OK, so here's where I'm really headed and what this whole space thing has been driving toward.
Some months ago, I felt called to build a web site that would be a compilation of stories... my story as well as the stories of other men and women who, otherwise, might not get their stories "out there." From the process of telling, re-telling, and writing these stories, I believed there would be other people in the artistic community who would "echo" the stories through their craft - be it visual art, performance art, or whatever. All of this would be posted. That's the Lydia Mosaic and I am still committed to that project.
In the meantime, I discovered Dan Allender who was writing the book, "To Be Told" (recently released) and who was offering workshops on personal stories for healing. I was amazed at the similarities and decided to attend his workshop last August. The workshop was very insightful and although there were clear differences of vision, there was fruit there that I wanted to incorporate into the Lydia Mosaic.
One of the keys to Allender's point of view on personal stories is that each one of us is really God's story... we are an expressions of who God is... our stories, full of pain and joy, are all about God in this world. And, we are actually co-authors with God in the telling (and walking out) of our stories (whether we are conscious of this truth or not).
Tonight, as I was driving home from choir rehearsal, I realized that I have been telling my story for many years (in the form of 'testimony') and thinking I was being too self-absorbed. But, I believe I see now that I was already moving in this arena of story as an expression of God. The next step is to discover the patterns of my story... for these are the clues to the story that hasn't been written yet.
This space... this sacred space that I am trying to grow inside my chaotic home environment is the place I have wanted to truly birth the Lydia Mosaic and to continue my unraveling of personal truth ... to continue my heart's journey.
But the physical space is moving more slowly than the driving in my heart to begin, to work. So, I understand, I think, that I must build my inner space with more determination. For, in the end, the work is going to happen there first anyway. The physical space is the cocoon, yes, but I think I am being forced to work from inside out.
Like my thumb, which, on the outside, is healed after the surgery, and yet the nerves are still firing and giving me much pain. The interior structure is operating on a different schedule... a different plane. I cannot rush it. I must acknowledge it.... walk it. Live it. It's all going to happen.
It's and/both... I must nurture my inner space and build my outer space... whether they appear to be "together" or not. They will converge along the way.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Space only Works if your IN It
Grrrrr! Just want to be in my space.... just want to collect all the pieces and put them together. Just want ... just want....
Wireless network not working right. Kids in my face... want IM back... yada yada. House guest needs to rant and talk talk talk. Husband sick ... not that sick, but there's much moaning and groaning. Basement contractor good... but needs this... needs that. Move the boxes, make a path. New microwave arrived today... needs to be installed. What's for dinner, mom? Chicken Again??? yeah, what? You wanna cook? And my hand still hurts after surgery. Numb on one side, nerves firing on the other, all confused.
I AM COMPLAINING!
But here's the real truth, don't ya know? Space is not physical. Space is inside. So, come on, step inside. Space is always there. Just got a choose it. So, I choose it now. For this small moment. I am there. And so, peace is still possible despite the chaos.
Wireless network not working right. Kids in my face... want IM back... yada yada. House guest needs to rant and talk talk talk. Husband sick ... not that sick, but there's much moaning and groaning. Basement contractor good... but needs this... needs that. Move the boxes, make a path. New microwave arrived today... needs to be installed. What's for dinner, mom? Chicken Again??? yeah, what? You wanna cook? And my hand still hurts after surgery. Numb on one side, nerves firing on the other, all confused.
I AM COMPLAINING!
But here's the real truth, don't ya know? Space is not physical. Space is inside. So, come on, step inside. Space is always there. Just got a choose it. So, I choose it now. For this small moment. I am there. And so, peace is still possible despite the chaos.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Strategic Planning
We're working on our Strategic Plan at work and at one point, the facilitator said, "Our family does Strategic Planning each year" and I thought, "Gad! What would that look like?"
He introduced us to the term: BHAG (Big, Hairy, Audacious Goal). Funny. What would a BHAG be for a family since it's supposed to be for many years out... 10-15. Ten years from now, all of our kids would pretty much be out of the nest (at least, we hope so!). I guess each person in the family would have their own BHAG. I might try this for myself... just to see how it feels for me.
A BHAG is something you are deeply passionatle about... it drives the engine. In some ways, I almost feel like I am operating on a BHAG but it's just not written down on paper... it's why we're adopting and renovating and why I'm creating a personal space.
The other thing we did at work was create "core purpose." That's the reason for being. It's the thing that should have been true 50 years ago (well, that's babyhood, so that's no good)... so how about, 30 years ago ... and would still be a core purpose 30 years hence. I think I'd have to draw from scripture for that one... Something one continually pursues but may never fully achieve .... a worthy pursuit, but broad enough in wording to encompass a wide range of methods for walking it out.
A Core Purpose: Love the Lord our God with all my heart, soul, and strength.... and my neighbor as myself.
And after core purpose, comes core values... the essential and enduring and guiding principles. Gonna think about that one at bit.
A Core Value:
Forgiveness.... forgive others who fail me; forgive myself for mistakes.
Help ... use my abilities, talents, and gifts to help others
Oh, on a different note, but related to my space... I got a book yesterday on "Building Women's Altars." It's definitely a little New Age, but I love the concept of building an altar in my room. It would, of course, have Christ as a focus, but there would be other items there that would, not only draw me closer to Him, but also center my spirit and focus my thoughts. I could place items of significance there - photographs and tokens and memories. And, even more intriguing... the idea of the altar changing ... like seasonally or whatever. I have a place picked out in my room. Since my desk is in the middle of the room ... opposite my computer monitor rhere is a corner where the closet juts into the room. Yes, there. My eyes would rest there often.
He introduced us to the term: BHAG (Big, Hairy, Audacious Goal). Funny. What would a BHAG be for a family since it's supposed to be for many years out... 10-15. Ten years from now, all of our kids would pretty much be out of the nest (at least, we hope so!). I guess each person in the family would have their own BHAG. I might try this for myself... just to see how it feels for me.
A BHAG is something you are deeply passionatle about... it drives the engine. In some ways, I almost feel like I am operating on a BHAG but it's just not written down on paper... it's why we're adopting and renovating and why I'm creating a personal space.
The other thing we did at work was create "core purpose." That's the reason for being. It's the thing that should have been true 50 years ago (well, that's babyhood, so that's no good)... so how about, 30 years ago ... and would still be a core purpose 30 years hence. I think I'd have to draw from scripture for that one... Something one continually pursues but may never fully achieve .... a worthy pursuit, but broad enough in wording to encompass a wide range of methods for walking it out.
A Core Purpose: Love the Lord our God with all my heart, soul, and strength.... and my neighbor as myself.
And after core purpose, comes core values... the essential and enduring and guiding principles. Gonna think about that one at bit.
A Core Value:
Forgiveness.... forgive others who fail me; forgive myself for mistakes.
Help ... use my abilities, talents, and gifts to help others
Oh, on a different note, but related to my space... I got a book yesterday on "Building Women's Altars." It's definitely a little New Age, but I love the concept of building an altar in my room. It would, of course, have Christ as a focus, but there would be other items there that would, not only draw me closer to Him, but also center my spirit and focus my thoughts. I could place items of significance there - photographs and tokens and memories. And, even more intriguing... the idea of the altar changing ... like seasonally or whatever. I have a place picked out in my room. Since my desk is in the middle of the room ... opposite my computer monitor rhere is a corner where the closet juts into the room. Yes, there. My eyes would rest there often.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Steps
Well, I'm back. This is one of the lines from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Little Lucy has just discovered Narnia on the other side of the wardrobe and spent a pleasant afternoon there, only to return to her "real world" to discover that no time has passed at all. She wasn't really missed. That's how this feels tonight. I've been on a wild and wooly journey, but here, no time has passed at all. Well, for the record...
First impression: I need to recover a balance between the visionary and the day-to-day. But, perhaps there is more balance than I realize. Perhaps it has been the vision, after all, that is holding together my day-to-day. Yes, there is a sense of stepping on stones... but no swift stream here... just a vast, seemingly, never-ending sea. And yet, I see a way. There is strength in that.
- I have finally fed-exed our dossier and now it's a waiting game as we wait for the call from the agency for our first scheduled visit to St. Petersburg and a visit with our new daughter, Lily. We talk each week, but she's getting discouraged.
- I had surgery on my hand for a "trigger-finger" on the thumb: the opening of the tendon that allows the finger to bend became inflamed and too small for the tendon causing pain and difficulty in moving the thumb. Now, I just have a big bandage and a sore hand and tenderness at the incision point and numbness. They say the numbness will go away. I sure hope so.
- I am sitting at my new desk in my new room. (See Unfinished Floor below) The shelves are still in in boxes and there's no artwork or rug, but I'm in and slowly organzing and preparing the space for occupation. Hurrah.
- My eldest graduates in 10 school days from 8th grade. Wow.
- Our house guest is still struggling with lots of issues. She treads heavily sometimes into lives, giving parenting advice and decor advice etc. It's frustrating sometimes, but I know it is part of getting better. I'm trying to help her find a place to live before our new daughter arrives this summer. The situation is not good... from bad credit to not being old enough (must be 62 for senior housing) to long waiting lists, yada, yada, yada. The bureaucratic maze is endless. I pray I never have to face it myself.
First impression: I need to recover a balance between the visionary and the day-to-day. But, perhaps there is more balance than I realize. Perhaps it has been the vision, after all, that is holding together my day-to-day. Yes, there is a sense of stepping on stones... but no swift stream here... just a vast, seemingly, never-ending sea. And yet, I see a way. There is strength in that.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Next up!
Well, one show is over and next up this week, I'll be learning how to navigate social services, HUD, and the local public housing authority for my wounded bird of a friend.
The other show... the play... went fairly well actually and most of the kids stepped up and did an admirable job. But now, in addition to careening through the social services learning curve, I must also return all the borrowed black curtains, and props, and costumes, and make-up. We did strike everything from the school cafeteria, so I won't have to drag that out. Little do they know... how done I really am. I mean, I think I'm cooked on doing shows for the school.
It's always been my policy to stay away from backstage during performances. I think the kids need to go it alone without the Director hovering, etc. But, when it's pre-teens performing en masse, I always ask the school administrator ... the PTA... the teachers... pleeeze, I need at least 3 adult volunteers backstage each performance and each dress rehearsal. I only got one. So, there were some incidents: a broken memento; stolen drinks from a teacher's desk; dry ice being snorted from a coke bottle filled with water; broken props; stolen money; consumed food props; allergic reactions, and more. It all just made me very tired.
I wonder what the students' memories will be of all this someday? Ah well, time to move on to government bureaucracy... not much different from school politics and parent apathy.
On a happier note, I found a retired guy who loves to do renovations on the cheap. He's even going to re-do the floor! My room... my wonderful sacred space may actually happen. My sanctuary... I am so ready for THAT to be next up.
The other show... the play... went fairly well actually and most of the kids stepped up and did an admirable job. But now, in addition to careening through the social services learning curve, I must also return all the borrowed black curtains, and props, and costumes, and make-up. We did strike everything from the school cafeteria, so I won't have to drag that out. Little do they know... how done I really am. I mean, I think I'm cooked on doing shows for the school.
It's always been my policy to stay away from backstage during performances. I think the kids need to go it alone without the Director hovering, etc. But, when it's pre-teens performing en masse, I always ask the school administrator ... the PTA... the teachers... pleeeze, I need at least 3 adult volunteers backstage each performance and each dress rehearsal. I only got one. So, there were some incidents: a broken memento; stolen drinks from a teacher's desk; dry ice being snorted from a coke bottle filled with water; broken props; stolen money; consumed food props; allergic reactions, and more. It all just made me very tired.
I wonder what the students' memories will be of all this someday? Ah well, time to move on to government bureaucracy... not much different from school politics and parent apathy.
On a happier note, I found a retired guy who loves to do renovations on the cheap. He's even going to re-do the floor! My room... my wonderful sacred space may actually happen. My sanctuary... I am so ready for THAT to be next up.
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