Dear Joan Didion

Dear Joan Didion:
This is a brief letter to you... one I will never send, but had to write all the same. I just read your book, "The Year of Magical Thinking" and I want to thank you. It is not because I am a widow, nor do I necessarily think I will be one anytime soon. It's not because I want to be a widow, either. At least, I don't think I do. But I know I just read, rather swallowed, your book in less than 2 days... your life, your words. Thank you for giving me a piece of yourself, like a piece of an oatmeal cookie, broken off and lovingly shared. I know you still have most of it, but the morsel you shared touched me deeply.

I confess, I've never read any of your other books. I will probably try to now. Maybe. I can't even promise that. My reading swings in great swaths. But I am grateful for reading this one. I am grateful for the honesty of it. I am grateful for the gift of yourself through this book. I am moved by the "you-ness." You are a person in time that I now know... fractionally.

You say, "Leis go brown, tectonic plates shift, deep currents move, islands vanish, rooms get forgotten." ... but life moves on. I can confirm, we move on. We face the day. We are born each day from the "womb of the dawn" (Ps 110:3).

Grief and mourning: you experienced them with such great depth. I believe you felt them so because you loved much. There is tremendous power in that kind of love... in that kind of sorrow. It is a branding. I know it, because you shared it through your words and in doing so, you branded me. Thank you.

No Date Yet...

So many have asked... when are you going back to Russia? When are you picking up your daughter? If only we knew. The wires have been silent. Not only that... but Lily is at camp now (along with all the orphanage kids), and we have no contact with her at all. The last time we spoke, June 9th, she was doing great. She was upbeat and confident and secure in her belief that this adoption would really happen.

Oh Lord, continue to give her the strength she needs to sustain her in our time apart. Wrap her in your protection. I could use a little of that myself.

Disappointment as Stalker

My old enemy, Disappointment, came stalking last night and thwacked me pretty good from behind. I should have known better. I should have seen it coming, but instead, all I could see, feel, or touch was the familiar shadow.

I have tried not to fall into the habit of too many dreams and hopes for my kids, but there have been some basics... it just never occurred to me that my kids actually might get failing grades on a regular basis. It never occurred to me. They talk about going to college and playing sports at a Division I school but they don't seem to have a clue about the academic part of the game. In most cases, they simply don't hand in their work.

I want to help, but I don't know how.... apparently. Everything I try, including prayer, seems to fall on deaf ears. I have become the scold, the nag, the "nazi" about school work. It's not who I ever thought I would become.

See, it's the disappointment stalker... ready to stomp on me even now. Oh heck, I hate this feeling but it's so hard to shake.

This morning was a little better. I had a quiet time... spent time reading, contemplating, and meditatiing. But then, one of the kids simply would not get out of bed: last day of school, big test and did he study? Nope.

Well, each day has its worries and I need to move on. I know, I know. Place your expectations on Christ alone. Easier said than done.

Life After Travel

Everyone has been so supportive after our trip. It is wonderful to feel everyone's interest in our adoption journey. Many have asked if we have a follow-up date yet, and the answer is, nope! We continue to be hopeful that our return will happen in July since the norm has been about 6 weeks between trips. Please do pray that is the case for us since our U.S. form I600 which allows us to adopt expires at the end of July ... not good.

Life at home has been hectic. Mike's car officially "died" and today he purchased a "new" one - a 2001 Buick LeSabre. We pray it will be a good car and last us for awhile. The timing appears crummy from our perspective, but perhaps it's all for the best.

Kip is finished with school and will be moving to a public school in the fall. Sergei will finish on Tuesday. It has not been a particularly good year for the boys academically. I'm really at a loss about all that. I thought I was jumping through all the right hoops, but I think I've made more mistakes than good decisions and perhaps even more harm than good, but God can redeem all things. I'm holding on to that.

Today, I reviewed some of my journal entries from last fall. I am sorrowfully amazed at the ephemeral quality of truths uncovered along the way. There was lots of good stuff there... lots of discoveries, but they didn't stay with me. They didn't find root. I am grateful I took the time to write my thoughts, at least they are recoverable and hopefully, can be planted anew.

Unfailing love...

More Pics from St. Petersburg

OK, I think I finally figured out an easy way to share pictures from our trip and of Lily. Please scroll down a little and look at a small block of pictures on the right... this is a "flickR badge" and connects you to the FlickR website. You will probably have to create an account to look at the pictures, but it's free and quite easy to do. Enjoy!

Lily's Room at the Orphanage

Lily's Room at the Orphanage,
originally uploaded by HCPL WebMaster.

Still working on more pics... thought this one was cute of Lily in her room and a poster she made for us.

Home With No Luggage

We arrived home from Berlin/Potsdam via Frankfurt on Thursday evening but our luggage didn't make it. I guess, when we almost missed our flight (our connection time was squeezed by a late arrival) and we raced through the airport but our bags lagged behind. Fortunately, they are due to arrive here by FedEx today.

Our Germany time was simply family time as we acquainted ourselves with Bjoern and Claudia's two children, Lukas (aged 6) and Lydia (pronounced Lyoodia), aged 3. The kids were delightful and clearly bright and creative. My Aunt Gerda was there as well and she, at 68, was avidly practicing her English. We pressed her to come to America next fall for a visit and I think we succeeded if Bjoern comes along. We talked and talked and ate and ate, from a midday sandwich at a local restaurant during a heavy downpour, to "cake and cookies" at a late afternoon tea time, to a hardy dinner at night. I think we gained all of our 5 pounds that day. It was a great time and the best night's sleep!

Now we're adjusting to being home and facing the boys' inevitable, "what's for dinner?" question. As soon as our suitcases arrive, I'll post more pictures.

Other surprises at home included a destroyed license plate from one of the boys "learning to drive" (I won't mention the stop sign's fate), Mike's car in the shop, a malware (software) has hijacked my PC, and the boys are still on "electronic" restrictions. Ah well, systems pretty normal again.

Off to Germany

Well, our time here in Tallinn is coming to a close. Today, we saw the ocean (or maybe it's the bay, I'm not sure), and then Mike went off with Juri and Maur to the Estonian basketball championship game (Tallinn won by one point) and I took Inta to see the Strauss operetta, A Night in Venice. It was in Estonian, so it was a little long for me, but the music was pleasant and the dance ensemble was great. The performance was at the newly renovated Opera Theatre... very beautiful.

Tomorrow, we reconnect with Björn, Claudia, Lukas, Lydia and my aunt on my mother's side, Gerda. It will be wonderful. I do hope my battery will last just one more day.

Language switch!... can I do it? :-)

Sister, my Sister

What does it mean to connect with family so far away? We have seen each other 4 times in 9 years. Before that, I really had no true idea of this woman, 29 years my senior, who shares my father's genes and blood with me. She is a brilliant woman... a chemist by education, she worked at the same lab 60 years... working with pharmaceuticals, throughout the entire Soviet period as well as the freedom time since 1991. She did not retire until she was 79 years old. She is witty and funny and deeply moved by the losses she has experienced as well as the joys of the moment.

Her joy is infectious as she celebrates our times of being reunited. 9 years ago, we met for the first time in Riga when Mike and I made our first adoption trip for our boys. She took a 5 hour train ride from Tallinn to Riga, just to meet me... to meet us. 6 weeks later, Mike and I flew to Tallinn to see her, her extended family, her home, and to take a trip to our father's old farm. At that time, she lived in deep poverty and it was very sobering. Our guilt was palpable... but she never inflicted any of it upon us. She was at peace with the challenges that life brought to her, even the recent loss of her beloved husband, Egon, and the full life they had had together.

In 2000, on a visit to America, paid by another friend (she would not accept an airline ticket from us), she flew one leg of her trip to Maryland to visit us for some days. She marveled so at the "waste" in American living, ("Why do you have a room with nothing in it but a bed?") but she also marveled at the wonders of Washington DC, New York, and even the village life we led.

And now, 2006, Mike and I come again to Tallinn and amazingly enough, it's an adoption related visit. She doesn't really approve of our adopting a Russian girl... for those of us who never knew the oppression of Soviet life, well, I don't think we can comprehend. But, she still understands and respects our desire and our decision to adopt and I think she will accept Lily too. Their life has improved and for that I am grateful... new amenities like hot water, a nice shower, and everything repainted is wonderful to see.

This trip has been a quiet, healing time after the stress of St. Petersburg. I didn't even realize how much stress we were experiencing until we unwound as we walked amidst the beautiful trees and paths and around the ancient city, with its Middle Ages walls, stairs, and tiny shops.

Last night, we went to visit her son's family in Paldiski, a town on the ocean, some 50 minutes drive from Tallinn. The cliffs of Paldiski are absolutely amazing and the water clear from that height. The little 4 year old granddaughter, Liisbet, with her face full of joy and her natural hope for the future, she kept us entertained all evening.

There's also the laughter we all try to communicate together: Inta's son speaks broken English and no Latvian while my sister speaks Latvian and Estonian, but Mike speaks only English and I speak only Latvian and English. There's lots of translating and often, Inta forgets and speaks the wrong language to the wrong person. We look at her blankly and then she knows and has to start over. It reminds me of how insular our American life is ... so unaware of the world of languages around us. We are, perhaps, too proud that we don't make more effort to learn. Even as others learn English, we need to understand that the true nature of a culture is wrapped inside their language.

Oh, my sister, my sister, I grieve too over the loss of the years we could have had, but I thank you for these precious days. It's a thoughtful time and a precious time. I will cherish this time always.

Tallinn = Change of Pace

Arrived in Tallinn around 2:30 pm ... was just wonderful to see my half-sister, Inta. She is 83 and absolutely amazing. We took a walk at 4:15 and didn't get back until 7 pm... we walked the entire time... She did the same thing when we visited her 9 years ago... she can outwalk a camel! She is really extraordinary. Our walk was beautiful... just 3 minutes from her apartment was a lovely wood with birch trees in abundance. In several places, we walked hand-in-hand through rows of birch trees. It so relaxing and felt like true time of recovery after the hectic pace of St. Petersburg.

It's very peculiar typing from an Estonian computer... the keyboard is NOT the same.

All is well ... we will be here about 3 days. Tomorrow we go to the center city and then to the shore. More later.

Da Svidanya

Today, in the middle of a bustling esplanade, we had to say goodbye to our daughter. She said to me over and over again, "Don't cry... please don't cry!" I finally said, "If you don't walk away, I will start crying, really hard!" And of course, the tears welled up pretty good by then. She left and we waved and I thought how wrong it felt that she had to leave us like that and get on the metro by herself and ride the 45 minutes to the orphanage.

They wouldn't even cut Lily loose today until after class once again, we only saw her for about 4 hours. Several times she asked when we would return... we told her the same story ... if all goes well, in a perfect world, it could be as quick as a month... if not, then the normal time is 6 weeks, and anything after that is Russian stubbornness and bureaucracy. Please pray for that perfect world! :-)

One thing that worked out great. We got to see Galina, the director of the teen crisis center where Lily first stayed for a year. And although Galina speaks English a little, she does not speak it or understand it well enough for any kind of deep conversation. As God would have it, the interpreter I met in USA last January appeared at our hotel today ... we chatted for about an hour and in walks Galina for our lunch appointment. We introduced them, invited Irina to have lunch with us too and she willlingly translated the whole time for us! What a blessing.

We also saw the last two of the main cathedrals today, St. Isaacs and the Church of the Resurrection. They are both amazing... there are no words really.

Off to Tallinn tomorrow... a whole new language... time to switch gears.

Graduation

Today, May 25th, is Graduation Day for all Russian children... whether they are graduating from 4th grade or 9th grade or 11th grade... all heard the "final bell" today and celebrated. In first week of June, they will have their "examen" which are short answer tests (includng essay) for all subjects... very grueling and required for final graduation. It was bittersweet today, to watch Lily and her class (about 11 boys and 2 additional girls) graduated. They produced and performed a show that included a TV talk show, commercial and "game show" in which the Director and other administrators had to answer questions about their childhoods.

The children who watched the show were wild and quite "intrigued" by the odd American couple in the back of the auditorium... one with a video camera who moved all over the room "shooting."

Afterward, Lily was able to go with us to the Notary (more of a "paralegal") who registers our documents. Julia, our rep, is planning on submitting our formal request to Moscow on Monday ... very best timetable would be 4 weeks from then.

Then we went shopping for Lily ... jeans, a new purse, a top... she had a blast, we were pooped! We finally ended up at McDonald's for her and then off to the Metro. We walked back to the hotel (got lost on the way) and then relaxed at an Azerbajanian restaurant - great food.

Tomorrow, once again, Lily is prevented from coming to visit us until 3:30 ... so sorry for that, but then, we plan to have dinner with her and her old English teacher.

What a day!

Promises Broken

Plans were made for seeing Lily every day, but already, today did not happen as we had hoped. First of all, her "teachers" said she must stay at the "school" to practice for her graduation exercises tomorrow. She did not speak with us directly, but called our rep, Julia, who said Lily was quite upset. What a disappoint for her... again.

Then, our medicals today lasted not 3 hours but 6.5 hours... lots of standing, waiting, sitting, stripping (waist up), testing, talking... everyone was kind, but bottom line, it was a huge waste of time. They even made Mike do an extra sonogram because they thought he had an enlarged liver.

The psychiatric exam was most interesting only because the doctor stepped out of bounds when he found out I was Latvian American. He asked about 3 political questions about the relationship between Latvians and Russians (not good, btw), and I asked the Lord to help me give the "right" answers. In the end, I think he liked us both and all went well, but it was a bit dicey. We were the first to arrive, but the last to leave... ah well, it's done and we "passed" as healthy! Duh!

Mike and I had dinner at the "Literary Cafe," a historical cafe because it was the last place Pushkin, the famouse Russian writer, was seen alive. He left the cafe to fight a duel and lost. We then walked to the Field of Mars, an eternal flame marking the deaths of World Wars I & II (I think). Then we walked passed the Summer Palace, the Engineers' Palace, and the Russian Museum. We've seen them all... from the outside, always too late to go in. We did manage to get into the Cathedral of the Kazan... a breathtaking cathedral where we placed 5 candles and prayed for our new family among the many beautiful paintings and icons.

Tomorrow is Lily's graduation at Noon and afterward we go to the Notary ... in Russia, this is like an attorney who "registers" our request to the court. So far, so good on that score, at least. Lily has asked to go shopping and McDonalds... we will go to the biggest mall in St. Petersburg (almost 2 blocks long) just to oblige this small request.

Both Mike and I have had a deep calm. Thanks to the prayers of the people!

We're Here - It's Fabulous

Hello everyone. We're here and truly, it's fabulous!

Many of our fears were completely unwarranted in that we have felt very safe and secure while here. The small hotel is lovely and the staff very cooperative and supportive. We even discovered that one of the families we met on an adoption listserv is staying here in the same hotel. This morning, we had breakfast together and shared stories. Later this morning, we ran into each other again at the Ministry of Education and behold, we found the attorney they are using to be the one we considered using in January with the same translator we met in the U.S. as well. It was great to see Irina again.

Last night, we had our first dinner in St. Petersburg at a very good restaurant called "The Idiot." Mike said it was appropriate (har-har), but it's really based on the Doestoesvky novel theme. While there, a young man must of found our efforts to speak Russian funny, because he sent us two complimentary orders of Russian hors d'oeuvres. The server said she had never seen such a thing. We figured it was a good omen.

After our Ministry of Education interview, which went very well this morning, Julia, our agency rep. drove us out to the orphanage. It was pretty depressing... about what I expected. The building is quite old and dilapidated, although you can see several efforts to brighten the halls with student-drawn murals and the like. Finally, that long awaited moment came as Lily came flying down the hallway and into my arms. I was quite tearful, of course... it was so just great to hold her and touch her at last. Off to one side, I saw two of her friends, also crying. After much waiting and talking and meeting with orphanage staff (social worker, medical personnel, and the director), we were approved plus Lily is allowed to spend every day with us from now until we leave Saturday (from Noon or so until 8 pm). We are thrilled. And so, we had several hours alone time with her today including taking her out for pizza and ice cream.

It's been kind of halting with lots of gestures and lots of looking up of words in the dictionary, but it doesn't matter, we are just enjoying our time together.

We have learned that the director AND assistant director of the orphanage are leaving this week and being replaced next week. There is no way to know if this is a good thing or not. If the new director is supportive of adoptions in general, this will help our cause and we could be back in 6 weeks, if not, we could looking at long delay ... even into September. This is a specific need for prayer to all of you.

Well, I'd better close. God bless you all. Thanks to everyone for your prayers. More tomorrow.

T-1 Day for Departure

OK... I'm on "Git 'er Done" mode. Got all my paperwork copied and put in packets, got my passports in "fiflicate" (that' my word for 5 - har har), got most of my clothes laid out on the bed, finished a big project at work - Saturday morning no less, got to go food shopping for boys next, so I'm off and running. While on this track, Mike is doing laundry and picking up our friend Reuel from the airport while the boys are at lacrosse... I think we're gonna make it.... puff, puff.

Yesterday, I was so focused on getting things done at work as well as running more errands to the bank, etc., I forgot to call Lily. I felt terrible as I know these calls are a lifeline for her. Fortunately, our translator is available today so I'll be calling her at 12:30 ... last call before we finally get to see each other. I just can't wait!

Here's a picture of where we'll be staying. I think the woman in the picture is facing the door, sort of. Apparently, it's a little tricky finding the place and then once you find it, you have to know the code to get in. I think it was someone's apartment that was cut up into 3 guest rooms.... sounds like an adventure.

Current temperature in St. Petersburg: 57 degrees; expected high on Monday, 69.... sounds good to me.

Lists Lists Lists

Getting ready to leave for St. Petersburg: lots of details, lots of lists, lots stacks of things to take. We ask for prayers. We're getting many conflicting reports of what to expect. We don't even know how much time we'll have with Lily. We can't even see her until Tuesday night at the earliest. I promised her we'd catch up on two years of missed hugs!

Today, gracious friends from church blessed us with a monetary gift... that was so unexpected, and so appreciated. Several hundred dollars will really help! We have to carry so much cash ... crisp, unfolded bills.... gotta call the bank.

Endless lists keep going through my head: take paper products; take an electrical converter; take extra camera battery; take books. I got a great language book yesterday, so now, in between lacrosse cheering, I'm plowing through "Russian in 10 minutes day"... it's actually helping me make it over the cyrillic alphabet hump.

I'm trying not to be too anxious... still working on that "trust factor," wish I could systematically do what needs to be done, but life is not just about us traveling. I still have to put in my time at work and the boys need my attention of course... I don't want them to feel their lives go on hold just because we're going to Russia. In fact, Sergei's lacrosse team is about two games away from a possible state championship, so you know, there's a lot of energy happening around there.

It's alright. I'm blabbering.... Hello world! Here we come!

Hope to have Internet access ... hope to post pics to FlickR ... hope to keep everyone up to date. Another list... Gifts to take and gifts to bring back. Gotta pack light... oh gad, I'm really bad at that. Make a list. Stick to it. I can do this!

Love and Faithfulness

This has become my mantra: love and faithfulness. God is ... love and faithfulness. Everything is within His love and faithfulness. I can experience His love and faithfulness at any time. His love and faithfulness are always available. Amazing.

Update: We are still on track for departing May 21st. Only addition is that we have been told that we will be required to have medical examinations by 8 Russian doctors and of course, we will have to pay for it: $1500. Unbelievable really. Such a racket! I'm just shaking my head and saying my mantra: love and faithfulness.

These events are out of my control. God knows these things are happening. These events will not jeopardize or prevent the adoption... God is in control of the big picture. God loves ... God is faithful.

I'm turning over the debt to Him. How can I do otherwise? I'm turning this trip/process over to Him. I want this journey to be without terror or worry. I will plan what I can plan and I will trust God for everything else.

Psalms - Round One

I'm on Psalm 115. I've been plodding along, a psalm a day for the last several weeks... no, honestly, months, because I've missed some days along the way. My main goal this time around is to capture a moment... even one verse or word that speaks to my heart. These speakings stay with me, often into the next day as well. I have a journal now for my morning musings and my Psalm truths. That's a good thing... oh, interruption... more later.

St. Petersburg and Trust

OK. It's official. We leave May 21st, have our adoption interview on May 23rd and then get to spend the rest of the week with our daughter, Lily. We won't be able to bring her home ... nope, not this time, but we will trust God that all will go well and we will return in July for our final court appearance and then on to Moscow and home.

Like any difficult birth, I am expecting that once she is home, the pain of this waiting time will be forgotten. I trust God that the timing is all within His will and plan. I give Him full responsibility for everything that happens from this day forward. I trust you Lord.
adoption

To Do... To Be... To Wait

I'm not usually one to follow after popular Christian teachers ... hanging on to every word, buying all the books, CDs etc. However, I did hear a teaching a few days ago by Joyce Meyer and one idea has stuck me pretty deeply.

She maintains that one of the hardest things a person can do is to remain in a difficult situation even though you know you are perfectly capable of escaping or extricating yourself from it ... but you don't, because you also "know in your heart," it's a God thing. It's a "trust" thing. It's trusting God to take care of "you" in that situation. It's huge, really. It's pretty much how Jesus went to the cross... trusting, despite outward appearances, that God was working the plan.

I'm a doer and a fixer. I have been for most of my life. If something gets hard or difficult...I'm in there working the options, working my own plan.

I've got a lot of "difficult" things going right now: the adoption, the boys, the husband, the house, the finances, the job, the yard, the body... just to name a few. I think it's time to check in on my trust quotient ...

A lot of self-help gurus are out there reminding us that we are "human beings" and not "human doings." It's a little corny, but in my case, right now, I think it fits.

It's not that I won't be diligent ... that's part of me too... but the anxiety that I often generate when things go wrong or badly... the added stress when events are out of control and go down the tube... all that, makes me think I need to step out in a renewed place of faith and trust in God, I need to believe He'll take care of it--the situation... and me. I just haven't been doing that consistently... not authentically... not lately.

A lot of times, this "human doing" hasn't been willing to wait. Often, I don't even give God a chance to "do" or work things out His Way. I keep trying to put him on my train schedule... and He's probably walking. More later.