate my faith, my language, and even my point of view around the extremes of my colleagues at work as well as my faith family. I must prove that I am still "ok" - that I am normal or faithful or whatever phrase gives comfort to my circles of influence.

So, I'll just say it again, I appreciate Orson Scott Card's voice. It's not that I agree with all things Card either... we would definitely separate on our beliefs in the deity of Christ (Card holds fast to the Mormon teachings... )... but I will say, I believe I can give him room there knowing that he would do the same for me.

Pressures of Time

2007-08-02T22:40:00.000-04:00

I am maintaining too many blogs! Most of the rest are about topics of interest or for library work, but this is my heart and I am setting my heart aside too often. Ah well, tomorrow great niece, Jaana, comes from Estonia and we will show her all the "stuff" - from DC to NYC to the ocean... it's tourist time.

Tomorrow afternoon we celebrate Lily's first Gotcha Day! Hard to believe she's been here a year. We are opening our doors to neighbors and friends to drop by... it means so much to her, I do hope people will come.

And I'm doing an Emmaus weekend... what was I thinking to work on a team this fall with our Africa mission trip right behind it? Well, Lord, you're the commissioner. I'm trusting in each of these commissions... but keep my mind clear, my heart pure, and my temper in check! :-)

To be Known or Not Known

2007-07-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

Just posted a comment on a stranger's blog because she was wondering if she should tell her current boyfriend that she blogs. Most of her readers commented with a "no" ... and then it hit me. As more people know that I blog here - the less free I feel to write what I really think or believe or experience. That's not good! It's a conundrum.

It must go back to the arbitrary cubicles we create in our lives. This part of my life is private, this part is not. This part is full of pain, this part is not. This part holds my current angst... oh Lord, can I write about that? What if ... what if... he reads it or she reads it? The only solution is to go back to total anonymity ... to start over, that is, in order to have total freedom in my writing. Don't name names... re-work situations to keep everyone safe, etc. Crap, crap, crap!

I'm reminded of The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing. It's been years since I read that book and perhaps, I'd view it differently today (probably need to re-read it) ... but the part I remember was her way of writing about the various aspects of her world in different journals(differentiated by color as I recall) ... I even remember trying it once... buying a variety of journals, thinking I would write categorically about my life. It sounded good in concept and yet I couldn't maintain it. The categories didn't seem so clear once I actually sat down to write.

And yet, there's something of this problem in blogging. This is my inaugural blog and it is still the closest one to a personal journal or journey. It started on the spiritual side, but then got interwoven in our adoption of Lily. When our daughter finally arrived, I wanted to be honest about our transition period, but I was counseled against it (for her safety) and for any resentments or hurts she might experience if she ever read about my rollercoaster feelings.

In the end, my writing dropped dramatically this year because I no longer felt safe in my previous anonymity. It's a paradox: I write to be known and yet I don't want to be known by those who know me (or think they know me). And yet, don't we write to be read? Don't we blog for the same reason?

Remembering Yoki

2007-05-17T20:44:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night, May 15, 2007, Yolanda King died. Mike called me with the news Wednesday morning and I was stunned. How could this be? She's younger than me.

Yoki lived in the limelight as well as the shadow of an amazing father. During the 3 years I knew her in graduate school, she tried not to capitalize on her notoriety. She was kind and gentle and thoughtful and above all else, she wanted to be liked for herself, not for her position in the Black society of the early 70's. She wanted a career in the theatre and for this reason, she placed herself in one of the most rigorous acting programs of that time. We were there in the years of Peter Kass and Olympia Dukakis.

I remember our tears in acting class as we tried to find our individual "truths." I remember when it was just Yoki, Bil, Claire, and Roy. Looking back, I can see we were just five very dysfunctional friends trying to "make meaning" by mashing up modern dance, poetry, and theatre. We were pretty darn interesting despite all the craziness. I remember the gospel music. I remember going to Harlem churches with Yoki... a much different experience than going to Harlem alone. I remember going to Atlanta for a summer residency at the King Center and meeting the extended King family of sister, brothers, uncles & aunts. I remember Ebenezer Baptist Church. I remember sunbathing in Coretta Scott King's backyard (what was I thinking?). I remember the house: a museum to Dr. King ... every inch of wall space covered with pictures of him and his family, friends, and political contacts. I remember seeing his Nobel Peace prize.

I remember Yoki's apartment on 8th street. I remember her kitten falling out of the window. I remember her diets. I remember the times we would hang out at Lady Astor's. I remember the rehearsals ... endless rehearals on one of Bil's pieces. I remember the parties. I remember celebrating my baptism. I remember celebrating her birthday. I remember dressing up. I remember her beautiful, sensuous lips. I remember her confusion as she struggled with the demands of her heritage.

I remember Mrs. King coming to our graduation ceremony in Washington Square. Yoki arranged it so my own mother and brother could sit with Mrs. King. It was a high point for my mother ... and for me.... to have my graduation pictures sprinkled with the King family. Mrs. King was one of the most gracious women I have ever met. She taught her daughters to be the same.

I remember the last time I saw Yoki, many years later, when she came to Maryland on a Black History month whirlwind. I met her latest boyfriend and she met my husband. We talked about the old days over dinner. And then, like a throwback, the tires of her rental car were slashed so we had to take them to the airport. Some things never seem to change.

Over the years, I have always received Christmas cards and announcements from Yoki, but of course, I was no longer on her truly personal list and most of the correspondence was done by her staff. All the same, I counted her friend for three intense years of my life.

May God give peace to your soul, Yoki, old friend.

Meditations and Other Disciplines

2007-03-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

As a gift to my church, I have created another blog: Meditations from Zion... this blog, for now, is a daily scripture, as selected by our pastor for contemplation during Lent. After Lent is over, I hope the blog will become a place for people to "echo" the sermons or share a story about connecting/reflecting God in their lives.

I've continued my daily prayer fairly consistently and more importantly, with a heart to do not just as a requirement. I've found my daily commitment to Practicing the Presence to be worthwhile and I've added Examen ... this discipline is important as a review of the day. I had hoped to do it in the evenings, but I can't seem to remember to incorporate a quiet time before I go to bed. I think that's something to move toward. Nonetheless, I am finding the Examen valuable even in the morning as I think about my previous day(s). The two questions that work best for me in this discipline is when did I feel most connected to God and the opposite, when did I feel most disconnected. Because of my nature, I tend to dwell too long on the disconnected moments. Inevitably, they are moments of anger or gossip or times when I want someone to think more highly of me as I tell of how someone else put me down. It's not a happy time to remember. But slowly I am learning to turn these disconnected moments over to God. That is, after all, the point. And conversely, give thanks for the connected time.

Practicing the Presence

2007-03-06T21:19:00.000-05:00

I have marked Lent this year. It seemed important to mark it in a particular way. I just couldn't skip along through this season without laying down my heart before God and repenting of a number of wrong turns. Life is, after all, full of new beginnings.

I called my kids into the process as best I could and in the basics, they are "giving up" something... foods mostly, from French Toast to Pasta to Ice Cream... and me, I'm giving up Diet Coke... only those who really know me can appreciate THAT sacrifice... :-)

But they didn't get the "adding part." I thank our old priest/friend Jeff W for that insight ... that Lent is not just about sacrificing something we love but adding something as well: a discipline if you will. And so, I have resolved to re-enter amorning time again with God and to examine some of these disciplines. As good fortune would have it, I found a text that is ideal for my adventure called Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices that Transform Us by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun. Similar to Richard Foster's, Prayer, this book touches on a number of disciplines and gives suggested practices for each one. She encourages the reader to skim through them initially to find the one that touches the heart the most. She covers over 60 disciplines.

At first, I considered investigating journaling further ... but really, once I read through her description and suggested practices, I could say, yes, I know this discipline. She adds, "There is no right way to journal. You don't need to journal every day or even every week. Find the rhythm of journaling that suits your phase and stage of life." Yes. I have been walking this world both on paper and online and her words gave me a type of permission to claim my on again/off again ways as OK... because they are mine. So, I'll never write the Golden Notebook... well, maybe I will... but for now, this is all good for this time of my life.

And so, I moved to another: Practicing the Presence of God... of course, that phrase is modeled after Brother Lawrence's book by the same title. I could never hope to achieve that level of devotion, but I do want to draw my mind and heart more frequently to God's presence. I've co-opted a simple tactic. I bought a little digital watch that chimes on the hour. What a revelation! A hour passes so quickly and the mind is sucked up into the cares of the world in moments. And even more amazing, it's even more difficult to stop each hour for a short prayer when I'm on my "own time" at home than it is at work! Hmmm, oh pride.

Other notes: our pastor has asked us to corporately read an assigned scripture each day. These have added to my examination of the heart. And I've started a Women's Bible Study in my home: Wisdom Seekers. I'm blogging/journaling that as well. Seeking wisdom... seeking God... seeking the deeper walk.

Unsettling Life on Purpose

2007-02-01T13:40:00.000-05:00

OK, I confess, I went out for a job interview. Now, that's an experience I haven't had in a long time. That was an interesting, but terribly unsettling process. Just re-doing the old resume sends a billion shivers up my spine: what if? what if? what if? And then, you mention it, sort of in passing to the family ... what will they say? In this case, the kids were pretty supportive... the husband, well, not so much. But of course, moving is supoosedly THE most stressful thing to do for a man... that's what I've heard. So, you put out the resume and take a breath. It's fine. Nothing happens.

Then, a phone call and suddenly, you've scheduled an interview and the what if bumps multiply exponentially. I even found myself internet surfing the real estate market. It's a little shocking. Is the grass really greener over there? I'm not so sure... will I still have a room to myself where I can contemplate ... or maybe just think about contemplating? Will I still have a fantastic triple window that draws me to the wonder of the woods and their seasonal transformations? Will I have custom made storage shelves? Will I have a room for all my craft supplies that I dream of using one day soon.

And then, the interview itself actually happens. It was wonderful really. The stars aligned and I felt like I really had something to give to this new organization. Everything hopeful and helpful came bubbling forth. The job seemed perfect for me... for my personality ... can I see myself walking up these stairs and down this hallway? Can I see myself behind that desk? Can I see myself in a corner office?

To top it all off... I get an offer. Whoa! That's not supposed to happen. I mean, I was looking... I'm always looking, just in case. But I didn't really expect an offer on my first time out of the gate. Now what!

We had a family conference... a really serious one. And in the end, the timing is just not quite right. The offer, not quite enough to disrupt everything and everyone. It was a flurry.... a great, amazing flurry. And I learned so much about myself. I'm not sure what the next event will be. But there are options now that I didn't really believe were there before. As ole' Martha Stewart would say, "that's a good thing."

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T22:51:00.000-05:00

Well, it's almost time to wrap up 2006. What a year to remember... I just flew through my posts and I am amazed at my own roller coaster ride. Is there any surprise that I'm still reeling? I am truly overwhelmed ... by events, but also by God's faithfulness in the face of my fears and doubt. Now, truly, it's time to begin a new kind of journey. Although I don't usually rabble-rouse anymore or go out on the town, the New Year is a time for reflection and renewal. I don't like to think of them as resolutions... just starting points.

I'm going to try some new things this year... to venture out a bit into some new territory for me. One calling is to lead a Bible Study ... it's time for me to do this. I have put it off for a long time and although this is far from a good time, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a good thing. The challenge now is to focus on my first topic... I am intrigued by the challenge and how it will drive me back into the Word and into prayer. This is one of the keys for me.

There is also the long awaiting manuscript... yes, I need to return to this place too.

I am missing "friends." I feel a bit alone out here, despite a sweet and loving daughter nearby but there is friendship hole that is not being filled. Have I neglected the friends I have had in the past or are we just going different ways? Is it all too late? Have I missed their reaching out to me? Did I hurt them and not even know it? I know that our new family has put demands on my time in ways I could not have imagined, but now, I'm just feeling a lonely. Can this New Year also bring new connections between me and other women? Can I be open enough to see the opportunities? I pray I can...

Holidays are Flying By...

2006-12-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

How does this happen? I really thought I was keeping up... but look here, it's almos Christmas! Thanksgiving was a joy but so quickly gone. My brother came along with 16 others: the Schwartz's, the Williams, and a wonderful missionary couple from Zambia. We stretched out 3 tables from the dining room into the living room and had a glorious feast.

Right now, I've got to get back downstairs and finish my European packages... they are once again, a few days late getting into the mail. But our tree is up and our lights are up and the house is decorated... most of the shopping done, now it's cookies and wrapping. What a bizaare ritual, these Christmas days. How have they become so? I don't really understand. It's expensive and stressful and yet, I would miss it terribly if it were cancelled. Well, I just wanted to get a post up before too much time elapsed. More later.

Getting My House In Order

2006-11-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a bit driven lately to "get my house in order." In the past, this has been a precursor to great change ... a sense of "something coming." And, to be honest, those previous "somethings" haven't all been good. I remember this feeling before I divorced the first time or when I moved from one state to another or when I changed jobs or when someone died. It's a "preparation" time for the event to come, but this time, I'm highly aware of it and as a result, a little afraid, I think.

I'm probably wrong, really. It may be my reaction to a life out of control. "Getting my house in order" may be about creating a surer footing in the face of fractured communications and strong demands on my time, energy, and resources by 3 full-fledged teenagers and a scattered mate.

But, in any case, it's both internal and external... the renovating of the living room & hall, the organizing, the ordering of books on shelves, the finding of a "home" for everything... that's the external... and, at the same time, looking inside for the kernel of self ... the little girl who knows her Father and walks with Him hand in hand... the woman who knows her Lover and reveals herself to Him... the mother who knows the true Son and ponders His truths in her heart: the Self who knows the Other and sees her reflection.

Celebrations and Transitions

2006-10-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

October is our month for celebrations: first my birthday and then Lily's yesterday (the 22nd) and then our Anniversary on the 30th - good gracious, 24 years! Now, that's a long time.

Lily's birthday was fun. She really enjoyed being the queen for the day. She reminded everyone that she should have certain privileges - like sitting in the front seat on the way to the restaurant, ordering whatever she wanted on the menu, going into the stores she wanted to see at the mall, and once home, picking out which gifts to open first. It was like a mini-Christmas and like a little kid, she flashed through everything at first and then, later that evening, slowing went through each item and savored it on her own. Apparently, in Russia, most people don't even open presents in front of others, so she's just now getting the hang of this very American custom.

Her favorite gift was a little "electronic pet" - apparently, this one is a little more reliable than little Pinky who still barks a lot and has quite the mind of his own. Early in October, Lily got to attend her high school's homecoming dance with one of the other ESL students, Barbara. They had a great time and Lily was particularly thrilled to get to "dress up."

On a sad note, we lost Mercy, our senior citizen cat two weeks ago. This loss was hard for everyone in the family despite the fact that her age and blindness and general poor health had worn us all to the bone. Mike and I took her to the vet together for the "big shot" and cried with her as she passed gently into sleep. She was over 20 years old and had been with us most of our married years. Truly, the end of an era for us.

My Birthday

2006-10-10T22:04:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday. In some ways, it wasn't terribly memorable. After all, the family celebrated this past Sunday with a nice brunch in a great restaurant (of course, the kids complained about the menu... sigh!)... and with Lily driving the "let's go shopping for Mom's (pronounced muam) birthday presents, I got quite the "haul" this year. That's a switch.

But here's the reality. I'm in that next "age group" box. I hate that. Officially, I'm now in the last box ... 55 and older. Yowl! I can hardly stand it. I think I'll have a real crisis here shortly.... yep, it's coming!

Then, yesterday, I decided to tackle the "weight issue" again. That was obviously age motivated as well. Nonetheless, here was today's litany: the only thing you can really control is what you eat today. That about sums it up.

Girl Time

2006-09-17T21:44:00.000-04:00

I am almost to the point where having a daughter is becoming "some part" of normal. Lily is calling out the girl of me, a part I didn't realize I had somehow lost over the years. I was never much of a girly-girl but I do remember long talks with the girlfriends of my youth. I think it's a good thing for her ... for me, to capture these feelings, these connections now. As her English improves and she finds new friends, our special times will probably diminish.

But for now, she looks for me at night, right before bed, and asks for talking time. Tonight, we looked at one of my old yearbooks and she laughed as I showed her pictures of old boyfriends. She wants to know my story and she wants me to know hers.

Today is Kip's birthday. It was fun to have another girl in the house insisting that all the presents be wrapped and secrets kept. I am amazed, really, that my little boy is fourteen. And soon, I know it will happen too soon, he will be bringing a young woman home to meet Mom and Dad. Will there be girl time then too? I wonder.

Each New Day

2006-09-05T20:58:00.000-04:00

Like this sun rising over Assateague Island, each new day has been an adventure... a discovery... through watching Lily transform right before our eyes and a new family transform from four to five. The boys have been great. I'm so proud of them. I'm so proud of her. She's an amazing girl. We're getting better at this new family each day.

I have relished my time at home as a full time mom (for a few weeks), but with the start of school on August 28th, so did my work (at 3/4 time), so I still have after school with the kids. It's a special time. I didn't realize what I was missing before. There's an energy that explodes from the kids right after school. I see them in a different way than I did at 6 pm after work.

The only thing I have too little of is time alone. I look at this sunrise and remember what it took to crawl out of bed while the kids were sacked out in the motel.... to drive over onto the island ... to wait for the sun. When I started this journaling journey, over a year ago, I created a space to call my own and I created a morning vigil. I trained myself to rise early and have that alone time. Now, even 5 am isn't early enough. I'm really tired. Lily rises almost as early to get ready and catch her school bus by 6:30. Do I go back to the late night? I don't know. I'll need to squeeze something out. I need to feel the rising son in my soul.

2006-08-13T08:36:00.000-04:00

Kip, Sergei & Lily at Williamsburg... the weather wasn't very cooperative the first day, but after that, we had two great days at the parks. The best thing at Water Country was Hubba Hubba... but we called it Lazy River, and at Busch Gardens (although a little disappointed in the variety of rides) we enjoyed all the roller coasters. Even Mom took the "plunge" and got on the one with dangling feet (once is enough). Today we're off to the beach. Hurrah!

Just One More

2006-08-09T20:54:00.000-04:00

Well, it's all true... we couldn't resist to add one more to our family. May I introduce Pinky Brown. The boys want to add a more macho middle name but for Lily, I guess he'll always be just Pinky. Our shelter dog arrived today and although things went great with all the cats and with Daisy, the Boston Terrier, it's Winston, the old man Pug, who's having some adjustment problems. Tomorrow, we're off to the beach and Mike will be in charge of the transition for Pinky. Lily doesn't want to leave him, but I think everything will be fine. We're looking forward to a great week.

Family Fun & Shelter Dog

2006-08-05T19:50:00.000-04:00

It's been one week for Lily as an American. She's been doing really great! I am so proud of her. And today, she really started showing her personality. We were driving to the "Russia House," a store in Northwest Baltimore and I pulled out a nail file to quickly file down a broken nail. Her mouth dropped open, "What you doing? You crazy?" Then she said, "I'm young, I want to live. You old, you want to die, OK, but I young." It was hysterical. I then told her the story of many years ago when Mike and I were going on a long trip south by car (we were without kids at the time). Mike was fast asleep and I was bored on the road, so I had a book in my lap. Yep, I know it's nuts. I wasn't seriously reading... but enough so that Mike woke up and just about about had a coronary. I've never lived that one down. I went ahead and told Lily. She laughed and laughed and then said, "Whoo! Crazy family I have now."

While we did the Baltimore trip, Mike stayed home and made dinner for us. It was great (although Lily is really not eating much yet... in fact, she's eating next to nothing ... a yogurt or hot dog is about all we can get her to eat). Anyway, Mike made grilled salmon, grilled green beans, grilled asparagus, AND grilled okra (gross! - I hate okra) as well as corn on the cob and salad. We were enjoying our meal and Mike kept trying to get someone (anyone) at the table to eat the okra... no takers. Finally, Kip said, "I'll eat one if you give me five bucks!" Mike agreed and then the drama began. He did it! We hooted and then, surprise of all surprises, Lily chimes in, "you give me 5 American dollars to eat one too?" Mike said, "sure!" Then she adds, "how about 6 dollars for me?" We all cracked up! We've got an entrepreneur in the house. Mike said, "you've got a deal" and sure enough, this girl ate an okra spear, grimacing the whole time. We all clapped and cheered. It was so great... just to laugh like that as a whole family.

On another note, when we were coming home from Baltimore, Lily followed up on an earlier conversation we had had about going to visit the local animal shelter. Well, to make a longish story a little shorter, we went to the local shelter and walked the pens. Most of the dogs were really big dogs and she was clearly not interested. At one point, I explained that none of these dogs have families. And in that moment, a deep chord was struck and huge alligator tears rolled down her cheeks. I felt so badly for her. Then, the next moment, we look in a pen, and there's a sweet little fur ball abou the size of peke-a-poo but all peachy and fast asleep. She cried out, "oh, there's my dog... I'll be family for that dog!" It was a genuine connection. So, here's the short of it, the little dog is not available til Tuesday and it's first come first serve. I have explained to her that we might not get this little dog... but if you could see her face, you would understand... it would be perfect for her to have this little rescue. We would love it too.

No Place Like Home

2006-07-31T06:18:00.000-04:00

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

When all is said and done, I see very clearly how special and wonderful it is to be back home. I wanted to see my boys and dogs and cats and I wanted to understand my world again. I think about my girl... she's got a lot of hard days ahead. There are very few familiar things to grab onto by her. She's asked to use the computer a bit... to see Russian sites (specifically Tatu, a Russian music group) and she's asked to call her Russian friend who was adopted last year... just to hear Russian, I know. She's holding it together for now.

My heart knows it will be Ok, but unlike me, she can't knock the heels of her slippers together to "get back home again." The hot air balloon gondola is really gone and she's in Oz now to stay. We all pray it will be even better than the "Oz" of her dreams.

Coming Home

2006-07-27T12:41:00.000-04:00

God is indeed very very good! Our 3rd ticket has manifested! We are scheduled to fly on Saturday, July 29th. We have met several families along the way and we expect many of them to be on our flight. At the embassy today, there was so much joy... we all know the feelings that flood our hearts ... we have all had difficult journeys of one type or another that has brought us to this moment.

I think about our translator in court who reminded me that all those days and weeks and even hours in court are part of the birthing process... the labor that adoptive parents must work through and endure.

It is well... it is well with my soul.

Getting Out of Dodge

2006-07-26T04:30:00.000-04:00

Two tickets confirmed for Saturday - just need one more!

We are in a nice apartment about 20 minutes walk from the Kremlin.
City is buit in cocentric circles. I did not realize that Moscow is
very old... much older than St. Petersburg.. and yet, all I see here
is very modern interiors ... very classy... very metropolitan.

More later... I'm on my PDA in a small café. Kind of a pain 2 type...
how can so many stand texting... 2 slow 4 my brain.

Good News/Bad News

2006-07-24T14:09:00.000-04:00

Good News!

We've finished everything here in St. Petersburg. Tomorrow (Tuesday), Lily's international passport will be delivered along with 3 tickets to Moscow to finish the U.S. Embassy side. You would think that would be a snap, but there are still a few hoops to jump through even for the U.S. (sigh) In any event, we have been given the OK to travel home on Friday, the 28th. We are ecstatic... a whole week early... that is, until we got the bad news...

The Bad News!

There are no seats available on any Lufthansa flights between Friday and August 3rd. That can't be God! So, get you prayers ready folks, we gotta get the message to the airline that they do indeed have 3 seats for the Brown Family on Friday! I can't imagine the toll on Lily to languish in Moscow. Thanks in advance to everyone! Don't know how accessible a computer will be once we leave St. Petersburg... so keep us in your thoughts... and hopefully the next message you see here will be direct from my PDA .... over the ocean, on our way home!

Hermitage and Tears

2006-07-23T14:50:00.000-04:00

From one incredible St. Petersburg sight to another. Today, we did a whirlwind of the Hermitage Museum and Winter Palance. Not only are there paintings, of course, but the rooms themselves are works of art... in some cases, quite gawdy works of art... but truly, it is all beyond a Westerner's ken ... to understand that there were people, actual royalty, who might have turned to one another and said, "let's go home, honey!" Every inch of every room has been touched in some artistic way, from ceiling to floor. For example, in the throne room, the inlaid wooden floor (13 different types of wood) is a exact mirror of the bas relief designs in the ceiling. Amazing. Another room, well, hallway, has over 50 Raphael copies (from the Vatican) of scenes from the bible in order ... on the ceiling... along with every inch of wall is painted in decorative blocks, swirls, and tromp l'oeil.

Afterward, Mike headed to the hotel home while Lily and I had some more girl time window shopping. But, despite the fun we had, when we got back to the hotel and I suggested she call her friend, Irina, to say goodbye, I think it struck Lily in a way it hadn't before. She is really leaving and "goodbye" in English is so permanent and final sounding. It's not "da svidanya" or "auf wiedersehn" that both have a promise of seeing one another again. She broke down and there was little that I could do but give her space, soothe her, stay with her, and let her know that it's all right to cry. She will need to grieve, and this is just beginning.

Peterhof

2006-07-23T02:28:00.000-04:00

Here's one of the most amazing parks attached to the Grand Palace of Peter the Great. With over 100 fountains and 400 jets, it is the center of all fountains and all without pumps!

We had a grand time touring the park, with views of the Gulf of Finland and a short excursion through the "cottage" - which only had 30 rooms... small scale for the royalty. It was given to one of the daughters. I haven't quite figured out the lineage... need a family tree cheat sheet. :-)

Tomorrow we go to pick up domestic passport and apply for International one... hope to have a real sense of our schedule for rest of week. Lily goes in and out of sadness and joy... pretty stressful time for her I think. More later.

Domestic Passport Updated

2006-07-20T14:27:00.000-04:00

Friday, July 21: Update on Domestic Passport... we were successful with meeting the "chief" and she is more than happy to make sure Lily's domestic passport will be ready on Monday at 1:30 pm. Hurrah! With that, we should have a 24 hour turn-around which means we "should" be in Moscow on Wednesday... If Alex has his ducks in a row there, we could ... maybe, maybe, maybe be home by Friday... please make this priority prayer number one for us as we do not want to "visit" Moscow all weekend (at $350/night)...

All is well. Today was a great day... we had lovely ride on the canals and then went to a Georgian cafe for dinner after a good walk. Tomorrow, we are off to Peterhof and we have invited one of Lily's friends, Valya, from the orphanage (girl with curly hair in the graduation pictures from our first trip). Hope to post some new FlickR pics this weekend.

Have to try the "next" level up tomorrow to get Lily's domestic passport expedited. Let's hope for the best! Everything else went great... have her adoption certificate and new birth certificate. Had fun going CD shopping with Lily while Mike stayed home. Then we went to a great restaurant called the Cafe Art Deco ... highly recommend it to anyone looking for reasonable eats but classy decor. It's 10:30 at night, but it looks and feels like 8 pm ... so hard to get used to these long days.

Introducing Liliana Victoria Brown

2006-07-20T02:33:00.000-04:00

These are the people who made all the difference in our court appearance: (from left) Ludmilla, our translator (She was totally familar with the process and was an excellent coach. Her English was impeccable.); Julia, our agency representative (She was calm and steady through the whole process, a strong supporter); Lily (who cried and cried during our first break, about two hours into the proceedings - that should have only taken an hour); me (who had the dubious honor of being the "first speaker" for our family in in front of our judge); Mike (who was like a rock throughout the process); Ludmilla V., the social worker from the agency (She was extremely supportive our petition and even when things got dicey, she spoke and firmly confidently that Lily should come to our family); and finally Grigori, the new orphanage director (His testimony probably had the most impact as he confirmed the importance of children being in a family, no matter the age). God bless them all.

Yesterday, we did not walk into court until 2:30 or so (we were scheduled at 1 pm) and then, did not finish until almost 6 pm (I felt so badly for the family that was scheduled at 2 pm and had to wait for our hearing to end!).

The judge, Svetlana, was very serious and very concerned about every detail. For some reason, she got it into her head that there were too many oddities in our financial statement and began "digging" into it.... sure that we couldn't afford the child. Of course, we can't afford the child, but we have always trusted that God has the plan and He'll provide... which He has done so far. But we couldn't exactly say that to the judge nor could we explain that household expenses can vary from one month to the other. Then, because we had a designation for childcare for Kip, she assumed that he must have some serious issues to require so much money for childcare... we had to explain several times that Kip was in a private school and we had to pay tuition plus the costs of "after care" because I was at work. Eventually, we had to explain the structure of American education system: elementary school, middle school etc. Then she questioned at length whether we thought the boys were friends with Lily from the first time etc.

Towards the end, after a second break in which the judge was giving us "one more chance" to explain some things, she followed up on my comment that the boys were leaders. Then she asked if I thought Lily was a leader. When I said she had "leadership qualities" and named them, she proceeded to read from the school report that said she had no leadership qualities and therefore, it was clear that I didn't really know the girl. It was like that the whole time. It was very difficult not to just explode.

When Mike got up to do his bit, the judge questioned him at length as well, but did not like Mike's style of "storytelling" to make a point.

And all the while, I kept thinking, how would this judge every make an "immediate" decision which would then, effectively, waive the 10-day waiting period? When we got through the worst of it and Lily was brought in for her interview, Lily mentioned a grandparent and an aunt that no longer had contact with her. Oh God, I thought, the social worker had previously said there were no relatives at all. Sure enough, after Lily left, the judge trounced on the social worker. It went badly for another 15 minutes. In the end, because there was no proof on Lily's side that there were any family members, she let it go.

When we requested the immediate decision, the judge glared, but had to ask the others present what they thought. Again, the director, the social worker, even the rep from the medical establishment supported our petition. The judge acquiesced. done. It was a 2-vodka day for me... of course, being a non-drinker, I fell into blissful sleep not long after. :-0

Now, today, we go off to get the paperwork started to change Lily's records and get a passport.
Please keep holding us up. More later.

Court Date Today

2006-07-19T02:36:00.000-04:00

Well, we are as ready as we will ever be. We have been thoroughly coached by our representative, Julia, and I have written the 7 minute speech that we must give to present our case to the judge. Our court time is 1 pm, St. Petersburg time, so that's 5 am Eastern Time... it's quite possible the decision has been made by the court by the time you read this today. Julia said that either Mike or I could speak... so Mike looked hopefully at me to do the "honors." I'm OK with that really, but it does make me a little more nervous today.

Julia picked up Lily yesterday and we had a nice evening together. We had a small problem when we discovered we needed pictures to show in court from our last visit here in May. Sometimes, you gotta thank God even for technology! I had my jump drive and we were able to download some of the FlickR pictures to my portable device here at the hotel and Mike found a photo place to print from it. Hurrah for that.

Oh, and my suitcase finally came yesterday evening... or rather, I had to go out to the S.P. airport to pick it up. Unfortunately, the someone had rifled through the bag and one of our intended gifts was stolen. It could have been worse... apparently it was a man since he wasn't interested in any of the jewelry or girly gifts, just the leather wallet.

Today, the last thing we will be asking the judge to do is make an "immediate decision" in our case. If that is done, then the waiting period is waived. That is, of course, our prayer. May my next post introduce to you our new daughter!

We Have Arrived!

2006-07-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

We arrived in St. Petersburg, Monday, the 17th around 8 a.m. on the Midnight train from Moscow. The train trip was uneventful besides getting used to sleeping on a sliver of a seat and hearing the toilet flush periodically through the night. :-)

The weather is quite cold (which we didn't expect) and so our little tour in Moscow was brief just because we weren't dressed for it. We did get to walk Red Square however, see the Kremlin, and even placed a coin in the grotto behind the Kremlin that promises our return ... hopefully, next week with our Lily along!

Our most difficult moments actually happened at the Moscow airport. We stood in line at Passport Control for about two hours. A group of Pakistani men in front of us had big problems with their passports. I felt badly for them, really, since it was clearly a racial issue. About an hour into our wait, another planeload arrived (from Italy, I think) and that group turned a simple line into a crowd and somehow, we got pushed back even further. Sigh. Then, when we finally found our way to our luggage... you know the story... one of our bags was missing.... and who's? Mine, of course. So, we filled out the paperwork and they promised our bag will be delivered here to St. Petersburg... but not yet. I may have an excuse to go shopping!

Our rep will be going to the camp tomorrow (Tuesday) to pick up Lily and to bring her to us here at the hotel to spend the night since the court time is early on Wednesday. We have been given a long "cheat sheet" of things to remember to say (and not say)... please do pray for us.

It is very strange to be back in St. Petersburg... we were so cavalier tonight as we went out to find our favorite restaurant that we didn't even bother carrying a map. It's supposed to be cold and rainy here the rest of the week. This may be yet another excuse to go shopping. Ha!

Over the Ocean

2006-07-15T21:20:00.000-04:00

We are on our way. We arrived at the airport in Philly , no problem. Thank God, we were earl! Flight was overbooked... we were offered $1200 Euros if we wiuld fly the next day... what does that smack of? Howwmany challenges will we encounter on this trip before we bring this girl home?

Please pray for papers... I messed up & didn't have our 1040 for last year...
I emailed the accontant..hope she can fax it to agency. sigh.

We are sardined into the bavk of the plane. Gentleman next to me is returning to Germany after conference of soil scientists. OK... how many of those have u met? smile

More later... isn't it amazing? Wireless over the ocean!

Russia or Bust...

2006-07-12T09:05:00.000-04:00

Well! We've been given the "go-ahead" to leave for Russia on Saturday, July 15th. It's not a perfect set-up, the paperwork hasn't "really" arrived in St. Petersburg, but the Russia rep. was given verbal verification that the "most important piece" - the referral letter - was mailed yesterday. Please keep praying that the letter arrives in time. We may actually leave USA before letter arrives. We will be staying at the same hotel which has some Internet access, so I'll be posting all the news and updates here. Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers and support. We definitely need it. :-)

One More Chance ...

2006-07-11T21:43:00.000-04:00

One more chance, one more day... if the paperwork does not come from Moscow on Wed., July 12, then the agency has told us they will have to re-schedule the court date... probably for September. I am heart sick... for the girl... for Lily... I can barely hold back the tears. No, I can't hold back the tears.

What is missing? I have asked the Lord this very question? What piece of this puzzle is still not in place and therefore blocking our way?

Today, I put over 200 miles on my car as I went yet again to Bel Air for notary certifications and then Annapolis for apostiles and then back to Towson for more certifications. Most of the day I was sick to my stomach and fighting a migraine... it felt so heavy, this attack on my body....

This day reminds me of those days, many years ago, when Mike and I were trying to have biological children... every day, a hope and then a disappointment. We had been so sure we were to be parents, to have children... it just never occurred to us that we would be unable to "bear" children. And that's how it feels now... it never occurred to us, when we started this process, that it would be plagued by so many problems, so much waiting, so many weeks and months. Of course, back then, our children did come... in God's time and in God's way... and I know, somehow, this girl, this child of God, will also come ... the situation will work out in a way that we cannot expect or understand now. Gotta trust. I know. Trust.

More waiting... more waiting... more tears....

Knocking on the Gates of Heaven

2006-07-08T13:33:00.000-04:00

We are certainly pounding on the gates of heaven this weekend as we confront yet another snag in our adoption process. How can it be? We are so close...

On Tuesday, we will find out for sure if we have the go-ahead to travel on the 15th... we are tentatively scheduled for a court date on the 19th but Lily's papers are hung up somewhere between Moscow and St. Petersburg. No papers.... no court date. If we miss this court date, then the judge, who apparently has a full calendar until the end of month, is going on vacation for the entire month of August. If this happens, then we will be delayed until September.

If Lily comes back to St. Petersburg from camp, she cannot go back to her previous facility but will be transferred to another one. This could actually generate more paperwork, new personnel, etc.

I am trying to remain calm... trying to focus on trusting God. This process is really out of our hands...

Please pray. Luke 18:1-3... persistence... patience... perseverance...

Tone of the Mind

2006-07-04T12:08:00.000-04:00

The phrase, "tone of the mind" was coined by Ralph Waldo Emerson while journaling at the age of 23. It brings to my mind an ongoing need I have to identify and articulate my own "tone." Obviously, I am not nearly as profound or deep as Emerson but I discovered today that this phrase captures much of my intent when blogging. I am not an essayist nor do I pretend to be a great authority about any particular topic. If, by writing, however, I can get closer to a true encounter with the deeper places inside of me, then all the better. And perhaps, when I do touch the "tone of my mind," it will ring true to others and "make meaning" for them as well.

Most tones in my mind are not resounding gongs or orchestral masterpieces... this I recognize. But there is something that is driving me to write. There is a sense ... a feeling... a growing desire.

I have often said I think better while talking. That may not really be true as I am often appalled at what I say and often need to think fast for damage control. All the same, I believe I may think better while writing. It forces a clarity upon me that otherwise might get lost in the morass of a mind that is constantly thrumming, changing melodies, and often caught in repetitive cycles. Writing slows me down; talking does not. Writing requires me to "re-think" while talking throws itself on even the most unwilling listeners.

So, that's all. Just wanted to remember that I heard a tone today.

On a completely different note [smile], I send a special online hello to Sierra and Branson. Airline seatmates are truly serendipitous when traveling alone. Since becoming a Christian, I am fascinated by these "flash" encounters and oten consider them devinely orchestrated. Sierra, 10, and Branson, 13, will never know how much I enjoyed their conversation on my way to Denver on Saturday. It was fun to hear about their lives and to ovserve their spontaneous enthusiasm for everything. When Branson discovered I had been to New York and acting school, I was really golden. But the really great moment was Sierra turning to me and with total honesty, declaring, "I'd like to be in one of your plays!" Thanks Sierra. Thanks to you both for blessing a stranger with the simple things.

And lastly, happy birthday to my brother. It's been a really rough year for him and I pray the next one will hold some true recovery.

Dear Joan Didion

2006-06-24T13:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Joan Didion:
This is a brief letter to you... one I will never send, but had to write all the same. I just read your book, "The Year of Magical Thinking" and I want to thank you. It is not because I am a widow, nor do I necessarily think I will be one anytime soon. It's not because I want to be a widow, either. At least, I don't think I do. But I know I just read, rather swallowed, your book in less than 2 days... your life, your words. Thank you for giving me a piece of yourself, like a piece of an oatmeal cookie, broken off and lovingly shared. I know you still have most of it, but the morsel you shared touched me deeply.

I confess, I've never read any of your other books. I will probably try to now. Maybe. I can't even promise that. My reading swings in great swaths. But I am grateful for reading this one. I am grateful for the honesty of it. I am grateful for the gift of yourself through this book. I am moved by the "you-ness." You are a person in time that I now know... fractionally.

You say, "Leis go brown, tectonic plates shift, deep currents move, islands vanish, rooms get forgotten." ... but life moves on. I can confirm, we move on. We face the day. We are born each day from the "womb of the dawn" (Ps 110:3).

Grief and mourning: you experienced them with such great depth. I believe you felt them so because you loved much. There is tremendous power in that kind of love... in that kind of sorrow. It is a branding. I know it, because you shared it through your words and in doing so, you branded me. Thank you.

No Date Yet...

2006-06-20T21:39:00.000-04:00

So many have asked... when are you going back to Russia? When are you picking up your daughter? If only we knew. The wires have been silent. Not only that... but Lily is at camp now (along with all the orphanage kids), and we have no contact with her at all. The last time we spoke, June 9th, she was doing great. She was upbeat and confident and secure in her belief that this adoption would really happen.

Oh Lord, continue to give her the strength she needs to sustain her in our time apart. Wrap her in your protection. I could use a little of that myself.

Disappointment as Stalker

2006-06-13T13:49:00.000-04:00

My old enemy, Disappointment, came stalking last night and thwacked me pretty good from behind. I should have known better. I should have seen it coming, but instead, all I could see, feel, or touch was the familiar shadow.

I have tried not to fall into the habit of too many dreams and hopes for my kids, but there have been some basics... it just never occurred to me that my kids actually might get failing grades on a regular basis. It never occurred to me. They talk about going to college and playing sports at a Division I school but they don't seem to have a clue about the academic part of the game. In most cases, they simply don't hand in their work.

I want to help, but I don't know how.... apparently. Everything I try, including prayer, seems to fall on deaf ears. I have become the scold, the nag, the "nazi" about school work. It's not who I ever thought I would become.

See, it's the disappointment stalker... ready to stomp on me even now. Oh heck, I hate this feeling but it's so hard to shake.

This morning was a little better. I had a quiet time... spent time reading, contemplating, and meditatiing. But then, one of the kids simply would not get out of bed: last day of school, big test and did he study? Nope.

Well, each day has its worries and I need to move on. I know, I know. Place your expectations on Christ alone. Easier said than done.

Life After Travel

2006-06-10T19:25:00.000-04:00

Everyone has been so supportive after our trip. It is wonderful to feel everyone's interest in our adoption journey. Many have asked if we have a follow-up date yet, and the answer is, nope! We continue to be hopeful that our return will happen in July since the norm has been about 6 weeks between trips. Please do pray that is the case for us since our U.S. form I600 which allows us to adopt expires at the end of July ... not good.

Life at home has been hectic. Mike's car officially "died" and today he purchased a "new" one - a 2001 Buick LeSabre. We pray it will be a good car and last us for awhile. The timing appears crummy from our perspective, but perhaps it's all for the best.

Kip is finished with school and will be moving to a public school in the fall. Sergei will finish on Tuesday. It has not been a particularly good year for the boys academically. I'm really at a loss about all that. I thought I was jumping through all the right hoops, but I think I've made more mistakes than good decisions and perhaps even more harm than good, but God can redeem all things. I'm holding on to that.

Today, I reviewed some of my journal entries from last fall. I am sorrowfully amazed at the ephemeral quality of truths uncovered along the way. There was lots of good stuff there... lots of discoveries, but they didn't stay with me. They didn't find root. I am grateful I took the time to write my thoughts, at least they are recoverable and hopefully, can be planted anew.

Unfailing love...

More Pics from St. Petersburg

2006-06-04T17:34:00.000-04:00

OK, I think I finally figured out an easy way to share pictures from our trip and of Lily. Please scroll down a little and look at a small block of pictures on the right... this is a "flickR badge" and connects you to the FlickR website. You will probably have to create an account to look at the pictures, but it's free and quite easy to do. Enjoy!

Lily's Room at the Orphanage

2006-06-04T13:31:00.000-04:00

Lily's Room at the Orphanage,
originally uploaded by HCPL WebMaster.

Still working on more pics... thought this one was cute of Lily in her room and a poster she made for us.

Home With No Luggage

2006-06-03T10:32:00.000-04:00

We arrived home from Berlin/Potsdam via Frankfurt on Thursday evening but our luggage didn't make it. I guess, when we almost missed our flight (our connection time was squeezed by a late arrival) and we raced through the airport but our bags lagged behind. Fortunately, they are due to arrive here by FedEx today.

Our Germany time was simply family time as we acquainted ourselves with Bjoern and Claudia's two children, Lukas (aged 6) and Lydia (pronounced Lyoodia), aged 3. The kids were delightful and clearly bright and creative. My Aunt Gerda was there as well and she, at 68, was avidly practicing her English. We pressed her to come to America next fall for a visit and I think we succeeded if Bjoern comes along. We talked and talked and ate and ate, from a midday sandwich at a local restaurant during a heavy downpour, to "cake and cookies" at a late afternoon tea time, to a hardy dinner at night. I think we gained all of our 5 pounds that day. It was a great time and the best night's sleep!

Now we're adjusting to being home and facing the boys' inevitable, "what's for dinner?" question. As soon as our suitcases arrive, I'll post more pictures.

Other surprises at home included a destroyed license plate from one of the boys "learning to drive" (I won't mention the stop sign's fate), Mike's car in the shop, a malware (software) has hijacked my PC, and the boys are still on "electronic" restrictions. Ah well, systems pretty normal again.

Off to Germany

2006-05-30T16:30:00.000-04:00

Well, our time here in Tallinn is coming to a close. Today, we saw the ocean (or maybe it's the bay, I'm not sure), and then Mike went off with Juri and Maur to the Estonian basketball championship game (Tallinn won by one point) and I took Inta to see the Strauss operetta, A Night in Venice. It was in Estonian, so it was a little long for me, but the music was pleasant and the dance ensemble was great. The performance was at the newly renovated Opera Theatre... very beautiful.

Tomorrow, we reconnect with Björn, Claudia, Lukas, Lydia and my aunt on my mother's side, Gerda. It will be wonderful. I do hope my battery will last just one more day.

Language switch!... can I do it? :-)

Sister, my Sister

2006-05-29T15:07:00.000-04:00

What does it mean to connect with family so far away? We have seen each other 4 times in 9 years. Before that, I really had no true idea of this woman, 29 years my senior, who shares my father's genes and blood with me. She is a brilliant woman... a chemist by education, she worked at the same lab 60 years... working with pharmaceuticals, throughout the entire Soviet period as well as the freedom time since 1991. She did not retire until she was 79 years old. She is witty and funny and deeply moved by the losses she has experienced as well as the joys of the moment.

Her joy is infectious as she celebrates our times of being reunited. 9 years ago, we met for the first time in Riga when Mike and I made our first adoption trip for our boys. She took a 5 hour train ride from Tallinn to Riga, just to meet me... to meet us. 6 weeks later, Mike and I flew to Tallinn to see her, her extended family, her home, and to take a trip to our father's old farm. At that time, she lived in deep poverty and it was very sobering. Our guilt was palpable... but she never inflicted any of it upon us. She was at peace with the challenges that life brought to her, even the recent loss of her beloved husband, Egon, and the full life they had had together.

In 2000, on a visit to America, paid by another friend (she would not accept an airline ticket from us), she flew one leg of her trip to Maryland to visit us for some days. She marveled so at the "waste" in American living, ("Why do you have a room with nothing in it but a bed?") but she also marveled at the wonders of Washington DC, New York, and even the village life we led.

And now, 2006, Mike and I come again to Tallinn and amazingly enough, it's an adoption related visit. She doesn't really approve of our adopting a Russian girl... for those of us who never knew the oppression of Soviet life, well, I don't think we can comprehend. But, she still understands and respects our desire and our decision to adopt and I think she will accept Lily too. Their life has improved and for that I am grateful... new amenities like hot water, a nice shower, and everything repainted is wonderful to see.

This trip has been a quiet, healing time after the stress of St. Petersburg. I didn't even realize how much stress we were experiencing until we unwound as we walked amidst the beautiful trees and paths and around the ancient city, with its Middle Ages walls, stairs, and tiny shops.

Last night, we went to visit her son's family in Paldiski, a town on the ocean, some 50 minutes drive from Tallinn. The cliffs of Paldiski are absolutely amazing and the water clear from that height. The little 4 year old granddaughter, Liisbet, with her face full of joy and her natural hope for the future, she kept us entertained all evening.

There's also the laughter we all try to communicate together: Inta's son speaks broken English and no Latvian while my sister speaks Latvian and Estonian, but Mike speaks only English and I speak only Latvian and English. There's lots of translating and often, Inta forgets and speaks the wrong language to the wrong person. We look at her blankly and then she knows and has to start over. It reminds me of how insular our American life is ... so unaware of the world of languages around us. We are, perhaps, too proud that we don't make more effort to learn. Even as others learn English, we need to understand that the true nature of a culture is wrapped inside their language.

Oh, my sister, my sister, I grieve too over the loss of the years we could have had, but I thank you for these precious days. It's a thoughtful time and a precious time. I will cherish this time always.

Tallinn = Change of Pace

2006-05-27T14:00:00.000-04:00

Arrived in Tallinn around 2:30 pm ... was just wonderful to see my half-sister, Inta. She is 83 and absolutely amazing. We took a walk at 4:15 and didn't get back until 7 pm... we walked the entire time... She did the same thing when we visited her 9 years ago... she can outwalk a camel! She is really extraordinary. Our walk was beautiful... just 3 minutes from her apartment was a lovely wood with birch trees in abundance. In several places, we walked hand-in-hand through rows of birch trees. It so relaxing and felt like true time of recovery after the hectic pace of St. Petersburg.

It's very peculiar typing from an Estonian computer... the keyboard is NOT the same.

All is well ... we will be here about 3 days. Tomorrow we go to the center city and then to the shore. More later.

Da Svidanya

2006-05-26T14:27:00.000-04:00

Today, in the middle of a bustling esplanade, we had to say goodbye to our daughter. She said to me over and over again, "Don't cry... please don't cry!" I finally said, "If you don't walk away, I will start crying, really hard!" And of course, the tears welled up pretty good by then. She left and we waved and I thought how wrong it felt that she had to leave us like that and get on the metro by herself and ride the 45 minutes to the orphanage.

They wouldn't even cut Lily loose today until after class once again, we only saw her for about 4 hours. Several times she asked when we would return... we told her the same story ... if all goes well, in a perfect world, it could be as quick as a month... if not, then the normal time is 6 weeks, and anything after that is Russian stubbornness and bureaucracy. Please pray for that perfect world! :-)

One thing that worked out great. We got to see Galina, the director of the teen crisis center where Lily first stayed for a year. And although Galina speaks English a little, she does not speak it or understand it well enough for any kind of deep conversation. As God would have it, the interpreter I met in USA last January appeared at our hotel today ... we chatted for about an hour and in walks Galina for our lunch appointment. We introduced them, invited Irina to have lunch with us too and she willlingly translated the whole time for us! What a blessing.

We also saw the last two of the main cathedrals today, St. Isaacs and the Church of the Resurrection. They are both amazing... there are no words really.

Off to Tallinn tomorrow... a whole new language... time to switch gears.

Graduation

2006-05-25T14:52:00.000-04:00

Today, May 25th, is Graduation Day for all Russian children... whether they are graduating from 4th grade or 9th grade or 11th grade... all heard the "final bell" today and celebrated. In first week of June, they will have their "examen" which are short answer tests (includng essay) for all subjects... very grueling and required for final graduation. It was bittersweet today, to watch Lily and her class (about 11 boys and 2 additional girls) graduated. They produced and performed a show that included a TV talk show, commercial and "game show" in which the Director and other administrators had to answer questions about their childhoods.

The children who watched the show were wild and quite "intrigued" by the odd American couple in the back of the auditorium... one with a video camera who moved all over the room "shooting."

Afterward, Lily was able to go with us to the Notary (more of a "paralegal") who registers our documents. Julia, our rep, is planning on submitting our formal request to Moscow on Monday ... very best timetable would be 4 weeks from then.

Then we went shopping for Lily ... jeans, a new purse, a top... she had a blast, we were pooped! We finally ended up at McDonald's for her and then off to the Metro. We walked back to the hotel (got lost on the way) and then relaxed at an Azerbajanian restaurant - great food.

Tomorrow, once again, Lily is prevented from coming to visit us until 3:30 ... so sorry for that, but then, we plan to have dinner with her and her old English teacher.

What a day!

Promises Broken

2006-05-24T13:01:00.000-04:00

Plans were made for seeing Lily every day, but already, today did not happen as we had hoped. First of all, her "teachers" said she must stay at the "school" to practice for her graduation exercises tomorrow. She did not speak with us directly, but called our rep, Julia, who said Lily was quite upset. What a disappoint for her... again.

Then, our medicals today lasted not 3 hours but 6.5 hours... lots of standing, waiting, sitting, stripping (waist up), testing, talking... everyone was kind, but bottom line, it was a huge waste of time. They even made Mike do an extra sonogram because they thought he had an enlarged liver.

The psychiatric exam was most interesting only because the doctor stepped out of bounds when he found out I was Latvian American. He asked about 3 political questions about the relationship between Latvians and Russians (not good, btw), and I asked the Lord to help me give the "right" answers. In the end, I think he liked us both and all went well, but it was a bit dicey. We were the first to arrive, but the last to leave... ah well, it's done and we "passed" as healthy! Duh!

Mike and I had dinner at the "Literary Cafe," a historical cafe because it was the last place Pushkin, the famouse Russian writer, was seen alive. He left the cafe to fight a duel and lost. We then walked to the Field of Mars, an eternal flame marking the deaths of World Wars I & II (I think). Then we walked passed the Summer Palace, the Engineers' Palace, and the Russian Museum. We've seen them all... from the outside, always too late to go in. We did manage to get into the Cathedral of the Kazan... a breathtaking cathedral where we placed 5 candles and prayed for our new family among the many beautiful paintings and icons.

Tomorrow is Lily's graduation at Noon and afterward we go to the Notary ... in Russia, this is like an attorney who "registers" our request to the court. So far, so good on that score, at least. Lily has asked to go shopping and McDonalds... we will go to the biggest mall in St. Petersburg (almost 2 blocks long) just to oblige this small request.

Both Mike and I have had a deep calm. Thanks to the prayers of the people!

We're Here - It's Fabulous

2006-05-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. We're here and truly, it's fabulous!

Many of our fears were completely unwarranted in that we have felt very safe and secure while here. The small hotel is lovely and the staff very cooperative and supportive. We even discovered that one of the families we met on an adoption listserv is staying here in the same hotel. This morning, we had breakfast together and shared stories. Later this morning, we ran into each other again at the Ministry of Education and behold, we found the attorney they are using to be the one we considered using in January with the same translator we met in the U.S. as well. It was great to see Irina again.

Last night, we had our first dinner in St. Petersburg at a very good restaurant called "The Idiot." Mike said it was appropriate (har-har), but it's really based on the Doestoesvky novel theme. While there, a young man must of found our efforts to speak Russian funny, because he sent us two complimentary orders of Russian hors d'oeuvres. The server said she had never seen such a thing. We figured it was a good omen.

After our Ministry of Education interview, which went very well this morning, Julia, our agency rep. drove us out to the orphanage. It was pretty depressing... about what I expected. The building is quite old and dilapidated, although you can see several efforts to brighten the halls with student-drawn murals and the like. Finally, that long awaited moment came as Lily came flying down the hallway and into my arms. I was quite tearful, of course... it was so just great to hold her and touch her at last. Off to one side, I saw two of her friends, also crying. After much waiting and talking and meeting with orphanage staff (social worker, medical personnel, and the director), we were approved plus Lily is allowed to spend every day with us from now until we leave Saturday (from Noon or so until 8 pm). We are thrilled. And so, we had several hours alone time with her today including taking her out for pizza and ice cream.

It's been kind of halting with lots of gestures and lots of looking up of words in the dictionary, but it doesn't matter, we are just enjoying our time together.

We have learned that the director AND assistant director of the orphanage are leaving this week and being replaced next week. There is no way to know if this is a good thing or not. If the new director is supportive of adoptions in general, this will help our cause and we could be back in 6 weeks, if not, we could looking at long delay ... even into September. This is a specific need for prayer to all of you.

Well, I'd better close. God bless you all. Thanks to everyone for your prayers. More tomorrow.

T-1 Day for Departure

2006-05-20T11:26:00.000-04:00

OK... I'm on "Git 'er Done" mode. Got all my paperwork copied and put in packets, got my passports in "fiflicate" (that' my word for 5 - har har), got most of my clothes laid out on the bed, finished a big project at work - Saturday morning no less, got to go food shopping for boys next, so I'm off and running. While on this track, Mike is doing laundry and picking up our friend Reuel from the airport while the boys are at lacrosse... I think we're gonna make it.... puff, puff.

Yesterday, I was so focused on getting things done at work as well as running more errands to the bank, etc., I forgot to call Lily. I felt terrible as I know these calls are a lifeline for her. Fortunately, our translator is available today so I'll be calling her at 12:30 ... last call before we finally get to see each other. I just can't wait!

Here's a picture of where we'll be staying. I think the woman in the picture is facing the door, sort of. Apparently, it's a little tricky finding the place and then once you find it, you have to know the code to get in. I think it was someone's apartment that was cut up into 3 guest rooms.... sounds like an adventure.

Current temperature in St. Petersburg: 57 degrees; expected high on Monday, 69.... sounds good to me.

Lists Lists Lists

2006-05-17T21:55:00.000-04:00

Getting ready to leave for St. Petersburg: lots of details, lots of lists, lots stacks of things to take. We ask for prayers. We're getting many conflicting reports of what to expect. We don't even know how much time we'll have with Lily. We can't even see her until Tuesday night at the earliest. I promised her we'd catch up on two years of missed hugs!

Today, gracious friends from church blessed us with a monetary gift... that was so unexpected, and so appreciated. Several hundred dollars will really help! We have to carry so much cash ... crisp, unfolded bills.... gotta call the bank.

Endless lists keep going through my head: take paper products; take an electrical converter; take extra camera battery; take books. I got a great language book yesterday, so now, in between lacrosse cheering, I'm plowing through "Russian in 10 minutes day"... it's actually helping me make it over the cyrillic alphabet hump.

I'm trying not to be too anxious... still working on that "trust factor," wish I could systematically do what needs to be done, but life is not just about us traveling. I still have to put in my time at work and the boys need my attention of course... I don't want them to feel their lives go on hold just because we're going to Russia. In fact, Sergei's lacrosse team is about two games away from a possible state championship, so you know, there's a lot of energy happening around there.

It's alright. I'm blabbering.... Hello world! Here we come!

Hope to have Internet access ... hope to post pics to FlickR ... hope to keep everyone up to date. Another list... Gifts to take and gifts to bring back. Gotta pack light... oh gad, I'm really bad at that. Make a list. Stick to it. I can do this!

Love and Faithfulness

2006-05-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

This has become my mantra: love and faithfulness. God is ... love and faithfulness. Everything is within His love and faithfulness. I can experience His love and faithfulness at any time. His love and faithfulness are always available. Amazing.

Update: We are still on track for departing May 21st. Only addition is that we have been told that we will be required to have medical examinations by 8 Russian doctors and of course, we will have to pay for it: $1500. Unbelievable really. Such a racket! I'm just shaking my head and saying my mantra: love and faithfulness.

These events are out of my control. God knows these things are happening. These events will not jeopardize or prevent the adoption... God is in control of the big picture. God loves ... God is faithful.

I'm turning over the debt to Him. How can I do otherwise? I'm turning this trip/process over to Him. I want this journey to be without terror or worry. I will plan what I can plan and I will trust God for everything else.

Psalms - Round One

2006-05-03T12:01:00.000-04:00

I'm on Psalm 115. I've been plodding along, a psalm a day for the last several weeks... no, honestly, months, because I've missed some days along the way. My main goal this time around is to capture a moment... even one verse or word that speaks to my heart. These speakings stay with me, often into the next day as well. I have a journal now for my morning musings and my Psalm truths. That's a good thing... oh, interruption... more later.

St. Petersburg and Trust

2006-04-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

OK. It's official. We leave May 21st, have our adoption interview on May 23rd and then get to spend the rest of the week with our daughter, Lily. We won't be able to bring her home ... nope, not this time, but we will trust God that all will go well and we will return in July for our final court appearance and then on to Moscow and home.

Like any difficult birth, I am expecting that once she is home, the pain of this waiting time will be forgotten. I trust God that the timing is all within His will and plan. I give Him full responsibility for everything that happens from this day forward. I trust you Lord.
adoption

To Do... To Be... To Wait

2006-04-23T22:04:00.000-04:00

I'm not usually one to follow after popular Christian teachers ... hanging on to every word, buying all the books, CDs etc. However, I did hear a teaching a few days ago by Joyce Meyer and one idea has stuck me pretty deeply.

She maintains that one of the hardest things a person can do is to remain in a difficult situation even though you know you are perfectly capable of escaping or extricating yourself from it ... but you don't, because you also "know in your heart," it's a God thing. It's a "trust" thing. It's trusting God to take care of "you" in that situation. It's huge, really. It's pretty much how Jesus went to the cross... trusting, despite outward appearances, that God was working the plan.

I'm a doer and a fixer. I have been for most of my life. If something gets hard or difficult...I'm in there working the options, working my own plan.

I've got a lot of "difficult" things going right now: the adoption, the boys, the husband, the house, the finances, the job, the yard, the body... just to name a few. I think it's time to check in on my trust quotient ...

A lot of self-help gurus are out there reminding us that we are "human beings" and not "human doings." It's a little corny, but in my case, right now, I think it fits.

It's not that I won't be diligent ... that's part of me too... but the anxiety that I often generate when things go wrong or badly... the added stress when events are out of control and go down the tube... all that, makes me think I need to step out in a renewed place of faith and trust in God, I need to believe He'll take care of it--the situation... and me. I just haven't been doing that consistently... not authentically... not lately.

A lot of times, this "human doing" hasn't been willing to wait. Often, I don't even give God a chance to "do" or work things out His Way. I keep trying to put him on my train schedule... and He's probably walking. More later.

The Vultures Are Watching

2006-04-19T16:04:00.000-04:00

To all my prayer warrior friends: Thank you!

God is good and all is well for the Browns again. The crisis was handled by the adoption agency staff in Russia and, in the end, it turned out to be a clerical error that put our agency on "the list." But other agencies remain on the list and I encourage everyone to lift up the many children and families affected by this threat to revoke agency accreditations.

Today, before I knew of the good news, I wanted to find a place to pray for our situation (our home was a bit chaotic this morning), so I went to the water. In fact, I found a new place near my work behind some condos. It's a lovely setting with the trees budding, the grass bright and well manicured, the cove quiet, the water very still, the birds chirping, and the sun radiant. A simple white bench above the water's edge beckoned me... it seemed like the perfect secret place.

When I reached it, however, I was surprised to find a row of vultures, at least 8 or so, at the shoreline. They were watching and waiting. For a moment, I was intimidated by their presence, but then I decided to continue, despite my fears, and to give myself to prayer.

It wasn't long before I realized God had given me this setting, vultures and all, as a symbolic picture of our adoption process. No matter how wonderful and well-intentioned, there will always be vultures waiting for prey. How will we respond?

This morning, as I prayed, the vultures departed, one my one. God scatters the vultures of our lives when we trust Him to do it.

Apparently, Mike and I let down our guard after receiving the news of our travel date last week, but now I see that we must pray without ceasing until Lily is home with us... and beyond. The vultures are still watching and waiting for an opportunity to do harm. By by trusting God ... it won't be today.

How Can This Be?

2006-04-18T22:44:00.000-04:00

Just got a posting on one of the listservs for families like us who are working on their adoption process. Apparently there was a Moscow Times article that listed 12 agencies whose accreditations may be revoked! And yes, our agency is on the list. How can this be?

Is this the reason Reuel has been here to prepare me with all his words of trust? Trust God. It is all I can do right now. There is nothing else ... there is no one else. Oh heart, be still. Hold fast to the promises of God. Hold fast to His promise to care for the fatherless.

A Week of News

2006-04-17T10:48:00.000-04:00

Best News: He is Risen! Thank God for that or I'd be dead. We had a great Easter with a full table of 16 friends and family.

Next best news: We have a "tentative" date for our first trip to St. Petersburg to pick up our new daughter, May 14th. We accept all prayers and good wishes for this process. It's been a long time coming. If all goes well, we'll be able to bring our little girl (ok, not so little, at 15) home in July.

Good news: We're getting a tax refund.... cool, pays for our first trip tickets.

News: I did my "cereal aisle" workshop this month on "building personal mission" with a group of 15 teenagers. That was very cool and well received.

More News: Our friend Reuel has been visiting us during Holy Week. He is truly a blessing. World for Yeshua

Not such good news: My brother has moved to Denver and he's working again and that's good, but his wife has not moved with him. I guess they are slipping into some kind of unspoken separation. I just hate that for them. Marriage is really hard.

Bad news: My precious sanctuary space has gotten mucked up and disorganized. Other family members started gravitating to it and started leaving their stuff and then, the bills and "office-related" stuff started accumulating and in a short time, it became a maelstrom and became like a beautiful garden taken over by weeds. I'm changing this news!

Damn the Head Cold

2006-03-24T17:31:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe how powerful the Head Cold can be. My God it's a brain suck. I am totally wiped out today and I was the same yesterday and all the while, trying to do "business as normal" thing... not very successfully I might add.

Business does not feel normal. I don't really care about anything or to put it bluntly, about anybody. I have several books I could be reading; I have several manuscripts that need my attention; I have a program coming up that needs editing; I have a website that needs developing. And right now, I just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

In a couple of hours, I have to go to a reception to "network." The only reason I'm going to drag myself there is that it's "dinner" - you know, heavy hors d'oeuvres. Is that spelled correctly? I don't care.

One good moment: yesterday, I got to hear Elie Wiesel speak at a luncheon. He was amazing. He talked so eloquently about evil and hate ... how important it is for us remember the acts of evil men and women... the acts of hatred in the history of humankind. Why don't we remember? Why do people continue to brutalize one another in the name of righteousness? Why does evil seem to have the upper hand?

I don't know. In fact, none of us do.

Answered Prayer and More Prayer

2006-03-10T21:59:00.000-05:00

I broke my fast this morning with a private communion between God and me. Oh sweet joy of knowing God's faithfulness through these days of fasting and prayer. I am in awe of His goodness.

The agency did call and it's official, they are accredited and they are now fast-tracking our process. Our new Home Study social worker is promising the completed document by the end of next week and so, along with our own updates for the dossier, we should be ready to travel by April. This is our next prayer - that the Ministry of Education in St. Petersburg will view our "request to adopt" favorably and "invite us." Please join us in this prayer.

We spoke with Lily by phone today (as we do each Friday) and her voice, though clouded with a cold, was full of hope and joy. And the other surprise? She received our Christmas gift to her ... one we mailed last November. It was a sweet sign for her.

But most important for me during this process was the discovery of trusting God again... trusting God with our future... with her future.

Fasting and Praying

2006-03-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

How many ways are there to knock on the door of God's heart?

Last weekend, I attended our church's women's retreat and asked all the women to pray for our family and our adoption situation. On my return from the weekend I felt like I needed to do some act, some gesture to actively partner with those 180 prayer warriors, and so I decided to initiate a fast. It has been a long time since I have fasted, but this I know, a fast that is not spirit-led is gruesome and pointless. I felt confident that God was in this one and started last Monday, not knowing how long I would continue.

On that same day, my old friend Sandy of last summer had a triple bypass operation. When I went to see her, she looked dreadful and could barely take a breath, but she was compelled to tell me of a vision she saw of me praying prostrate on the floor for ten days and ten nights (this said, without knowing I was fasting). It confirmed my decision to fast and pray.

On Tuesday, I got a phone call saying, unofficially, that our agency is suddenly scheduled to be bumped up to accreditation for next week! And so, I am believing the official news of their accreditation will come on the 10th day of my fast and we will be able to re-start the adoption process for Lily. If the accreditation does not come through for any reason, we will begin an independent adoption through an attorney in Russia... not an easy choice.

Today is day six on clear liquids and all is well. I don't have as much energy as I would like and I'm always cold, but I am trusting God to reveal what is needed, when it is needed. Yes, I believe God is hearing the clamor at "his door."

Sorrow in the Waiting

2006-02-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

Things are still not working out with our adoption. It is almost 2 years that we have been in this process with one setback after another. I have cried out to God to break the chains of bureaucracy and cultural distrust, but so far, to no avail. Oh heart.

Most of all, I grieve for her... for Lily. Each week, when we speak (through an interpreter), she asks, "Any news yet?" "Please, no more bad news," she cries. "Will this ever happen, really? Tell me the truth," she declares, "I have one foot in the United States and one foot in Russia and I cannot bear it." Oh sweet Lily. Sweet girl, I am so sorry.

Last week, I cried on the phone and she chastised me. "You must be strong, Irmiya (for it is Lily that coined that name for me). If you are not strong, then I hurt even more." And so, each week, I try to find something positive, something full of hope, some lighthearted story about our dogs or cats or even something silly about me or Mike. She got a big kick out of my story about backing out of the garage and annihilating my sideview mirror. (Of course, Mike didn't think it was all that funny, $400 later.)

Anyway, if you're reading, then pray. Our current hurdle: the local adoption agency is refusing to "update" our home study because our current "placing agency" from out of state is still not accredited. (Soon, they say, accreditation soon... for months it's been their chorus.) If the local agency won't update, we might be in a position of having to start all over again. More time and more time and more money and more money. We are starting looking at other possibilities ... even trying a private adoption, but there are no guarantees there either. So, right now, let's just face this one problem: get the home study updated. Then, decide what to do next.

I've been reading the psalms. They are truly amazing. One (maybe two) per day during my quiet time. It's astounding how there is always a line or two that captures the heart of a feeling, a concern, a fear, a yearning. Over the weekend, Psalm 74:19, 22, "Do not hand over the life of your dove to beasts... Rise up, O God, and defend your cause." Oh Lord, have mercy on your little turtledove, Lily. Have mercy and grant the desires of her heart to come to America. Sustain her hope in midst of waiting... and ours.

Consecration by Fire

2006-01-12T22:20:00.000-05:00

Our church has erected a new sanctuary, but unlike any building most of us have ever seen. It's a "sprung" building, similar to the one linked here. The building has been dubbed "The Tent" which is not bad and certainly better than some other things that come to mind when looking at its shape. ;-)

As part of preparing to move into the facility, interested church members were asked to submit a 250 word devotional which will be put together into a booklet for each family to share in the 40 days prior to our grand opening.

This opportunity to write led me to think again about consecration and fire. The piece I wrote turned into a 2-parter and through this writing, I was reminded of the absolute necessity to walk through "fire," in whatever form that fire might take. This fire might be tribulations or pain or sorrow or loss, but it is the stuff that refines the heart. We often want to insulate ourselves away from adversity and pain, but whether we are able put off our trials of today for another time or not, we will face the fire sooner or later. Like a clay pot that must be fired for its true beauty to be revealed, so too, must we experience and allow fire to reveal our own inner strength and beauty ... the God-given part that comes from within.

Exodus 40:34-38

Pilates and me

2006-01-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Just feeling invigorated by my new Pilates class. What's amazing is to realize that we were learning "pilates" in acting school 30 years ago in New York. It must have been so new & trendy then that it didn't have a name. If I only could have guessed, I could be a Pilates guru now. My apologies to Bobby Troka and all the other movement/body folks who kept trying to convince us that this body work was the wave of the future. Ah well.

Nonethess, it's pretty cool to still be able to do many of the moves and to keep up with the "gen-ys" in the class. I bought a mat tonight on the way home from class and hope

It's a good thing because I needed this. I've been so tired of being sick the last week or so and generally feeling crummy. I've never been very good about "rising above" my illnesses. I can't even fathom how folks with serious diseases are able to maintain their good humor and face each day with hope. Of course, they say, human beings tend to rise to the need. God bless 'em. Perhaps part of my down feelings were "me" giving myself permission to slow down and "do nothing." I've never been good at that either.

I don't like that driven feeling at all and yet, like white noise, it hovers about me pretty regularly. Well, awareness is part of the healing. And I think, body awareness is too.

Three challenges are on my plate besides the regular stuff (work, home, kid etc.):
1) Write a meditation on "consecration" for a brochure that will be distributed to our church in February.
2) Present my workshop: Navigating the Cereal Aisle of Life, How to Build a Personal Mission Statemnt next week.
3) Write & rehearse (along with a young woman) 4 vignettes for a woman's retreat end of February.

Take a breath, breathe out slowly. All will be well.

Rituals and Routine

2006-01-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a blessed day as I slowly wound my way back into creative work and routine.

I started a Pilates class which was great and really energized me. And although I have been fairly faithful (not while I was out of town, ok, I know) about working out, it was great to embrace something new into my routine.

Mike read my manuscript and that was scarey because he can be disparaging sometimes, but I think he was much more open this time since I had read his screenplay (1/2 done) while we were in Nebraska and because of Brenda Ueland, I was able to give him lots of praise and encouragement. It's what he needed. It's what I needed. Gosh, something actually worked between us for a change.

I spent a lot of time in my space yesterday and it just glowed and glimmered throughout the day. The weather was gloomy outside, but the many candles and soft lights in my sanctuary made it feel very womb-like. I had prayer time and writing time and just sitting or sleeping time.

Although I didn't sleep well last night, still struggling with a chest cold, I woke early enough to begin my day with prayer and get the boys off to their first school day after break without a battle, and I put in a full day at work.

It's still pretty early and already, I have put in my requisite 300 words on my manuscript and I have accepted another gig - to write/produce/perform 4 short dramatic vignettes in late February at a women's retreat. I hope that wasn't a mistake, but it felt right to say yes.

One last thing to share... Sunday night, during the evening service, a masked gunman came into the sanctuary of our church and robbed the people there, forcing children to walk up and down the aisle collecting wallets and purses. I'm glad I missed it. What a travesty. What will that mean for other churches in the area? What will it mean for us?

Hiatus and More Beginnings

2006-01-01T14:13:00.000-05:00

Two months. I can't believe I haven't written here since October. But I know the reason, really. I have not been able to split my energies to include the blog. Even today, I am torn with other responsibilities and desires. I need to prepare for my "personal mission" workshop that's coming up in a few short weeks, I need to return to my manuscript (which came to a screeching halt in the face of the holidays and preparations for my problem-solving/creative thinking workshop in December) and I have "the bills" which appear to have a little gremlin perched above them who screeches obscenities at me for not paying "the bills" before the New Year. ("You'll be sorry," it squeals, "you didn't pay your bills by the New Year, you'll be poor all year long!" - ah yes, I remember now, that was my mother who always said that.)

And yet, despite the cacophony, this New Year heralds sweet promises. Historically, New Year's Day hasn't meant much, I prefer my birthday as a time marker, but 2006 feels full of change and wonder. All right, I confess, I do have a few little rituals like wearing something new on New Year's Day (today it's pink socks) and having money in my wallet; and Mike has always insisted we eat black-eyed peas and spinach, so I've gotten sucked into that one after 20 years as well. I also make a few standard resolutions for improvement: the perennial diet, the unread classics, the unorganized desk, the unpainted bathroom (or bedroom, or closet - there's always something that needs to be painted) etc.

But truly, there's a hopefulness in this year that I haven't had in a long time. Perhaps it's because I sense big changes are coming. Perhaps it's because I believe in my mission and I'm actively pursuing it. I don't know. But I am back and I want to tackle the challenge of chronicling this time of creativity as best I can.

Here's my latest read: If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland, original copyright 1936. It's awesome. Oh, that I would have had such a mentor to spark my writing, my desires, my heart. Oh, that I could become more like her and spark the hearts of others. I can. I will.

Writing, Growing and Knowing

2005-10-25T22:43:00.000-04:00

It's late and I'm tired, but too many days have passed and I'm feeling I have lost my momentum here. But it's hard to keep the momentum going on all the fronts when there is so much happening in my mind, heart, and spirit.

It is said that habits are made in 21 days, so you see, I lost this habit, but I have picked up a few new ones: I am rising early to have a quiet time in my sanctuary/room. Each morning, around 5:30, I come in and light the many candles and sit and pray or read or I am just quietly sitting and listening. It is as I had hoped and it is a good thing.

I have scheduled two workshops to share my experiences with building a personal mission statement. Right now, it's for the general public and it's called "Navigating the Cereal Aisle of Life: How to Build a Personal Mission Statement." I will be using this and then adapting it for librarians as I plan to present at MLA. It is almost complete in basic content.

And, I am working on my book... at last. It is set in St. Petersburg right now and it's a good thing to be writing. I was very much affected by Ann Lamott and her book, Bird by Bird. I thank her for writing the words that stirred my heart enough to begin. She says, start small and just start... not to worry if it's the beginning or the middle. So I did and I have and I write at least 300 words a day. It's a good beginning.

In front of me, as I write, I have a new photograph that I purchased at the local arts festival. It's a water lily between several pads floating on the water. It carries deep calm inside it and for me, it is a touchstone for our Lily still waiting for us to come and get her. The book is really dedicated to her and the children like her and to our boys who escaped that life.

I am Fire ...

2005-09-18T21:16:00.000-04:00

I have been on a bit of a personal journey these past few weeks ... one of the authors I read has tweaked my interst in developing that personal mission and vision statement for myself (I poked around a little with this when we were working on our Strategic Plan at work). One of the exercises asked me to select which of the four basic elements: wind, water, earth & fire ... were most like me... and then, to build on the idea with descriptive words and verbs which would become a kind of story poem about me. This is what I discovered:

I am fire.
Consuming fire, full of heat, light, and power,
Sometimes dangerous, unpredictable, angry, and volatile, yet
Glowing, mezmerizing, full of light, and colors:
White, yellow, orange, red, and blue.
Persistent, indestructable, and swift.
Cleansing, refining, purifying fire,
Respected and often feared.
Misunderstood.

I, Irmgarde, am fire.
I can destroy, consume and burn
But I also transform, change and refine.
I warm others.
I heat up situations.
I am a cleansing change agent.
I illumine dark places.
I glow.
I crackle!
I flame.
I light the way.

A work in progress:

My mission is to inspire meaningful change, build faith, and connect people with resources that can make a difference in their lives.

What do you think?

First Day of School

2005-08-28T21:19:00.000-04:00

I think all parents have an annual transition time when their kids head off to school. I basically still function on a school year. It's like something needs to start happening once September rolls around. It's time to get serious... new projects, new plans, new directions. :-)

Well, my oldest is off to high school tomorrow. I can remember Kindergarten and 1st grade... that look as he headed into the school building for the first time or got on the school bus. Red letter days! And now, here we are, facing high school and attitude and sloppy jeans and girls who write "Sergei is Sexy" with magic marker on his arm. Gad! I'm surprised they didn't write their phone numbers ... or maybe they did and he pocketed those, along with their IM names.

My youngest returns to the safety of Catholic school and 7th grade... he'll be seeing his friends again... he'll be back on familiar turf. That's a good thing, I think. Will he become such a stranger as Sergei is becoming? I need to let go... I know that intellectually. I'm working on it. Honest.

And my third... my poor stray daughter, still waiting in St. Petersburg for her new parents to come and pick her up. I know she feels forgotten. Oh Lord, make a way... break open the gates so we can bring her home. She should be starting school now too. She should be a freshman too. But the delays become longer and longer. The Russian government is tightening the restrictions. And the girl, my poor daughter, knows nothing of the bureaucracy... only feels yet another rejection, another abandonment. Have mercy, Lord. Have mercy on Lili. Make a way... only You can truly make a difference here. Like the widow in Luke 18:1-8.... I plead the power of persistence and justice!

Old Friends

2005-08-21T21:30:00.000-04:00

Many people go to reunions, but I just had something better ... not just any reunion, but a particular kind of one... a reunion with two women who have been my friends since high school ... dare I say, 40 years ago! We haven't been particularly close over all of those years and yet, there is a knot that holds us together.

One of them is a psychotherapist in California who specializes in music therapy along with other spiritual practices and the other has a PhD in Special Education and is tenured at a small southern college. They are deeply thoughtful women who challenge their worlds both within and without. They are women who have never stopped searching, believing, hoping, and growing.

We are really quite different, we three, but we respect each other and rejoice in the simple of knowing of on another.

We know about the big moments in each other's lives and often, we've even managed to share a few in person. But we also cherish the small intimacies that only longevity and perseverance can produce. I believe, in many ways, we still trust each other... maybe not as deeply as we did, those Shortridge High School girls sitting in the grass contemplating the sorrows of racial strife, assasinations, and the Vietnam War. The pulling apart already started in college even though we attended the same school. We each took such different roads once we left Indiana University ... and yet, here we are, so many years later, filling an afternoon on the Magothy River with our life stories.

Thank you Mary and Becky. I am grateful for your friendship.

Almost There...

2005-08-04T20:39:00.000-04:00

My nephew was here this week. He has turned out well... He had a few near misses - bad choices and the like, but clearly, now, at 24, he's become a good man, delightful company, and a good influence on the boys. Thanks Stoff!

Next week, the boys go to "away" camp ... a week with no arguing. How will I use my time? There is still much on the home front. Our worker is finished, but chaos still reigns. Got to move Sergei's stuff into his new room. Got to finish Lily's room. Almost there, upstairs... almost there. The basement storage area beckons ... but should I give up my week of quiet there... I don't think so.

My sacred space beckons as well. I think, yes. I will take a day next week, maybe two, and finish here in my room. Put my art on the walls. Hang my curtains... File my papers. Embrace my altar and build it from the inside out. Feel the part of it. See the whole of it. Almost there.

I also need to think about my "new street" a little. Today, at work, they had the follow-up Strategic Planning meeting - the "action plans" step and I was not included. That hurt. Again, a sense of being out of favor... of not being valued at that level. But, the Leadership Institute gave me an edge that I must hold onto... I need to recover the feeling, the sense, the belief ... that I do have value and I can create my own favor. Almost there ....

What is it that I have to say? Can I build my own content? Can I focus and compile all that scattered "stuff" from books, seminars, and conferences. Can I work through the fear of tripping up again? Can I do more than just dream about it?

So far, unfortunately, I've reacted in my cliche way ... more information gathering!!! I think I have 12 books on hold at the library and more on order from the bookstore ... and yet, I know... I know, down in there somewhere, that I must stop gathering (Little Voice says: "oh, not yet... I'm not ready ... just need to read more, see more, hear more... not yet... don't stop yet.")... but I know, I must stop... I must stop long enough to sort through what is already there. Why don't I trust what I already have in my head... in my heart... in my soul? Why does it never seem to be enough?

Almost there... it always seems to feel like I'm only almost there... Will I reach my own "tipping point" this time?

Walking Down Another Street

2005-07-23T21:16:00.000-04:00

I left the Institute Friday around 1:30 pm and arrived home by 2. I was so full of hope and invigorated with all kinds of ideas and possibilities. By 2:30, I was walloped with the reality of a chaotic house run by by 2 teenaged boys and a husband/father who doesn't do multi-tasking particularly well. Talk about deflated! I got sucked right into the chaos and disappointment.

Today, a day later, I feel a little better, but it has been difficult to rekindle that rush. But whether I rekindle it or not, the future is still before me and I can choose to change it. I can take a another street.

Here's a poem that Becky Schreiber shared with us, written by Portia Nelson:

Autobiography in Five Chapters

1)
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…I am hopeless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
I still takes a long time to get out.

3)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall…it's a habit
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately

4)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5)
I walk down another street.

I think it's time to sincerely consider moving on to the next chapter (and street) of my life.

Make an Offer

2005-07-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

I'm at a "leadership institute" this week. And there have been some keys, but the biggest key so far was based on a quick remark that came out of last night's session.

A leader must be aware of her surroundings ... environment ... whatever, and out of that awareness and/or sensitivity, observes a need. Based on that observed need, she "makes an offer" to meet that need ... or address the situation ... or bring about an improvement or recommend a change. As a followup, if her offer is accepted, she must now deliver the goods. Being a leader is both sides - awareness enough to make the offer and the ability to follow through.

Being this kind of a leader requires self-awareness and a willingness to give of oneself. Being a leader of this kind requires self-sacrifice. It's a choice.

This Institute is specifically work-related, but the application goes beyond work. It applies to church, community, family and more. I believe it requires my removing the blinders of my typical way of seeing.

I am a leader. But I am a leader that has been sitting on the sidelines. Just considering the idea of "making an offer" has frozen me. I have grown too tired to lead ... consumed by the juggling of daily life. I think I need to review my inner truth.... to make an offer.

Friends and an Unfolding Life

2005-07-06T20:39:00.000-04:00

Thanks Kathy... you're the best!

What a joy. My dear friend came down from New York to help move our houseguest (been here since April something) - involving ex-husbands, many pick-ups, helpers, and more. And if that wasn't enough lugging and laughing, she helped me get my focus back on my sanctuary/study... wow! what a difference. It's now a neat, quiet and openly loving space. I am so happy as I spend time here today. We revolved my desk so I can rest my eyes on the beautiful woods behind our home. If I look to the right, I see my many bookshelves filling with my favorite books, finally getting some breathing room after long months in basement boxes. The newly purchased victorian chair goes great with the new loveseat and everything just feels enveloping. We even got my old secretary desk in a perfect corner, awaiting my candles, pictures, objet d'art for my altar. What a difference it has made ... a place to go.... hide, sleep, read, study, work... it all feels perfect. It's really my long-hoped for dream room. ...the healing has begun.

And THEN, we worked on the family room... it too, has been transformed and welcomes everyone in. No more boxes, less clutter, less furniture. Can't wait for my other friends to "come see... come see" and enjoy our home.

There was a lot of hard work (and there's more to do), and despite the fact that every computer in my house is "down" - I am more hopeful today than I have been in a long time. Everything will work out fine.

Our home is really a lovely place. It can be the nest that everyone in my family can enjoy.

I am just very grateful for my friend who understood what I needed this weekend without my even saying it. I look forward to the day I can do the same for her.

Today, in preparation for a Leadership Institute I've been invited to attend (only some 23 participants statewide - that's cool)... I started reading one of the books on their recommended list: Synchronicity: The Inner Path of Leadership by Joseph Jaworski (as in son of Leon Jaworski ... Watergate prosecutor - for those of us old enough to remember...) ... Anyway, I love the book already. Among other things, he talks a great deal about relationships as central to our being... not our doing.

Jaworski asks us to make "fundamental shifts of the mind... to think that the world can ever change without changes in our mental models is folly. ... it's about a shift from seeing a world made up of things to seeing a world that's open and primarily made up of relationships, (emphases mine) where whatever seems most real to us, is actually nonsubstantial. ... we live in a world of possibilities."

Today, tonight, I welcome this world. I commit to living it, feeling it, unfolding within it. Thanks friend. You also have been a part of this little reawakening too.

To Those Who Have...

2005-06-28T07:20:00.000-04:00

Well, there's a scripture ... To Those Who Have Will More Be Given Matthew 13:12. Of course, the implication is that it's about "good things." But today, I think this is a principle that's applying to the other side.

Certainly feels like I'm experiencing a fat load of more crap.

Our adoption is delayed yet again because of the paperwork. Since our agency is still not accredited (Russia has been withholding), we must do an "independent" adoption so that many of our papers need to be redone.... that's not just filling them out, but also getting them notarized, carried to the county for their seal and then driven to the state capitol for their seal, then fed-exed to the agency. Naturally, because of the chaos of the house, I could not find the originals. Burst into tears last night.

Then, after more translation, they're saying our first trip won't be until August and probable "pick-up" in October. I feel so badly for our girl.... waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm sure she's even questioning her decision to come. It all feels so heavy today.

Chaotic house doesn't help. My sanctuary is cluttered with things waiting to be moved to the basement... almost done... almost done. Our bedroom is painted a vibrant blue-green ... feels like a water color, but we are waiting for the crown molding to be done. Bed in the middle of the room. I fell off the step stool... crunched my legs. yow. Boxes everywhere. Can't find anything.

House guest is moving out on Saturday.... but of course, I have to arrange the whole thing... trucks, people etc.

And work deadline hovering... July 11. OK. Take a breath. This too shall pass. It will all come together. Mantra: This day is a day given to me to walk and live to the fullest. I surrender to this day. Breathe. "BUT ALL WILL BE WELL, AND EVERY KIND OF THING WILL BE WELL." Julian of Norwich

How Should I Count the Time?

2005-06-12T20:18:00.000-04:00

It's all happening so fast ... and yet, it's also at a standstill.

Activity - a flurry, but nothing finished... all in process, all in a state of becoming, but nothing finalized.

My sacred space now has 4 bookshelves neatly lined up like soldiers on one wall ... no books on them, but the shelves are there. The loveseat comes on Wednesday and then I can get the other shelves to fill in on both sides. I just found a wonderful antique reading chair to compliment the sofa - but Nicky (the fattest cat in the whole wide world) is trying to claim it as his own personal sacred space. :-) I'm trying to find an antique corner cabinet for my altar. (See last part of entry called Strategic Planning.) No luck so far... but I'm holding out for the right piece on this one.

On the other hand, the tops to my new desk had to be replaced twice because of damage via shipping. Then, the cable people had to come out to get the data line working and then the router died (drives the wireless network) and a computer guy (well, it was really a gal) had to come in to troubleshoot. Finally, everything up and running but then the boys got Trojan Worms (probably from IM'ing) and now both of their computers are DOWN and out until I can "wipe" them and start over. Sigh.

And then, out of nowhere, Mike decided it was time we got new bedroom furniture (since we've never had anything but the college look - bed on frame, mismatched everything else), so, suddenly, we appear to be creating another special space... this is one that he is participating in and that is ... well, that's just downright new. He even hired the contractor who's doing the basement, Mr. George, to put in crown molding. Whoa. Go, Mike. So, we splurged on a queen size sleigh bed, 2 dressers and a night stand in luscious cherry wood. That stuff arrives in a month, so now, we gotta get the painting done in there soon. I think Mike's actually going to help paint. I'mt thinking there may be something special in this change.

Kip is opting for our old bed while Sergei is getting a loft bed... this is all before Lily comes. (See April: Family & Holiness)

The basement space is coming together. George finished Mike's studio and next he's starting on the "craft space." It really looks great. I think it's cold as blazes down there, but Mike likes it that way. We'll also have two storage spaces... although right now, it's total chaos as we had to move "stuff" from one side to the other, from one section to another, so he could build the rooms one by one.

Yesterday, the mulch came. 4 yards of it, but not enough, so the yard's only 1/2 done. But the front & side flower beds are done and part of the back, so it looks better. It's all part of getting some order... it felt good to work in the yard again. But I was so tired after only 4 hours... I felt very old. Time... again, fooling me.

It was just a weekend ago that we went to Omaha to see our niece graduate from high school. Where has that time gone? She is so beautiful and we were all so proud... 3rd in a class of 400+ Go, girl. But the joyousness was mired by the tensions there. My brother looking for work, his wife focused on her work and her world, and the older boys (in their 20's), still finding themselves. There was such a very big elephant in every room. But our time was too short and it just didn't seem appropriate for me to cry out: Look, don't you see the elephant? Instead, we all tried to act "normal."

At our last meal at the cafe, Sunday brunch, tempers really flared and I couldn't stand the thought of getting on a plane with harsh words behind us. I finally grabbed Aleks out back and said to him what I wanted to say to them all: "I love you. I will never stop loving you, no matter what choices you make, no matter what mistakes you make. I will always love you because that's all I can do. Please don't treat me like you believe I don't even care. Because it's not true... never was, and never could be." He broke. He hugged me. He said he was sorry. I said, "I don't want to lose you." And I knew then, that it was this that I feared the most ... to lose part of my family because of a broken marriage, broken hearts ... to lose the people that I love... not just Aleks, but all of them... my brother, his wife, their kids... I don't want to lose them. Oh, God, do a work there. Please.

And last of all, our Lily news... which is no news. Here the clock has appeared to stop altogether. All papers turned in but nowhere to go. Just wait. We still hope to travel end of June... but it's middle of June already. She's at camp now. We can't even call. I try not to think about it. Our last call was not so good. She was angry and frustrated - why haven't you come? Why is it taking so long? I can't blame her. I'd be angry too. There's no way to explain to her about the many stupid problems. They would be meaningless to her. The last stupidity? When we submitted our dossier at the county clerk's office, our notary's seals turned out to be inaccurate. That was not a good day. We got the papers corrected, but not without much angst. So, now, the documents are in Russia being translated. And then, to make matters even worse, we heard that the other family "heard" that some of the judges are NOT granting the adoptions. Oh Lord. Have mercy. The other family goes June 28. We hold them up in prayer. We hold our own situation. We ask that you pray too.

Stories for Healing

2005-05-25T22:00:00.000-04:00

OK, so here's where I'm really headed and what this whole space thing has been driving toward.

Some months ago, I felt called to build a web site that would be a compilation of stories... my story as well as the stories of other men and women who, otherwise, might not get their stories "out there." From the process of telling, re-telling, and writing these stories, I believed there would be other people in the artistic community who would "echo" the stories through their craft - be it visual art, performance art, or whatever. All of this would be posted. That's the Lydia Mosaic and I am still committed to that project.

In the meantime, I discovered Dan Allender who was writing the book, "To Be Told" (recently released) and who was offering workshops on personal stories for healing. I was amazed at the similarities and decided to attend his workshop last August. The workshop was very insightful and although there were clear differences of vision, there was fruit there that I wanted to incorporate into the Lydia Mosaic.

One of the keys to Allender's point of view on personal stories is that each one of us is really God's story... we are an expressions of who God is... our stories, full of pain and joy, are all about God in this world. And, we are actually co-authors with God in the telling (and walking out) of our stories (whether we are conscious of this truth or not).

Tonight, as I was driving home from choir rehearsal, I realized that I have been telling my story for many years (in the form of 'testimony') and thinking I was being too self-absorbed. But, I believe I see now that I was already moving in this arena of story as an expression of God. The next step is to discover the patterns of my story... for these are the clues to the story that hasn't been written yet.

This space... this sacred space that I am trying to grow inside my chaotic home environment is the place I have wanted to truly birth the Lydia Mosaic and to continue my unraveling of personal truth ... to continue my heart's journey.

But the physical space is moving more slowly than the driving in my heart to begin, to work. So, I understand, I think, that I must build my inner space with more determination. For, in the end, the work is going to happen there first anyway. The physical space is the cocoon, yes, but I think I am being forced to work from inside out.

Like my thumb, which, on the outside, is healed after the surgery, and yet the nerves are still firing and giving me much pain. The interior structure is operating on a different schedule... a different plane. I cannot rush it. I must acknowledge it.... walk it. Live it. It's all going to happen.

It's and/both... I must nurture my inner space and build my outer space... whether they appear to be "together" or not. They will converge along the way.

Space only Works if your IN It

2005-05-24T21:27:00.000-04:00

Grrrrr! Just want to be in my space.... just want to collect all the pieces and put them together. Just want ... just want....

Wireless network not working right. Kids in my face... want IM back... yada yada. House guest needs to rant and talk talk talk. Husband sick ... not that sick, but there's much moaning and groaning. Basement contractor good... but needs this... needs that. Move the boxes, make a path. New microwave arrived today... needs to be installed. What's for dinner, mom? Chicken Again??? yeah, what? You wanna cook? And my hand still hurts after surgery. Numb on one side, nerves firing on the other, all confused.

I AM COMPLAINING!

But here's the real truth, don't ya know? Space is not physical. Space is inside. So, come on, step inside. Space is always there. Just got a choose it. So, I choose it now. For this small moment. I am there. And so, peace is still possible despite the chaos.

Strategic Planning

2005-05-17T21:37:00.000-04:00

We're working on our Strategic Plan at work and at one point, the facilitator said, "Our family does Strategic Planning each year" and I thought, "Gad! What would that look like?"

He introduced us to the term: BHAG (Big, Hairy, Audacious Goal). Funny. What would a BHAG be for a family since it's supposed to be for many years out... 10-15. Ten years from now, all of our kids would pretty much be out of the nest (at least, we hope so!). I guess each person in the family would have their own BHAG. I might try this for myself... just to see how it feels for me.

A BHAG is something you are deeply passionatle about... it drives the engine. In some ways, I almost feel like I am operating on a BHAG but it's just not written down on paper... it's why we're adopting and renovating and why I'm creating a personal space.

The other thing we did at work was create "core purpose." That's the reason for being. It's the thing that should have been true 50 years ago (well, that's babyhood, so that's no good)... so how about, 30 years ago ... and would still be a core purpose 30 years hence. I think I'd have to draw from scripture for that one... Something one continually pursues but may never fully achieve .... a worthy pursuit, but broad enough in wording to encompass a wide range of methods for walking it out.

A Core Purpose: Love the Lord our God with all my heart, soul, and strength.... and my neighbor as myself.

And after core purpose, comes core values... the essential and enduring and guiding principles. Gonna think about that one at bit.

A Core Value:
Forgiveness.... forgive others who fail me; forgive myself for mistakes.
Help ... use my abilities, talents, and gifts to help others

Oh, on a different note, but related to my space... I got a book yesterday on "Building Women's Altars." It's definitely a little New Age, but I love the concept of building an altar in my room. It would, of course, have Christ as a focus, but there would be other items there that would, not only draw me closer to Him, but also center my spirit and focus my thoughts. I could place items of significance there - photographs and tokens and memories. And, even more intriguing... the idea of the altar changing ... like seasonally or whatever. I have a place picked out in my room. Since my desk is in the middle of the room ... opposite my computer monitor rhere is a corner where the closet juts into the room. Yes, there. My eyes would rest there often.

Steps

2005-05-13T22:21:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back. This is one of the lines from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Little Lucy has just discovered Narnia on the other side of the wardrobe and spent a pleasant afternoon there, only to return to her "real world" to discover that no time has passed at all. She wasn't really missed. That's how this feels tonight. I've been on a wild and wooly journey, but here, no time has passed at all. Well, for the record...

I have finally fed-exed our dossier and now it's a waiting game as we wait for the call from the agency for our first scheduled visit to St. Petersburg and a visit with our new daughter, Lily. We talk each week, but she's getting discouraged.
I had surgery on my hand for a "trigger-finger" on the thumb: the opening of the tendon that allows the finger to bend became inflamed and too small for the tendon causing pain and difficulty in moving the thumb. Now, I just have a big bandage and a sore hand and tenderness at the incision point and numbness. They say the numbness will go away. I sure hope so.
I am sitting at my new desk in my new room. (See Unfinished Floor below) The shelves are still in in boxes and there's no artwork or rug, but I'm in and slowly organzing and preparing the space for occupation. Hurrah.
My eldest graduates in 10 school days from 8th grade. Wow.
Our house guest is still struggling with lots of issues. She treads heavily sometimes into lives, giving parenting advice and decor advice etc. It's frustrating sometimes, but I know it is part of getting better. I'm trying to help her find a place to live before our new daughter arrives this summer. The situation is not good... from bad credit to not being old enough (must be 62 for senior housing) to long waiting lists, yada, yada, yada. The bureaucratic maze is endless. I pray I never have to face it myself.

First impression: I need to recover a balance between the visionary and the day-to-day. But, perhaps there is more balance than I realize. Perhaps it has been the vision, after all, that is holding together my day-to-day. Yes, there is a sense of stepping on stones... but no swift stream here... just a vast, seemingly, never-ending sea. And yet, I see a way. There is strength in that.

Next up!

2005-05-01T21:58:00.000-04:00

Well, one show is over and next up this week, I'll be learning how to navigate social services, HUD, and the local public housing authority for my wounded bird of a friend.

The other show... the play... went fairly well actually and most of the kids stepped up and did an admirable job. But now, in addition to careening through the social services learning curve, I must also return all the borrowed black curtains, and props, and costumes, and make-up. We did strike everything from the school cafeteria, so I won't have to drag that out. Little do they know... how done I really am. I mean, I think I'm cooked on doing shows for the school.

It's always been my policy to stay away from backstage during performances. I think the kids need to go it alone without the Director hovering, etc. But, when it's pre-teens performing en masse, I always ask the school administrator ... the PTA... the teachers... pleeeze, I need at least 3 adult volunteers backstage each performance and each dress rehearsal. I only got one. So, there were some incidents: a broken memento; stolen drinks from a teacher's desk; dry ice being snorted from a coke bottle filled with water; broken props; stolen money; consumed food props; allergic reactions, and more. It all just made me very tired.

I wonder what the students' memories will be of all this someday? Ah well, time to move on to government bureaucracy... not much different from school politics and parent apathy.

On a happier note, I found a retired guy who loves to do renovations on the cheap. He's even going to re-do the floor! My room... my wonderful sacred space may actually happen. My sanctuary... I am so ready for THAT to be next up.