St. Petersburg and Trust

OK. It's official. We leave May 21st, have our adoption interview on May 23rd and then get to spend the rest of the week with our daughter, Lily. We won't be able to bring her home ... nope, not this time, but we will trust God that all will go well and we will return in July for our final court appearance and then on to Moscow and home.

Like any difficult birth, I am expecting that once she is home, the pain of this waiting time will be forgotten. I trust God that the timing is all within His will and plan. I give Him full responsibility for everything that happens from this day forward. I trust you Lord.
adoption

To Do... To Be... To Wait

I'm not usually one to follow after popular Christian teachers ... hanging on to every word, buying all the books, CDs etc. However, I did hear a teaching a few days ago by Joyce Meyer and one idea has stuck me pretty deeply.

She maintains that one of the hardest things a person can do is to remain in a difficult situation even though you know you are perfectly capable of escaping or extricating yourself from it ... but you don't, because you also "know in your heart," it's a God thing. It's a "trust" thing. It's trusting God to take care of "you" in that situation. It's huge, really. It's pretty much how Jesus went to the cross... trusting, despite outward appearances, that God was working the plan.

I'm a doer and a fixer. I have been for most of my life. If something gets hard or difficult...I'm in there working the options, working my own plan.

I've got a lot of "difficult" things going right now: the adoption, the boys, the husband, the house, the finances, the job, the yard, the body... just to name a few. I think it's time to check in on my trust quotient ...

A lot of self-help gurus are out there reminding us that we are "human beings" and not "human doings." It's a little corny, but in my case, right now, I think it fits.

It's not that I won't be diligent ... that's part of me too... but the anxiety that I often generate when things go wrong or badly... the added stress when events are out of control and go down the tube... all that, makes me think I need to step out in a renewed place of faith and trust in God, I need to believe He'll take care of it--the situation... and me. I just haven't been doing that consistently... not authentically... not lately.

A lot of times, this "human doing" hasn't been willing to wait. Often, I don't even give God a chance to "do" or work things out His Way. I keep trying to put him on my train schedule... and He's probably walking. More later.

The Vultures Are Watching

To all my prayer warrior friends: Thank you!

God is good and all is well for the Browns again. The crisis was handled by the adoption agency staff in Russia and, in the end, it turned out to be a clerical error that put our agency on "the list." But other agencies remain on the list and I encourage everyone to lift up the many children and families affected by this threat to revoke agency accreditations.

Today, before I knew of the good news, I wanted to find a place to pray for our situation (our home was a bit chaotic this morning), so I went to the water. In fact, I found a new place near my work behind some condos. It's a lovely setting with the trees budding, the grass bright and well manicured, the cove quiet, the water very still, the birds chirping, and the sun radiant. A simple white bench above the water's edge beckoned me... it seemed like the perfect secret place.

When I reached it, however, I was surprised to find a row of vultures, at least 8 or so, at the shoreline. They were watching and waiting. For a moment, I was intimidated by their presence, but then I decided to continue, despite my fears, and to give myself to prayer.

It wasn't long before I realized God had given me this setting, vultures and all, as a symbolic picture of our adoption process. No matter how wonderful and well-intentioned, there will always be vultures waiting for prey. How will we respond?

This morning, as I prayed, the vultures departed, one my one. God scatters the vultures of our lives when we trust Him to do it.

Apparently, Mike and I let down our guard after receiving the news of our travel date last week, but now I see that we must pray without ceasing until Lily is home with us... and beyond. The vultures are still watching and waiting for an opportunity to do harm. By by trusting God ... it won't be today.

How Can This Be?

Just got a posting on one of the listservs for families like us who are working on their adoption process. Apparently there was a Moscow Times article that listed 12 agencies whose accreditations may be revoked! And yes, our agency is on the list. How can this be?

Is this the reason Reuel has been here to prepare me with all his words of trust? Trust God. It is all I can do right now. There is nothing else ... there is no one else. Oh heart, be still. Hold fast to the promises of God. Hold fast to His promise to care for the fatherless.

A Week of News

Best News: He is Risen! Thank God for that or I'd be dead. We had a great Easter with a full table of 16 friends and family.

Next best news: We have a "tentative" date for our first trip to St. Petersburg to pick up our new daughter, May 14th. We accept all prayers and good wishes for this process. It's been a long time coming. If all goes well, we'll be able to bring our little girl (ok, not so little, at 15) home in July.

Good news: We're getting a tax refund.... cool, pays for our first trip tickets.

News: I did my "cereal aisle" workshop this month on "building personal mission" with a group of 15 teenagers. That was very cool and well received.

More News: Our friend Reuel has been visiting us during Holy Week. He is truly a blessing. World for Yeshua

Not such good news: My brother has moved to Denver and he's working again and that's good, but his wife has not moved with him. I guess they are slipping into some kind of unspoken separation. I just hate that for them. Marriage is really hard.

Bad news: My precious sanctuary space has gotten mucked up and disorganized. Other family members started gravitating to it and started leaving their stuff and then, the bills and "office-related" stuff started accumulating and in a short time, it became a maelstrom and became like a beautiful garden taken over by weeds. I'm changing this news!

Damn the Head Cold

I cannot believe how powerful the Head Cold can be. My God it's a brain suck. I am totally wiped out today and I was the same yesterday and all the while, trying to do "business as normal" thing... not very successfully I might add.

Business does not feel normal. I don't really care about anything or to put it bluntly, about anybody. I have several books I could be reading; I have several manuscripts that need my attention; I have a program coming up that needs editing; I have a website that needs developing. And right now, I just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

In a couple of hours, I have to go to a reception to "network." The only reason I'm going to drag myself there is that it's "dinner" - you know, heavy hors d'oeuvres. Is that spelled correctly? I don't care.

One good moment: yesterday, I got to hear Elie Wiesel speak at a luncheon. He was amazing. He talked so eloquently about evil and hate ... how important it is for us remember the acts of evil men and women... the acts of hatred in the history of humankind. Why don't we remember? Why do people continue to brutalize one another in the name of righteousness? Why does evil seem to have the upper hand?

I don't know. In fact, none of us do.

Answered Prayer and More Prayer

I broke my fast this morning with a private communion between God and me. Oh sweet joy of knowing God's faithfulness through these days of fasting and prayer. I am in awe of His goodness.

The agency did call and it's official, they are accredited and they are now fast-tracking our process. Our new Home Study social worker is promising the completed document by the end of next week and so, along with our own updates for the dossier, we should be ready to travel by April. This is our next prayer - that the Ministry of Education in St. Petersburg will view our "request to adopt" favorably and "invite us." Please join us in this prayer.

We spoke with Lily by phone today (as we do each Friday) and her voice, though clouded with a cold, was full of hope and joy. And the other surprise? She received our Christmas gift to her ... one we mailed last November. It was a sweet sign for her.

But most important for me during this process was the discovery of trusting God again... trusting God with our future... with her future.

Fasting and Praying

How many ways are there to knock on the door of God's heart?

Last weekend, I attended our church's women's retreat and asked all the women to pray for our family and our adoption situation. On my return from the weekend I felt like I needed to do some act, some gesture to actively partner with those 180 prayer warriors, and so I decided to initiate a fast. It has been a long time since I have fasted, but this I know, a fast that is not spirit-led is gruesome and pointless. I felt confident that God was in this one and started last Monday, not knowing how long I would continue.

On that same day, my old friend Sandy of last summer had a triple bypass operation. When I went to see her, she looked dreadful and could barely take a breath, but she was compelled to tell me of a vision she saw of me praying prostrate on the floor for ten days and ten nights (this said, without knowing I was fasting). It confirmed my decision to fast and pray.

On Tuesday, I got a phone call saying, unofficially, that our agency is suddenly scheduled to be bumped up to accreditation for next week! And so, I am believing the official news of their accreditation will come on the 10th day of my fast and we will be able to re-start the adoption process for Lily. If the accreditation does not come through for any reason, we will begin an independent adoption through an attorney in Russia... not an easy choice.

Today is day six on clear liquids and all is well. I don't have as much energy as I would like and I'm always cold, but I am trusting God to reveal what is needed, when it is needed. Yes, I believe God is hearing the clamor at "his door."

Sorrow in the Waiting

Things are still not working out with our adoption. It is almost 2 years that we have been in this process with one setback after another. I have cried out to God to break the chains of bureaucracy and cultural distrust, but so far, to no avail. Oh heart.

Most of all, I grieve for her... for Lily. Each week, when we speak (through an interpreter), she asks, "Any news yet?" "Please, no more bad news," she cries. "Will this ever happen, really? Tell me the truth," she declares, "I have one foot in the United States and one foot in Russia and I cannot bear it." Oh sweet Lily. Sweet girl, I am so sorry.

Last week, I cried on the phone and she chastised me. "You must be strong, Irmiya (for it is Lily that coined that name for me). If you are not strong, then I hurt even more." And so, each week, I try to find something positive, something full of hope, some lighthearted story about our dogs or cats or even something silly about me or Mike. She got a big kick out of my story about backing out of the garage and annihilating my sideview mirror. (Of course, Mike didn't think it was all that funny, $400 later.)

Anyway, if you're reading, then pray. Our current hurdle: the local adoption agency is refusing to "update" our home study because our current "placing agency" from out of state is still not accredited. (Soon, they say, accreditation soon... for months it's been their chorus.) If the local agency won't update, we might be in a position of having to start all over again. More time and more time and more money and more money. We are starting looking at other possibilities ... even trying a private adoption, but there are no guarantees there either. So, right now, let's just face this one problem: get the home study updated. Then, decide what to do next.

I've been reading the psalms. They are truly amazing. One (maybe two) per day during my quiet time. It's astounding how there is always a line or two that captures the heart of a feeling, a concern, a fear, a yearning. Over the weekend, Psalm 74:19, 22, "Do not hand over the life of your dove to beasts... Rise up, O God, and defend your cause." Oh Lord, have mercy on your little turtledove, Lily. Have mercy and grant the desires of her heart to come to America. Sustain her hope in midst of waiting... and ours.

Consecration by Fire

Our church has erected a new sanctuary, but unlike any building most of us have ever seen. It's a "sprung" building, similar to the one linked here. The building has been dubbed "The Tent" which is not bad and certainly better than some other things that come to mind when looking at its shape. ;-)

As part of preparing to move into the facility, interested church members were asked to submit a 250 word devotional which will be put together into a booklet for each family to share in the 40 days prior to our grand opening.

This opportunity to write led me to think again about consecration and fire. The piece I wrote turned into a 2-parter and through this writing, I was reminded of the absolute necessity to walk through "fire," in whatever form that fire might take. This fire might be tribulations or pain or sorrow or loss, but it is the stuff that refines the heart. We often want to insulate ourselves away from adversity and pain, but whether we are able put off our trials of today for another time or not, we will face the fire sooner or later. Like a clay pot that must be fired for its true beauty to be revealed, so too, must we experience and allow fire to reveal our own inner strength and beauty ... the God-given part that comes from within.

Exodus 40:34-38

Pilates and me

Just feeling invigorated by my new Pilates class. What's amazing is to realize that we were learning "pilates" in acting school 30 years ago in New York. It must have been so new & trendy then that it didn't have a name. If I only could have guessed, I could be a Pilates guru now. My apologies to Bobby Troka and all the other movement/body folks who kept trying to convince us that this body work was the wave of the future. Ah well.

Nonethess, it's pretty cool to still be able to do many of the moves and to keep up with the "gen-ys" in the class. I bought a mat tonight on the way home from class and hope

It's a good thing because I needed this. I've been so tired of being sick the last week or so and generally feeling crummy. I've never been very good about "rising above" my illnesses. I can't even fathom how folks with serious diseases are able to maintain their good humor and face each day with hope. Of course, they say, human beings tend to rise to the need. God bless 'em. Perhaps part of my down feelings were "me" giving myself permission to slow down and "do nothing." I've never been good at that either.

I don't like that driven feeling at all and yet, like white noise, it hovers about me pretty regularly. Well, awareness is part of the healing. And I think, body awareness is too.

Three challenges are on my plate besides the regular stuff (work, home, kid etc.):
1) Write a meditation on "consecration" for a brochure that will be distributed to our church in February.
2) Present my workshop: Navigating the Cereal Aisle of Life, How to Build a Personal Mission Statemnt next week.
3) Write & rehearse (along with a young woman) 4 vignettes for a woman's retreat end of February.

Take a breath, breathe out slowly. All will be well.

Rituals and Routine

Yesterday was a blessed day as I slowly wound my way back into creative work and routine.

I started a Pilates class which was great and really energized me. And although I have been fairly faithful (not while I was out of town, ok, I know) about working out, it was great to embrace something new into my routine.

Mike read my manuscript and that was scarey because he can be disparaging sometimes, but I think he was much more open this time since I had read his screenplay (1/2 done) while we were in Nebraska and because of Brenda Ueland, I was able to give him lots of praise and encouragement. It's what he needed. It's what I needed. Gosh, something actually worked between us for a change.

I spent a lot of time in my space yesterday and it just glowed and glimmered throughout the day. The weather was gloomy outside, but the many candles and soft lights in my sanctuary made it feel very womb-like. I had prayer time and writing time and just sitting or sleeping time.

Although I didn't sleep well last night, still struggling with a chest cold, I woke early enough to begin my day with prayer and get the boys off to their first school day after break without a battle, and I put in a full day at work.

It's still pretty early and already, I have put in my requisite 300 words on my manuscript and I have accepted another gig - to write/produce/perform 4 short dramatic vignettes in late February at a women's retreat. I hope that wasn't a mistake, but it felt right to say yes.

One last thing to share... Sunday night, during the evening service, a masked gunman came into the sanctuary of our church and robbed the people there, forcing children to walk up and down the aisle collecting wallets and purses. I'm glad I missed it. What a travesty. What will that mean for other churches in the area? What will it mean for us?

Hiatus and More Beginnings

Two months. I can't believe I haven't written here since October. But I know the reason, really. I have not been able to split my energies to include the blog. Even today, I am torn with other responsibilities and desires. I need to prepare for my "personal mission" workshop that's coming up in a few short weeks, I need to return to my manuscript (which came to a screeching halt in the face of the holidays and preparations for my problem-solving/creative thinking workshop in December) and I have "the bills" which appear to have a little gremlin perched above them who screeches obscenities at me for not paying "the bills" before the New Year. ("You'll be sorry," it squeals, "you didn't pay your bills by the New Year, you'll be poor all year long!" - ah yes, I remember now, that was my mother who always said that.)

And yet, despite the cacophony, this New Year heralds sweet promises. Historically, New Year's Day hasn't meant much, I prefer my birthday as a time marker, but 2006 feels full of change and wonder. All right, I confess, I do have a few little rituals like wearing something new on New Year's Day (today it's pink socks) and having money in my wallet; and Mike has always insisted we eat black-eyed peas and spinach, so I've gotten sucked into that one after 20 years as well. I also make a few standard resolutions for improvement: the perennial diet, the unread classics, the unorganized desk, the unpainted bathroom (or bedroom, or closet - there's always something that needs to be painted) etc.

But truly, there's a hopefulness in this year that I haven't had in a long time. Perhaps it's because I sense big changes are coming. Perhaps it's because I believe in my mission and I'm actively pursuing it. I don't know. But I am back and I want to tackle the challenge of chronicling this time of creativity as best I can.

Here's my latest read: If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland, original copyright 1936. It's awesome. Oh, that I would have had such a mentor to spark my writing, my desires, my heart. Oh, that I could become more like her and spark the hearts of others. I can. I will.

Writing, Growing and Knowing

It's late and I'm tired, but too many days have passed and I'm feeling I have lost my momentum here. But it's hard to keep the momentum going on all the fronts when there is so much happening in my mind, heart, and spirit.

It is said that habits are made in 21 days, so you see, I lost this habit, but I have picked up a few new ones: I am rising early to have a quiet time in my sanctuary/room. Each morning, around 5:30, I come in and light the many candles and sit and pray or read or I am just quietly sitting and listening. It is as I had hoped and it is a good thing.

I have scheduled two workshops to share my experiences with building a personal mission statement. Right now, it's for the general public and it's called "Navigating the Cereal Aisle of Life: How to Build a Personal Mission Statement." I will be using this and then adapting it for librarians as I plan to present at MLA. It is almost complete in basic content.

And, I am working on my book... at last. It is set in St. Petersburg right now and it's a good thing to be writing. I was very much affected by Ann Lamott and her book, Bird by Bird. I thank her for writing the words that stirred my heart enough to begin. She says, start small and just start... not to worry if it's the beginning or the middle. So I did and I have and I write at least 300 words a day. It's a good beginning.

In front of me, as I write, I have a new photograph that I purchased at the local arts festival. It's a water lily between several pads floating on the water. It carries deep calm inside it and for me, it is a touchstone for our Lily still waiting for us to come and get her. The book is really dedicated to her and the children like her and to our boys who escaped that life.

I am Fire ...

I have been on a bit of a personal journey these past few weeks ... one of the authors I read has tweaked my interst in developing that personal mission and vision statement for myself (I poked around a little with this when we were working on our Strategic Plan at work). One of the exercises asked me to select which of the four basic elements: wind, water, earth & fire ... were most like me... and then, to build on the idea with descriptive words and verbs which would become a kind of story poem about me. This is what I discovered:

I am fire.
Consuming fire, full of heat, light, and power,
Sometimes dangerous, unpredictable, angry, and volatile, yet
Glowing, mezmerizing, full of light, and colors:
White, yellow, orange, red, and blue.
Persistent, indestructable, and swift.
Cleansing, refining, purifying fire,
Respected and often feared.
Misunderstood.

I, Irmgarde, am fire.
I can destroy, consume and burn
But I also transform, change and refine.
I warm others.
I heat up situations.
I am a cleansing change agent.
I illumine dark places.
I glow.
I crackle!
I flame.
I light the way.

---

A work in progress:

My mission is to inspire meaningful change, build faith, and connect people with resources that can make a difference in their lives.

What do you think?

First Day of School

I think all parents have an annual transition time when their kids head off to school. I basically still function on a school year. It's like something needs to start happening once September rolls around. It's time to get serious... new projects, new plans, new directions. :-)

Well, my oldest is off to high school tomorrow. I can remember Kindergarten and 1st grade... that look as he headed into the school building for the first time or got on the school bus. Red letter days! And now, here we are, facing high school and attitude and sloppy jeans and girls who write "Sergei is Sexy" with magic marker on his arm. Gad! I'm surprised they didn't write their phone numbers ... or maybe they did and he pocketed those, along with their IM names.

My youngest returns to the safety of Catholic school and 7th grade... he'll be seeing his friends again... he'll be back on familiar turf. That's a good thing, I think. Will he become such a stranger as Sergei is becoming? I need to let go... I know that intellectually. I'm working on it. Honest.

And my third... my poor stray daughter, still waiting in St. Petersburg for her new parents to come and pick her up. I know she feels forgotten. Oh Lord, make a way... break open the gates so we can bring her home. She should be starting school now too. She should be a freshman too. But the delays become longer and longer. The Russian government is tightening the restrictions. And the girl, my poor daughter, knows nothing of the bureaucracy... only feels yet another rejection, another abandonment. Have mercy, Lord. Have mercy on Lili. Make a way... only You can truly make a difference here. Like the widow in Luke 18:1-8.... I plead the power of persistence and justice!

Old Friends

Many people go to reunions, but I just had something better ... not just any reunion, but a particular kind of one... a reunion with two women who have been my friends since high school ... dare I say, 40 years ago! We haven't been particularly close over all of those years and yet, there is a knot that holds us together.

One of them is a psychotherapist in California who specializes in music therapy along with other spiritual practices and the other has a PhD in Special Education and is tenured at a small southern college. They are deeply thoughtful women who challenge their worlds both within and without. They are women who have never stopped searching, believing, hoping, and growing.

We are really quite different, we three, but we respect each other and rejoice in the simple of knowing of on another.

We know about the big moments in each other's lives and often, we've even managed to share a few in person. But we also cherish the small intimacies that only longevity and perseverance can produce. I believe, in many ways, we still trust each other... maybe not as deeply as we did, those Shortridge High School girls sitting in the grass contemplating the sorrows of racial strife, assasinations, and the Vietnam War. The pulling apart already started in college even though we attended the same school. We each took such different roads once we left Indiana University ... and yet, here we are, so many years later, filling an afternoon on the Magothy River with our life stories.

Thank you Mary and Becky. I am grateful for your friendship.

Almost There...

My nephew was here this week. He has turned out well... He had a few near misses - bad choices and the like, but clearly, now, at 24, he's become a good man, delightful company, and a good influence on the boys. Thanks Stoff!

Next week, the boys go to "away" camp ... a week with no arguing. How will I use my time? There is still much on the home front. Our worker is finished, but chaos still reigns. Got to move Sergei's stuff into his new room. Got to finish Lily's room. Almost there, upstairs... almost there. The basement storage area beckons ... but should I give up my week of quiet there... I don't think so.

My sacred space beckons as well. I think, yes. I will take a day next week, maybe two, and finish here in my room. Put my art on the walls. Hang my curtains... File my papers. Embrace my altar and build it from the inside out. Feel the part of it. See the whole of it. Almost there.

I also need to think about my "new street" a little. Today, at work, they had the follow-up Strategic Planning meeting - the "action plans" step and I was not included. That hurt. Again, a sense of being out of favor... of not being valued at that level. But, the Leadership Institute gave me an edge that I must hold onto... I need to recover the feeling, the sense, the belief ... that I do have value and I can create my own favor. Almost there ....

What is it that I have to say? Can I build my own content? Can I focus and compile all that scattered "stuff" from books, seminars, and conferences. Can I work through the fear of tripping up again? Can I do more than just dream about it?

So far, unfortunately, I've reacted in my cliche way ... more information gathering!!! I think I have 12 books on hold at the library and more on order from the bookstore ... and yet, I know... I know, down in there somewhere, that I must stop gathering (Little Voice says: "oh, not yet... I'm not ready ... just need to read more, see more, hear more... not yet... don't stop yet.")... but I know, I must stop... I must stop long enough to sort through what is already there. Why don't I trust what I already have in my head... in my heart... in my soul? Why does it never seem to be enough?

Almost there... it always seems to feel like I'm only almost there... Will I reach my own "tipping point" this time?

Walking Down Another Street

I left the Institute Friday around 1:30 pm and arrived home by 2. I was so full of hope and invigorated with all kinds of ideas and possibilities. By 2:30, I was walloped with the reality of a chaotic house run by by 2 teenaged boys and a husband/father who doesn't do multi-tasking particularly well. Talk about deflated! I got sucked right into the chaos and disappointment.

Today, a day later, I feel a little better, but it has been difficult to rekindle that rush. But whether I rekindle it or not, the future is still before me and I can choose to change it. I can take a another street.

Here's a poem that Becky Schreiber shared with us, written by Portia Nelson:

Autobiography in Five Chapters

1)
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…I am hopeless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
I still takes a long time to get out.

3)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall…it's a habit
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately

4)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5)
I walk down another street.

I think it's time to sincerely consider moving on to the next chapter (and street) of my life.

Make an Offer

I'm at a "leadership institute" this week. And there have been some keys, but the biggest key so far was based on a quick remark that came out of last night's session.

A leader must be aware of her surroundings ... environment ... whatever, and out of that awareness and/or sensitivity, observes a need. Based on that observed need, she "makes an offer" to meet that need ... or address the situation ... or bring about an improvement or recommend a change. As a followup, if her offer is accepted, she must now deliver the goods. Being a leader is both sides - awareness enough to make the offer and the ability to follow through.

Being this kind of a leader requires self-awareness and a willingness to give of oneself. Being a leader of this kind requires self-sacrifice. It's a choice.

This Institute is specifically work-related, but the application goes beyond work. It applies to church, community, family and more. I believe it requires my removing the blinders of my typical way of seeing.

I am a leader. But I am a leader that has been sitting on the sidelines. Just considering the idea of "making an offer" has frozen me. I have grown too tired to lead ... consumed by the juggling of daily life. I think I need to review my inner truth.... to make an offer.