Unsettling Life on Purpose

OK, I confess, I went out for a job interview. Now, that's an experience I haven't had in a long time. That was an interesting, but terribly unsettling process. Just re-doing the old resume sends a billion shivers up my spine: what if? what if? what if? And then, you mention it, sort of in passing to the family ... what will they say? In this case, the kids were pretty supportive... the husband, well, not so much. But of course, moving is supoosedly THE most stressful thing to do for a man... that's what I've heard. So, you put out the resume and take a breath. It's fine. Nothing happens.

Then, a phone call and suddenly, you've scheduled an interview and the what if bumps multiply exponentially. I even found myself internet surfing the real estate market. It's a little shocking. Is the grass really greener over there? I'm not so sure... will I still have a room to myself where I can contemplate ... or maybe just think about contemplating? Will I still have a fantastic triple window that draws me to the wonder of the woods and their seasonal transformations? Will I have custom made storage shelves? Will I have a room for all my craft supplies that I dream of using one day soon.

And then, the interview itself actually happens. It was wonderful really. The stars aligned and I felt like I really had something to give to this new organization. Everything hopeful and helpful came bubbling forth. The job seemed perfect for me... for my personality ... can I see myself walking up these stairs and down this hallway? Can I see myself behind that desk? Can I see myself in a corner office?

To top it all off... I get an offer. Whoa! That's not supposed to happen. I mean, I was looking... I'm always looking, just in case. But I didn't really expect an offer on my first time out of the gate. Now what!

We had a family conference... a really serious one. And in the end, the timing is just not quite right. The offer, not quite enough to disrupt everything and everyone. It was a flurry.... a great, amazing flurry. And I learned so much about myself. I'm not sure what the next event will be. But there are options now that I didn't really believe were there before. As ole' Martha Stewart would say, "that's a good thing."

Happy New Year

Well, it's almost time to wrap up 2006. What a year to remember... I just flew through my posts and I am amazed at my own roller coaster ride. Is there any surprise that I'm still reeling? I am truly overwhelmed ... by events, but also by God's faithfulness in the face of my fears and doubt. Now, truly, it's time to begin a new kind of journey. Although I don't usually rabble-rouse anymore or go out on the town, the New Year is a time for reflection and renewal. I don't like to think of them as resolutions... just starting points.

I'm going to try some new things this year... to venture out a bit into some new territory for me. One calling is to lead a Bible Study ... it's time for me to do this. I have put it off for a long time and although this is far from a good time, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a good thing. The challenge now is to focus on my first topic... I am intrigued by the challenge and how it will drive me back into the Word and into prayer. This is one of the keys for me.

There is also the long awaiting manuscript... yes, I need to return to this place too.

I am missing "friends." I feel a bit alone out here, despite a sweet and loving daughter nearby but there is friendship hole that is not being filled. Have I neglected the friends I have had in the past or are we just going different ways? Is it all too late? Have I missed their reaching out to me? Did I hurt them and not even know it? I know that our new family has put demands on my time in ways I could not have imagined, but now, I'm just feeling a lonely. Can this New Year also bring new connections between me and other women? Can I be open enough to see the opportunities? I pray I can...

Holidays are Flying By...

How does this happen? I really thought I was keeping up... but look here, it's almos Christmas! Thanksgiving was a joy but so quickly gone. My brother came along with 16 others: the Schwartz's, the Williams, and a wonderful missionary couple from Zambia. We stretched out 3 tables from the dining room into the living room and had a glorious feast.

Right now, I've got to get back downstairs and finish my European packages... they are once again, a few days late getting into the mail. But our tree is up and our lights are up and the house is decorated... most of the shopping done, now it's cookies and wrapping. What a bizaare ritual, these Christmas days. How have they become so? I don't really understand. It's expensive and stressful and yet, I would miss it terribly if it were cancelled. Well, I just wanted to get a post up before too much time elapsed. More later.

Getting My House In Order

I'm feeling a bit driven lately to "get my house in order." In the past, this has been a precursor to great change ... a sense of "something coming." And, to be honest, those previous "somethings" haven't all been good. I remember this feeling before I divorced the first time or when I moved from one state to another or when I changed jobs or when someone died. It's a "preparation" time for the event to come, but this time, I'm highly aware of it and as a result, a little afraid, I think.

I'm probably wrong, really. It may be my reaction to a life out of control. "Getting my house in order" may be about creating a surer footing in the face of fractured communications and strong demands on my time, energy, and resources by 3 full-fledged teenagers and a scattered mate.

But, in any case, it's both internal and external... the renovating of the living room & hall, the organizing, the ordering of books on shelves, the finding of a "home" for everything... that's the external... and, at the same time, looking inside for the kernel of self ... the little girl who knows her Father and walks with Him hand in hand... the woman who knows her Lover and reveals herself to Him... the mother who knows the true Son and ponders His truths in her heart: the Self who knows the Other and sees her reflection.

Celebrations and Transitions

October is our month for celebrations: first my birthday and then Lily's yesterday (the 22nd) and then our Anniversary on the 30th - good gracious, 24 years! Now, that's a long time.

Lily's birthday was fun. She really enjoyed being the queen for the day. She reminded everyone that she should have certain privileges - like sitting in the front seat on the way to the restaurant, ordering whatever she wanted on the menu, going into the stores she wanted to see at the mall, and once home, picking out which gifts to open first. It was like a mini-Christmas and like a little kid, she flashed through everything at first and then, later that evening, slowing went through each item and savored it on her own. Apparently, in Russia, most people don't even open presents in front of others, so she's just now getting the hang of this very American custom.

Her favorite gift was a little "electronic pet" - apparently, this one is a little more reliable than little Pinky who still barks a lot and has quite the mind of his own. Early in October, Lily got to attend her high school's homecoming dance with one of the other ESL students, Barbara. They had a great time and Lily was particularly thrilled to get to "dress up."

On a sad note, we lost Mercy, our senior citizen cat two weeks ago. This loss was hard for everyone in the family despite the fact that her age and blindness and general poor health had worn us all to the bone. Mike and I took her to the vet together for the "big shot" and cried with her as she passed gently into sleep. She was over 20 years old and had been with us most of our married years. Truly, the end of an era for us.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. In some ways, it wasn't terribly memorable. After all, the family celebrated this past Sunday with a nice brunch in a great restaurant (of course, the kids complained about the menu... sigh!)... and with Lily driving the "let's go shopping for Mom's (pronounced muam) birthday presents, I got quite the "haul" this year. That's a switch.

But here's the reality. I'm in that next "age group" box. I hate that. Officially, I'm now in the last box ... 55 and older. Yowl! I can hardly stand it. I think I'll have a real crisis here shortly.... yep, it's coming!

Then, yesterday, I decided to tackle the "weight issue" again. That was obviously age motivated as well. Nonetheless, here was today's litany: the only thing you can really control is what you eat today. That about sums it up.

Girl Time

I am almost to the point where having a daughter is becoming "some part" of normal. Lily is calling out the girl of me, a part I didn't realize I had somehow lost over the years. I was never much of a girly-girl but I do remember long talks with the girlfriends of my youth. I think it's a good thing for her ... for me, to capture these feelings, these connections now. As her English improves and she finds new friends, our special times will probably diminish.

But for now, she looks for me at night, right before bed, and asks for talking time. Tonight, we looked at one of my old yearbooks and she laughed as I showed her pictures of old boyfriends. She wants to know my story and she wants me to know hers.

Today is Kip's birthday. It was fun to have another girl in the house insisting that all the presents be wrapped and secrets kept. I am amazed, really, that my little boy is fourteen. And soon, I know it will happen too soon, he will be bringing a young woman home to meet Mom and Dad. Will there be girl time then too? I wonder.

Each New Day

Like this sun rising over Assateague Island, each new day has been an adventure... a discovery... through watching Lily transform right before our eyes and a new family transform from four to five. The boys have been great. I'm so proud of them. I'm so proud of her. She's an amazing girl. We're getting better at this new family each day.

I have relished my time at home as a full time mom (for a few weeks), but with the start of school on August 28th, so did my work (at 3/4 time), so I still have after school with the kids. It's a special time. I didn't realize what I was missing before. There's an energy that explodes from the kids right after school. I see them in a different way than I did at 6 pm after work.

The only thing I have too little of is time alone. I look at this sunrise and remember what it took to crawl out of bed while the kids were sacked out in the motel.... to drive over onto the island ... to wait for the sun. When I started this journaling journey, over a year ago, I created a space to call my own and I created a morning vigil. I trained myself to rise early and have that alone time. Now, even 5 am isn't early enough. I'm really tired. Lily rises almost as early to get ready and catch her school bus by 6:30. Do I go back to the late night? I don't know. I'll need to squeeze something out. I need to feel the rising son in my soul.

Kip, Sergei & Lily at Williamsburg... the weather wasn't very cooperative the first day, but after that, we had two great days at the parks. The best thing at Water Country was Hubba Hubba... but we called it Lazy River, and at Busch Gardens (although a little disappointed in the variety of rides) we enjoyed all the roller coasters. Even Mom took the "plunge" and got on the one with dangling feet (once is enough). Today we're off to the beach. Hurrah!

Just One More

Well, it's all true... we couldn't resist to add one more to our family. May I introduce Pinky Brown. The boys want to add a more macho middle name but for Lily, I guess he'll always be just Pinky. Our shelter dog arrived today and although things went great with all the cats and with Daisy, the Boston Terrier, it's Winston, the old man Pug, who's having some adjustment problems. Tomorrow, we're off to the beach and Mike will be in charge of the transition for Pinky. Lily doesn't want to leave him, but I think everything will be fine. We're looking forward to a great week.

Family Fun & Shelter Dog

It's been one week for Lily as an American. She's been doing really great! I am so proud of her. And today, she really started showing her personality. We were driving to the "Russia House," a store in Northwest Baltimore and I pulled out a nail file to quickly file down a broken nail. Her mouth dropped open, "What you doing? You crazy?" Then she said, "I'm young, I want to live. You old, you want to die, OK, but I young." It was hysterical. I then told her the story of many years ago when Mike and I were going on a long trip south by car (we were without kids at the time). Mike was fast asleep and I was bored on the road, so I had a book in my lap. Yep, I know it's nuts. I wasn't seriously reading... but enough so that Mike woke up and just about about had a coronary. I've never lived that one down. I went ahead and told Lily. She laughed and laughed and then said, "Whoo! Crazy family I have now."

While we did the Baltimore trip, Mike stayed home and made dinner for us. It was great (although Lily is really not eating much yet... in fact, she's eating next to nothing ... a yogurt or hot dog is about all we can get her to eat). Anyway, Mike made grilled salmon, grilled green beans, grilled asparagus, AND grilled okra (gross! - I hate okra) as well as corn on the cob and salad. We were enjoying our meal and Mike kept trying to get someone (anyone) at the table to eat the okra... no takers. Finally, Kip said, "I'll eat one if you give me five bucks!" Mike agreed and then the drama began. He did it! We hooted and then, surprise of all surprises, Lily chimes in, "you give me 5 American dollars to eat one too?" Mike said, "sure!" Then she adds, "how about 6 dollars for me?" We all cracked up! We've got an entrepreneur in the house. Mike said, "you've got a deal" and sure enough, this girl ate an okra spear, grimacing the whole time. We all clapped and cheered. It was so great... just to laugh like that as a whole family.

On another note, when we were coming home from Baltimore, Lily followed up on an earlier conversation we had had about going to visit the local animal shelter. Well, to make a longish story a little shorter, we went to the local shelter and walked the pens. Most of the dogs were really big dogs and she was clearly not interested. At one point, I explained that none of these dogs have families. And in that moment, a deep chord was struck and huge alligator tears rolled down her cheeks. I felt so badly for her. Then, the next moment, we look in a pen, and there's a sweet little fur ball abou the size of peke-a-poo but all peachy and fast asleep. She cried out, "oh, there's my dog... I'll be family for that dog!" It was a genuine connection. So, here's the short of it, the little dog is not available til Tuesday and it's first come first serve. I have explained to her that we might not get this little dog... but if you could see her face, you would understand... it would be perfect for her to have this little rescue. We would love it too.

No Place Like Home

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

When all is said and done, I see very clearly how special and wonderful it is to be back home. I wanted to see my boys and dogs and cats and I wanted to understand my world again. I think about my girl... she's got a lot of hard days ahead. There are very few familiar things to grab onto by her. She's asked to use the computer a bit... to see Russian sites (specifically Tatu, a Russian music group) and she's asked to call her Russian friend who was adopted last year... just to hear Russian, I know. She's holding it together for now.

My heart knows it will be Ok, but unlike me, she can't knock the heels of her slippers together to "get back home again." The hot air balloon gondola is really gone and she's in Oz now to stay. We all pray it will be even better than the "Oz" of her dreams.

Coming Home

God is indeed very very good! Our 3rd ticket has manifested! We are scheduled to fly on Saturday, July 29th. We have met several families along the way and we expect many of them to be on our flight. At the embassy today, there was so much joy... we all know the feelings that flood our hearts ... we have all had difficult journeys of one type or another that has brought us to this moment.

I think about our translator in court who reminded me that all those days and weeks and even hours in court are part of the birthing process... the labor that adoptive parents must work through and endure.

It is well... it is well with my soul.

Getting Out of Dodge

Two tickets confirmed for Saturday - just need one more!

We are in a nice apartment about 20 minutes walk from the Kremlin.
City is buit in cocentric circles. I did not realize that Moscow is
very old... much older than St. Petersburg.. and yet, all I see here
is very modern interiors ... very classy... very metropolitan.

More later... I'm on my PDA in a small café. Kind of a pain 2 type...
how can so many stand texting... 2 slow 4 my brain.

Good News/Bad News

Good News!

We've finished everything here in St. Petersburg. Tomorrow (Tuesday), Lily's international passport will be delivered along with 3 tickets to Moscow to finish the U.S. Embassy side. You would think that would be a snap, but there are still a few hoops to jump through even for the U.S. (sigh) In any event, we have been given the OK to travel home on Friday, the 28th. We are ecstatic... a whole week early... that is, until we got the bad news...

 

The Bad News!

There are no seats available on any Lufthansa flights between Friday and August 3rd. That can't be God! So, get you prayers ready folks, we gotta get the message to the airline that they do indeed have 3 seats for the Brown Family on Friday! I can't imagine the toll on Lily to languish in Moscow. Thanks in advance to everyone! Don't know how accessible a computer will be once we leave St. Petersburg... so keep us in your thoughts... and hopefully the next message you see here will be direct from my PDA .... over the ocean, on our way home!

Hermitage and Tears

From one incredible St. Petersburg sight to another. Today, we did a whirlwind of the Hermitage Museum and Winter Palance. Not only are there paintings, of course, but the rooms themselves are works of art... in some cases, quite gawdy works of art... but truly, it is all beyond a Westerner's ken ... to understand that there were people, actual royalty, who might have turned to one another and said, "let's go home, honey!" Every inch of every room has been touched in some artistic way, from ceiling to floor. For example, in the throne room, the inlaid wooden floor (13 different types of wood) is a exact mirror of the bas relief designs in the ceiling. Amazing. Another room, well, hallway, has over 50 Raphael copies (from the Vatican) of scenes from the bible in order ... on the ceiling... along with every inch of wall is painted in decorative blocks, swirls, and tromp l'oeil.

Afterward, Mike headed to the hotel home while Lily and I had some more girl time window shopping. But, despite the fun we had, when we got back to the hotel and I suggested she call her friend, Irina, to say goodbye, I think it struck Lily in a way it hadn't before. She is really leaving and "goodbye" in English is so permanent and final sounding. It's not "da svidanya" or "auf wiedersehn" that both have a promise of seeing one another again. She broke down and there was little that I could do but give her space, soothe her, stay with her, and let her know that it's all right to cry. She will need to grieve, and this is just beginning.

Peterhof

Here's one of the most amazing parks attached to the Grand Palace of Peter the Great. With over 100 fountains and 400 jets, it is the center of all fountains and all without pumps!

We had a grand time touring the park, with views of the Gulf of Finland and a short excursion through the "cottage" - which only had 30 rooms... small scale for the royalty. It was given to one of the daughters. I haven't quite figured out the lineage... need a family tree cheat sheet. :-)

Tomorrow we go to pick up domestic passport and apply for International one... hope to have a real sense of our schedule for rest of week. Lily goes in and out of sadness and joy... pretty stressful time for her I think. More later.

Domestic Passport Updated

Friday, July 21: Update on Domestic Passport... we were successful with meeting the "chief" and she is more than happy to make sure Lily's domestic passport will be ready on Monday at 1:30 pm. Hurrah! With that, we should have a 24 hour turn-around which means we "should" be in Moscow on Wednesday... If Alex has his ducks in a row there, we could ... maybe, maybe, maybe be home by Friday... please make this priority prayer number one for us as we do not want to "visit" Moscow all weekend (at $350/night)...

All is well. Today was a great day... we had lovely ride on the canals and then went to a Georgian cafe for dinner after a good walk. Tomorrow, we are off to Peterhof and we have invited one of Lily's friends, Valya, from the orphanage (girl with curly hair in the graduation pictures from our first trip). Hope to post some new FlickR pics this weekend.

Have to try the "next" level up tomorrow to get Lily's domestic passport expedited. Let's hope for the best! Everything else went great... have her adoption certificate and new birth certificate. Had fun going CD shopping with Lily while Mike stayed home. Then we went to a great restaurant called the Cafe Art Deco ... highly recommend it to anyone looking for reasonable eats but classy decor. It's 10:30 at night, but it looks and feels like 8 pm ... so hard to get used to these long days.

Introducing Liliana Victoria Brown

These are the people who made all the difference in our court appearance: (from left) Ludmilla, our translator (She was totally familar with the process and was an excellent coach. Her English was impeccable.); Julia, our agency representative (She was calm and steady through the whole process, a strong supporter); Lily (who cried and cried during our first break, about two hours into the proceedings - that should have only taken an hour); me (who had the dubious honor of being the "first speaker" for our family in in front of our judge); Mike (who was like a rock throughout the process); Ludmilla V., the social worker from the agency (She was extremely supportive our petition and even when things got dicey, she spoke and firmly confidently that Lily should come to our family); and finally Grigori, the new orphanage director (His testimony probably had the most impact as he confirmed the importance of children being in a family, no matter the age). God bless them all.

Yesterday, we did not walk into court until 2:30 or so (we were scheduled at 1 pm) and then, did not finish until almost 6 pm (I felt so badly for the family that was scheduled at 2 pm and had to wait for our hearing to end!).

The judge, Svetlana, was very serious and very concerned about every detail. For some reason, she got it into her head that there were too many oddities in our financial statement and began "digging" into it.... sure that we couldn't afford the child. Of course, we can't afford the child, but we have always trusted that God has the plan and He'll provide... which He has done so far. But we couldn't exactly say that to the judge nor could we explain that household expenses can vary from one month to the other. Then, because we had a designation for childcare for Kip, she assumed that he must have some serious issues to require so much money for childcare... we had to explain several times that Kip was in a private school and we had to pay tuition plus the costs of "after care" because I was at work. Eventually, we had to explain the structure of American education system: elementary school, middle school etc. Then she questioned at length whether we thought the boys were friends with Lily from the first time etc.

Towards the end, after a second break in which the judge was giving us "one more chance" to explain some things, she followed up on my comment that the boys were leaders. Then she asked if I thought Lily was a leader. When I said she had "leadership qualities" and named them, she proceeded to read from the school report that said she had no leadership qualities and therefore, it was clear that I didn't really know the girl. It was like that the whole time. It was very difficult not to just explode.

When Mike got up to do his bit, the judge questioned him at length as well, but did not like Mike's style of "storytelling" to make a point.

And all the while, I kept thinking, how would this judge every make an "immediate" decision which would then, effectively, waive the 10-day waiting period? When we got through the worst of it and Lily was brought in for her interview, Lily mentioned a grandparent and an aunt that no longer had contact with her. Oh God, I thought, the social worker had previously said there were no relatives at all. Sure enough, after Lily left, the judge trounced on the social worker. It went badly for another 15 minutes. In the end, because there was no proof on Lily's side that there were any family members, she let it go.

When we requested the immediate decision, the judge glared, but had to ask the others present what they thought. Again, the director, the social worker, even the rep from the medical establishment supported our petition. The judge acquiesced. done. It was a 2-vodka day for me... of course, being a non-drinker, I fell into blissful sleep not long after. :-0

Now, today, we go off to get the paperwork started to change Lily's records and get a passport.
Please keep holding us up. More later.

Court Date Today

Well, we are as ready as we will ever be. We have been thoroughly coached by our representative, Julia, and I have written the 7 minute speech that we must give to present our case to the judge. Our court time is 1 pm, St. Petersburg time, so that's 5 am Eastern Time... it's quite possible the decision has been made by the court by the time you read this today. Julia said that either Mike or I could speak... so Mike looked hopefully at me to do the "honors." I'm OK with that really, but it does make me a little more nervous today.

Julia picked up Lily yesterday and we had a nice evening together. We had a small problem when we discovered we needed pictures to show in court from our last visit here in May. Sometimes, you gotta thank God even for technology! I had my jump drive and we were able to download some of the FlickR pictures to my portable device here at the hotel and Mike found a photo place to print from it. Hurrah for that.

Oh, and my suitcase finally came yesterday evening... or rather, I had to go out to the S.P. airport to pick it up. Unfortunately, the someone had rifled through the bag and one of our intended gifts was stolen. It could have been worse... apparently it was a man since he wasn't interested in any of the jewelry or girly gifts, just the leather wallet.

Today, the last thing we will be asking the judge to do is make an "immediate decision" in our case. If that is done, then the waiting period is waived. That is, of course, our prayer. May my next post introduce to you our new daughter!