Well, there's a scripture ... To Those Who Have Will More Be Given Matthew 13:12. Of course, the implication is that it's about "good things." But today, I think this is a principle that's applying to the other side.
Certainly feels like I'm experiencing a fat load of more crap.
Our adoption is delayed yet again because of the paperwork. Since our agency is still not accredited (Russia has been withholding), we must do an "independent" adoption so that many of our papers need to be redone.... that's not just filling them out, but also getting them notarized, carried to the county for their seal and then driven to the state capitol for their seal, then fed-exed to the agency. Naturally, because of the chaos of the house, I could not find the originals. Burst into tears last night.
Then, after more translation, they're saying our first trip won't be until August and probable "pick-up" in October. I feel so badly for our girl.... waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm sure she's even questioning her decision to come. It all feels so heavy today.
Chaotic house doesn't help. My sanctuary is cluttered with things waiting to be moved to the basement... almost done... almost done. Our bedroom is painted a vibrant blue-green ... feels like a water color, but we are waiting for the crown molding to be done. Bed in the middle of the room. I fell off the step stool... crunched my legs. yow. Boxes everywhere. Can't find anything.
House guest is moving out on Saturday.... but of course, I have to arrange the whole thing... trucks, people etc.
And work deadline hovering... July 11. OK. Take a breath. This too shall pass. It will all come together. Mantra: This day is a day given to me to walk and live to the fullest. I surrender to this day. Breathe. "BUT ALL WILL BE WELL, AND EVERY KIND OF THING WILL BE WELL." Julian of Norwich
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Sunday, June 12, 2005
How Should I Count the Time?
It's all happening so fast ... and yet, it's also at a standstill.
Activity - a flurry, but nothing finished... all in process, all in a state of becoming, but nothing finalized.
My sacred space now has 4 bookshelves neatly lined up like soldiers on one wall ... no books on them, but the shelves are there. The loveseat comes on Wednesday and then I can get the other shelves to fill in on both sides. I just found a wonderful antique reading chair to compliment the sofa - but Nicky (the fattest cat in the whole wide world) is trying to claim it as his own personal sacred space. :-) I'm trying to find an antique corner cabinet for my altar. (See last part of entry called Strategic Planning.) No luck so far... but I'm holding out for the right piece on this one.
On the other hand, the tops to my new desk had to be replaced twice because of damage via shipping. Then, the cable people had to come out to get the data line working and then the router died (drives the wireless network) and a computer guy (well, it was really a gal) had to come in to troubleshoot. Finally, everything up and running but then the boys got Trojan Worms (probably from IM'ing) and now both of their computers are DOWN and out until I can "wipe" them and start over. Sigh.
And then, out of nowhere, Mike decided it was time we got new bedroom furniture (since we've never had anything but the college look - bed on frame, mismatched everything else), so, suddenly, we appear to be creating another special space... this is one that he is participating in and that is ... well, that's just downright new. He even hired the contractor who's doing the basement, Mr. George, to put in crown molding. Whoa. Go, Mike. So, we splurged on a queen size sleigh bed, 2 dressers and a night stand in luscious cherry wood. That stuff arrives in a month, so now, we gotta get the painting done in there soon. I think Mike's actually going to help paint. I'mt thinking there may be something special in this change.
Kip is opting for our old bed while Sergei is getting a loft bed... this is all before Lily comes. (See April: Family & Holiness)
The basement space is coming together. George finished Mike's studio and next he's starting on the "craft space." It really looks great. I think it's cold as blazes down there, but Mike likes it that way. We'll also have two storage spaces... although right now, it's total chaos as we had to move "stuff" from one side to the other, from one section to another, so he could build the rooms one by one.
Yesterday, the mulch came. 4 yards of it, but not enough, so the yard's only 1/2 done. But the front & side flower beds are done and part of the back, so it looks better. It's all part of getting some order... it felt good to work in the yard again. But I was so tired after only 4 hours... I felt very old. Time... again, fooling me.
It was just a weekend ago that we went to Omaha to see our niece graduate from high school. Where has that time gone? She is so beautiful and we were all so proud... 3rd in a class of 400+ Go, girl. But the joyousness was mired by the tensions there. My brother looking for work, his wife focused on her work and her world, and the older boys (in their 20's), still finding themselves. There was such a very big elephant in every room. But our time was too short and it just didn't seem appropriate for me to cry out: Look, don't you see the elephant? Instead, we all tried to act "normal."
At our last meal at the cafe, Sunday brunch, tempers really flared and I couldn't stand the thought of getting on a plane with harsh words behind us. I finally grabbed Aleks out back and said to him what I wanted to say to them all: "I love you. I will never stop loving you, no matter what choices you make, no matter what mistakes you make. I will always love you because that's all I can do. Please don't treat me like you believe I don't even care. Because it's not true... never was, and never could be." He broke. He hugged me. He said he was sorry. I said, "I don't want to lose you." And I knew then, that it was this that I feared the most ... to lose part of my family because of a broken marriage, broken hearts ... to lose the people that I love... not just Aleks, but all of them... my brother, his wife, their kids... I don't want to lose them. Oh, God, do a work there. Please.
And last of all, our Lily news... which is no news. Here the clock has appeared to stop altogether. All papers turned in but nowhere to go. Just wait. We still hope to travel end of June... but it's middle of June already. She's at camp now. We can't even call. I try not to think about it. Our last call was not so good. She was angry and frustrated - why haven't you come? Why is it taking so long? I can't blame her. I'd be angry too. There's no way to explain to her about the many stupid problems. They would be meaningless to her. The last stupidity? When we submitted our dossier at the county clerk's office, our notary's seals turned out to be inaccurate. That was not a good day. We got the papers corrected, but not without much angst. So, now, the documents are in Russia being translated. And then, to make matters even worse, we heard that the other family "heard" that some of the judges are NOT granting the adoptions. Oh Lord. Have mercy. The other family goes June 28. We hold them up in prayer. We hold our own situation. We ask that you pray too.
Activity - a flurry, but nothing finished... all in process, all in a state of becoming, but nothing finalized.
My sacred space now has 4 bookshelves neatly lined up like soldiers on one wall ... no books on them, but the shelves are there. The loveseat comes on Wednesday and then I can get the other shelves to fill in on both sides. I just found a wonderful antique reading chair to compliment the sofa - but Nicky (the fattest cat in the whole wide world) is trying to claim it as his own personal sacred space. :-) I'm trying to find an antique corner cabinet for my altar. (See last part of entry called Strategic Planning.) No luck so far... but I'm holding out for the right piece on this one.
On the other hand, the tops to my new desk had to be replaced twice because of damage via shipping. Then, the cable people had to come out to get the data line working and then the router died (drives the wireless network) and a computer guy (well, it was really a gal) had to come in to troubleshoot. Finally, everything up and running but then the boys got Trojan Worms (probably from IM'ing) and now both of their computers are DOWN and out until I can "wipe" them and start over. Sigh.
And then, out of nowhere, Mike decided it was time we got new bedroom furniture (since we've never had anything but the college look - bed on frame, mismatched everything else), so, suddenly, we appear to be creating another special space... this is one that he is participating in and that is ... well, that's just downright new. He even hired the contractor who's doing the basement, Mr. George, to put in crown molding. Whoa. Go, Mike. So, we splurged on a queen size sleigh bed, 2 dressers and a night stand in luscious cherry wood. That stuff arrives in a month, so now, we gotta get the painting done in there soon. I think Mike's actually going to help paint. I'mt thinking there may be something special in this change.
Kip is opting for our old bed while Sergei is getting a loft bed... this is all before Lily comes. (See April: Family & Holiness)
The basement space is coming together. George finished Mike's studio and next he's starting on the "craft space." It really looks great. I think it's cold as blazes down there, but Mike likes it that way. We'll also have two storage spaces... although right now, it's total chaos as we had to move "stuff" from one side to the other, from one section to another, so he could build the rooms one by one.
Yesterday, the mulch came. 4 yards of it, but not enough, so the yard's only 1/2 done. But the front & side flower beds are done and part of the back, so it looks better. It's all part of getting some order... it felt good to work in the yard again. But I was so tired after only 4 hours... I felt very old. Time... again, fooling me.
It was just a weekend ago that we went to Omaha to see our niece graduate from high school. Where has that time gone? She is so beautiful and we were all so proud... 3rd in a class of 400+ Go, girl. But the joyousness was mired by the tensions there. My brother looking for work, his wife focused on her work and her world, and the older boys (in their 20's), still finding themselves. There was such a very big elephant in every room. But our time was too short and it just didn't seem appropriate for me to cry out: Look, don't you see the elephant? Instead, we all tried to act "normal."
At our last meal at the cafe, Sunday brunch, tempers really flared and I couldn't stand the thought of getting on a plane with harsh words behind us. I finally grabbed Aleks out back and said to him what I wanted to say to them all: "I love you. I will never stop loving you, no matter what choices you make, no matter what mistakes you make. I will always love you because that's all I can do. Please don't treat me like you believe I don't even care. Because it's not true... never was, and never could be." He broke. He hugged me. He said he was sorry. I said, "I don't want to lose you." And I knew then, that it was this that I feared the most ... to lose part of my family because of a broken marriage, broken hearts ... to lose the people that I love... not just Aleks, but all of them... my brother, his wife, their kids... I don't want to lose them. Oh, God, do a work there. Please.
And last of all, our Lily news... which is no news. Here the clock has appeared to stop altogether. All papers turned in but nowhere to go. Just wait. We still hope to travel end of June... but it's middle of June already. She's at camp now. We can't even call. I try not to think about it. Our last call was not so good. She was angry and frustrated - why haven't you come? Why is it taking so long? I can't blame her. I'd be angry too. There's no way to explain to her about the many stupid problems. They would be meaningless to her. The last stupidity? When we submitted our dossier at the county clerk's office, our notary's seals turned out to be inaccurate. That was not a good day. We got the papers corrected, but not without much angst. So, now, the documents are in Russia being translated. And then, to make matters even worse, we heard that the other family "heard" that some of the judges are NOT granting the adoptions. Oh Lord. Have mercy. The other family goes June 28. We hold them up in prayer. We hold our own situation. We ask that you pray too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)