Happy New Year

Well, it's almost time to wrap up 2006. What a year to remember... I just flew through my posts and I am amazed at my own roller coaster ride. Is there any surprise that I'm still reeling? I am truly overwhelmed ... by events, but also by God's faithfulness in the face of my fears and doubt. Now, truly, it's time to begin a new kind of journey. Although I don't usually rabble-rouse anymore or go out on the town, the New Year is a time for reflection and renewal. I don't like to think of them as resolutions... just starting points.

I'm going to try some new things this year... to venture out a bit into some new territory for me. One calling is to lead a Bible Study ... it's time for me to do this. I have put it off for a long time and although this is far from a good time, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a good thing. The challenge now is to focus on my first topic... I am intrigued by the challenge and how it will drive me back into the Word and into prayer. This is one of the keys for me.

There is also the long awaiting manuscript... yes, I need to return to this place too.

I am missing "friends." I feel a bit alone out here, despite a sweet and loving daughter nearby but there is friendship hole that is not being filled. Have I neglected the friends I have had in the past or are we just going different ways? Is it all too late? Have I missed their reaching out to me? Did I hurt them and not even know it? I know that our new family has put demands on my time in ways I could not have imagined, but now, I'm just feeling a lonely. Can this New Year also bring new connections between me and other women? Can I be open enough to see the opportunities? I pray I can...

Holidays are Flying By...

How does this happen? I really thought I was keeping up... but look here, it's almos Christmas! Thanksgiving was a joy but so quickly gone. My brother came along with 16 others: the Schwartz's, the Williams, and a wonderful missionary couple from Zambia. We stretched out 3 tables from the dining room into the living room and had a glorious feast.

Right now, I've got to get back downstairs and finish my European packages... they are once again, a few days late getting into the mail. But our tree is up and our lights are up and the house is decorated... most of the shopping done, now it's cookies and wrapping. What a bizaare ritual, these Christmas days. How have they become so? I don't really understand. It's expensive and stressful and yet, I would miss it terribly if it were cancelled. Well, I just wanted to get a post up before too much time elapsed. More later.

Getting My House In Order

I'm feeling a bit driven lately to "get my house in order." In the past, this has been a precursor to great change ... a sense of "something coming." And, to be honest, those previous "somethings" haven't all been good. I remember this feeling before I divorced the first time or when I moved from one state to another or when I changed jobs or when someone died. It's a "preparation" time for the event to come, but this time, I'm highly aware of it and as a result, a little afraid, I think.

I'm probably wrong, really. It may be my reaction to a life out of control. "Getting my house in order" may be about creating a surer footing in the face of fractured communications and strong demands on my time, energy, and resources by 3 full-fledged teenagers and a scattered mate.

But, in any case, it's both internal and external... the renovating of the living room & hall, the organizing, the ordering of books on shelves, the finding of a "home" for everything... that's the external... and, at the same time, looking inside for the kernel of self ... the little girl who knows her Father and walks with Him hand in hand... the woman who knows her Lover and reveals herself to Him... the mother who knows the true Son and ponders His truths in her heart: the Self who knows the Other and sees her reflection.

Celebrations and Transitions

October is our month for celebrations: first my birthday and then Lily's yesterday (the 22nd) and then our Anniversary on the 30th - good gracious, 24 years! Now, that's a long time.

Lily's birthday was fun. She really enjoyed being the queen for the day. She reminded everyone that she should have certain privileges - like sitting in the front seat on the way to the restaurant, ordering whatever she wanted on the menu, going into the stores she wanted to see at the mall, and once home, picking out which gifts to open first. It was like a mini-Christmas and like a little kid, she flashed through everything at first and then, later that evening, slowing went through each item and savored it on her own. Apparently, in Russia, most people don't even open presents in front of others, so she's just now getting the hang of this very American custom.

Her favorite gift was a little "electronic pet" - apparently, this one is a little more reliable than little Pinky who still barks a lot and has quite the mind of his own. Early in October, Lily got to attend her high school's homecoming dance with one of the other ESL students, Barbara. They had a great time and Lily was particularly thrilled to get to "dress up."

On a sad note, we lost Mercy, our senior citizen cat two weeks ago. This loss was hard for everyone in the family despite the fact that her age and blindness and general poor health had worn us all to the bone. Mike and I took her to the vet together for the "big shot" and cried with her as she passed gently into sleep. She was over 20 years old and had been with us most of our married years. Truly, the end of an era for us.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. In some ways, it wasn't terribly memorable. After all, the family celebrated this past Sunday with a nice brunch in a great restaurant (of course, the kids complained about the menu... sigh!)... and with Lily driving the "let's go shopping for Mom's (pronounced muam) birthday presents, I got quite the "haul" this year. That's a switch.

But here's the reality. I'm in that next "age group" box. I hate that. Officially, I'm now in the last box ... 55 and older. Yowl! I can hardly stand it. I think I'll have a real crisis here shortly.... yep, it's coming!

Then, yesterday, I decided to tackle the "weight issue" again. That was obviously age motivated as well. Nonetheless, here was today's litany: the only thing you can really control is what you eat today. That about sums it up.

Girl Time

I am almost to the point where having a daughter is becoming "some part" of normal. Lily is calling out the girl of me, a part I didn't realize I had somehow lost over the years. I was never much of a girly-girl but I do remember long talks with the girlfriends of my youth. I think it's a good thing for her ... for me, to capture these feelings, these connections now. As her English improves and she finds new friends, our special times will probably diminish.

But for now, she looks for me at night, right before bed, and asks for talking time. Tonight, we looked at one of my old yearbooks and she laughed as I showed her pictures of old boyfriends. She wants to know my story and she wants me to know hers.

Today is Kip's birthday. It was fun to have another girl in the house insisting that all the presents be wrapped and secrets kept. I am amazed, really, that my little boy is fourteen. And soon, I know it will happen too soon, he will be bringing a young woman home to meet Mom and Dad. Will there be girl time then too? I wonder.

Each New Day

Like this sun rising over Assateague Island, each new day has been an adventure... a discovery... through watching Lily transform right before our eyes and a new family transform from four to five. The boys have been great. I'm so proud of them. I'm so proud of her. She's an amazing girl. We're getting better at this new family each day.

I have relished my time at home as a full time mom (for a few weeks), but with the start of school on August 28th, so did my work (at 3/4 time), so I still have after school with the kids. It's a special time. I didn't realize what I was missing before. There's an energy that explodes from the kids right after school. I see them in a different way than I did at 6 pm after work.

The only thing I have too little of is time alone. I look at this sunrise and remember what it took to crawl out of bed while the kids were sacked out in the motel.... to drive over onto the island ... to wait for the sun. When I started this journaling journey, over a year ago, I created a space to call my own and I created a morning vigil. I trained myself to rise early and have that alone time. Now, even 5 am isn't early enough. I'm really tired. Lily rises almost as early to get ready and catch her school bus by 6:30. Do I go back to the late night? I don't know. I'll need to squeeze something out. I need to feel the rising son in my soul.

Kip, Sergei & Lily at Williamsburg... the weather wasn't very cooperative the first day, but after that, we had two great days at the parks. The best thing at Water Country was Hubba Hubba... but we called it Lazy River, and at Busch Gardens (although a little disappointed in the variety of rides) we enjoyed all the roller coasters. Even Mom took the "plunge" and got on the one with dangling feet (once is enough). Today we're off to the beach. Hurrah!

Just One More

Well, it's all true... we couldn't resist to add one more to our family. May I introduce Pinky Brown. The boys want to add a more macho middle name but for Lily, I guess he'll always be just Pinky. Our shelter dog arrived today and although things went great with all the cats and with Daisy, the Boston Terrier, it's Winston, the old man Pug, who's having some adjustment problems. Tomorrow, we're off to the beach and Mike will be in charge of the transition for Pinky. Lily doesn't want to leave him, but I think everything will be fine. We're looking forward to a great week.

Family Fun & Shelter Dog

It's been one week for Lily as an American. She's been doing really great! I am so proud of her. And today, she really started showing her personality. We were driving to the "Russia House," a store in Northwest Baltimore and I pulled out a nail file to quickly file down a broken nail. Her mouth dropped open, "What you doing? You crazy?" Then she said, "I'm young, I want to live. You old, you want to die, OK, but I young." It was hysterical. I then told her the story of many years ago when Mike and I were going on a long trip south by car (we were without kids at the time). Mike was fast asleep and I was bored on the road, so I had a book in my lap. Yep, I know it's nuts. I wasn't seriously reading... but enough so that Mike woke up and just about about had a coronary. I've never lived that one down. I went ahead and told Lily. She laughed and laughed and then said, "Whoo! Crazy family I have now."

While we did the Baltimore trip, Mike stayed home and made dinner for us. It was great (although Lily is really not eating much yet... in fact, she's eating next to nothing ... a yogurt or hot dog is about all we can get her to eat). Anyway, Mike made grilled salmon, grilled green beans, grilled asparagus, AND grilled okra (gross! - I hate okra) as well as corn on the cob and salad. We were enjoying our meal and Mike kept trying to get someone (anyone) at the table to eat the okra... no takers. Finally, Kip said, "I'll eat one if you give me five bucks!" Mike agreed and then the drama began. He did it! We hooted and then, surprise of all surprises, Lily chimes in, "you give me 5 American dollars to eat one too?" Mike said, "sure!" Then she adds, "how about 6 dollars for me?" We all cracked up! We've got an entrepreneur in the house. Mike said, "you've got a deal" and sure enough, this girl ate an okra spear, grimacing the whole time. We all clapped and cheered. It was so great... just to laugh like that as a whole family.

On another note, when we were coming home from Baltimore, Lily followed up on an earlier conversation we had had about going to visit the local animal shelter. Well, to make a longish story a little shorter, we went to the local shelter and walked the pens. Most of the dogs were really big dogs and she was clearly not interested. At one point, I explained that none of these dogs have families. And in that moment, a deep chord was struck and huge alligator tears rolled down her cheeks. I felt so badly for her. Then, the next moment, we look in a pen, and there's a sweet little fur ball abou the size of peke-a-poo but all peachy and fast asleep. She cried out, "oh, there's my dog... I'll be family for that dog!" It was a genuine connection. So, here's the short of it, the little dog is not available til Tuesday and it's first come first serve. I have explained to her that we might not get this little dog... but if you could see her face, you would understand... it would be perfect for her to have this little rescue. We would love it too.

No Place Like Home

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

When all is said and done, I see very clearly how special and wonderful it is to be back home. I wanted to see my boys and dogs and cats and I wanted to understand my world again. I think about my girl... she's got a lot of hard days ahead. There are very few familiar things to grab onto by her. She's asked to use the computer a bit... to see Russian sites (specifically Tatu, a Russian music group) and she's asked to call her Russian friend who was adopted last year... just to hear Russian, I know. She's holding it together for now.

My heart knows it will be Ok, but unlike me, she can't knock the heels of her slippers together to "get back home again." The hot air balloon gondola is really gone and she's in Oz now to stay. We all pray it will be even better than the "Oz" of her dreams.

Coming Home

God is indeed very very good! Our 3rd ticket has manifested! We are scheduled to fly on Saturday, July 29th. We have met several families along the way and we expect many of them to be on our flight. At the embassy today, there was so much joy... we all know the feelings that flood our hearts ... we have all had difficult journeys of one type or another that has brought us to this moment.

I think about our translator in court who reminded me that all those days and weeks and even hours in court are part of the birthing process... the labor that adoptive parents must work through and endure.

It is well... it is well with my soul.

Getting Out of Dodge

Two tickets confirmed for Saturday - just need one more!

We are in a nice apartment about 20 minutes walk from the Kremlin.
City is buit in cocentric circles. I did not realize that Moscow is
very old... much older than St. Petersburg.. and yet, all I see here
is very modern interiors ... very classy... very metropolitan.

More later... I'm on my PDA in a small café. Kind of a pain 2 type...
how can so many stand texting... 2 slow 4 my brain.

Good News/Bad News

Good News!

We've finished everything here in St. Petersburg. Tomorrow (Tuesday), Lily's international passport will be delivered along with 3 tickets to Moscow to finish the U.S. Embassy side. You would think that would be a snap, but there are still a few hoops to jump through even for the U.S. (sigh) In any event, we have been given the OK to travel home on Friday, the 28th. We are ecstatic... a whole week early... that is, until we got the bad news...

 

The Bad News!

There are no seats available on any Lufthansa flights between Friday and August 3rd. That can't be God! So, get you prayers ready folks, we gotta get the message to the airline that they do indeed have 3 seats for the Brown Family on Friday! I can't imagine the toll on Lily to languish in Moscow. Thanks in advance to everyone! Don't know how accessible a computer will be once we leave St. Petersburg... so keep us in your thoughts... and hopefully the next message you see here will be direct from my PDA .... over the ocean, on our way home!

Hermitage and Tears

From one incredible St. Petersburg sight to another. Today, we did a whirlwind of the Hermitage Museum and Winter Palance. Not only are there paintings, of course, but the rooms themselves are works of art... in some cases, quite gawdy works of art... but truly, it is all beyond a Westerner's ken ... to understand that there were people, actual royalty, who might have turned to one another and said, "let's go home, honey!" Every inch of every room has been touched in some artistic way, from ceiling to floor. For example, in the throne room, the inlaid wooden floor (13 different types of wood) is a exact mirror of the bas relief designs in the ceiling. Amazing. Another room, well, hallway, has over 50 Raphael copies (from the Vatican) of scenes from the bible in order ... on the ceiling... along with every inch of wall is painted in decorative blocks, swirls, and tromp l'oeil.

Afterward, Mike headed to the hotel home while Lily and I had some more girl time window shopping. But, despite the fun we had, when we got back to the hotel and I suggested she call her friend, Irina, to say goodbye, I think it struck Lily in a way it hadn't before. She is really leaving and "goodbye" in English is so permanent and final sounding. It's not "da svidanya" or "auf wiedersehn" that both have a promise of seeing one another again. She broke down and there was little that I could do but give her space, soothe her, stay with her, and let her know that it's all right to cry. She will need to grieve, and this is just beginning.

Peterhof

Here's one of the most amazing parks attached to the Grand Palace of Peter the Great. With over 100 fountains and 400 jets, it is the center of all fountains and all without pumps!

We had a grand time touring the park, with views of the Gulf of Finland and a short excursion through the "cottage" - which only had 30 rooms... small scale for the royalty. It was given to one of the daughters. I haven't quite figured out the lineage... need a family tree cheat sheet. :-)

Tomorrow we go to pick up domestic passport and apply for International one... hope to have a real sense of our schedule for rest of week. Lily goes in and out of sadness and joy... pretty stressful time for her I think. More later.

Domestic Passport Updated

Friday, July 21: Update on Domestic Passport... we were successful with meeting the "chief" and she is more than happy to make sure Lily's domestic passport will be ready on Monday at 1:30 pm. Hurrah! With that, we should have a 24 hour turn-around which means we "should" be in Moscow on Wednesday... If Alex has his ducks in a row there, we could ... maybe, maybe, maybe be home by Friday... please make this priority prayer number one for us as we do not want to "visit" Moscow all weekend (at $350/night)...

All is well. Today was a great day... we had lovely ride on the canals and then went to a Georgian cafe for dinner after a good walk. Tomorrow, we are off to Peterhof and we have invited one of Lily's friends, Valya, from the orphanage (girl with curly hair in the graduation pictures from our first trip). Hope to post some new FlickR pics this weekend.

Have to try the "next" level up tomorrow to get Lily's domestic passport expedited. Let's hope for the best! Everything else went great... have her adoption certificate and new birth certificate. Had fun going CD shopping with Lily while Mike stayed home. Then we went to a great restaurant called the Cafe Art Deco ... highly recommend it to anyone looking for reasonable eats but classy decor. It's 10:30 at night, but it looks and feels like 8 pm ... so hard to get used to these long days.

Introducing Liliana Victoria Brown

These are the people who made all the difference in our court appearance: (from left) Ludmilla, our translator (She was totally familar with the process and was an excellent coach. Her English was impeccable.); Julia, our agency representative (She was calm and steady through the whole process, a strong supporter); Lily (who cried and cried during our first break, about two hours into the proceedings - that should have only taken an hour); me (who had the dubious honor of being the "first speaker" for our family in in front of our judge); Mike (who was like a rock throughout the process); Ludmilla V., the social worker from the agency (She was extremely supportive our petition and even when things got dicey, she spoke and firmly confidently that Lily should come to our family); and finally Grigori, the new orphanage director (His testimony probably had the most impact as he confirmed the importance of children being in a family, no matter the age). God bless them all.

Yesterday, we did not walk into court until 2:30 or so (we were scheduled at 1 pm) and then, did not finish until almost 6 pm (I felt so badly for the family that was scheduled at 2 pm and had to wait for our hearing to end!).

The judge, Svetlana, was very serious and very concerned about every detail. For some reason, she got it into her head that there were too many oddities in our financial statement and began "digging" into it.... sure that we couldn't afford the child. Of course, we can't afford the child, but we have always trusted that God has the plan and He'll provide... which He has done so far. But we couldn't exactly say that to the judge nor could we explain that household expenses can vary from one month to the other. Then, because we had a designation for childcare for Kip, she assumed that he must have some serious issues to require so much money for childcare... we had to explain several times that Kip was in a private school and we had to pay tuition plus the costs of "after care" because I was at work. Eventually, we had to explain the structure of American education system: elementary school, middle school etc. Then she questioned at length whether we thought the boys were friends with Lily from the first time etc.

Towards the end, after a second break in which the judge was giving us "one more chance" to explain some things, she followed up on my comment that the boys were leaders. Then she asked if I thought Lily was a leader. When I said she had "leadership qualities" and named them, she proceeded to read from the school report that said she had no leadership qualities and therefore, it was clear that I didn't really know the girl. It was like that the whole time. It was very difficult not to just explode.

When Mike got up to do his bit, the judge questioned him at length as well, but did not like Mike's style of "storytelling" to make a point.

And all the while, I kept thinking, how would this judge every make an "immediate" decision which would then, effectively, waive the 10-day waiting period? When we got through the worst of it and Lily was brought in for her interview, Lily mentioned a grandparent and an aunt that no longer had contact with her. Oh God, I thought, the social worker had previously said there were no relatives at all. Sure enough, after Lily left, the judge trounced on the social worker. It went badly for another 15 minutes. In the end, because there was no proof on Lily's side that there were any family members, she let it go.

When we requested the immediate decision, the judge glared, but had to ask the others present what they thought. Again, the director, the social worker, even the rep from the medical establishment supported our petition. The judge acquiesced. done. It was a 2-vodka day for me... of course, being a non-drinker, I fell into blissful sleep not long after. :-0

Now, today, we go off to get the paperwork started to change Lily's records and get a passport.
Please keep holding us up. More later.

Court Date Today

Well, we are as ready as we will ever be. We have been thoroughly coached by our representative, Julia, and I have written the 7 minute speech that we must give to present our case to the judge. Our court time is 1 pm, St. Petersburg time, so that's 5 am Eastern Time... it's quite possible the decision has been made by the court by the time you read this today. Julia said that either Mike or I could speak... so Mike looked hopefully at me to do the "honors." I'm OK with that really, but it does make me a little more nervous today.

Julia picked up Lily yesterday and we had a nice evening together. We had a small problem when we discovered we needed pictures to show in court from our last visit here in May. Sometimes, you gotta thank God even for technology! I had my jump drive and we were able to download some of the FlickR pictures to my portable device here at the hotel and Mike found a photo place to print from it. Hurrah for that.

Oh, and my suitcase finally came yesterday evening... or rather, I had to go out to the S.P. airport to pick it up. Unfortunately, the someone had rifled through the bag and one of our intended gifts was stolen. It could have been worse... apparently it was a man since he wasn't interested in any of the jewelry or girly gifts, just the leather wallet.

Today, the last thing we will be asking the judge to do is make an "immediate decision" in our case. If that is done, then the waiting period is waived. That is, of course, our prayer. May my next post introduce to you our new daughter!

We Have Arrived!

We arrived in St. Petersburg, Monday, the 17th around 8 a.m. on the Midnight train from Moscow. The train trip was uneventful besides getting used to sleeping on a sliver of a seat and hearing the toilet flush periodically through the night. :-)

The weather is quite cold (which we didn't expect) and so our little tour in Moscow was brief just because we weren't dressed for it. We did get to walk Red Square however, see the Kremlin, and even placed a coin in the grotto behind the Kremlin that promises our return ... hopefully, next week with our Lily along!

Our most difficult moments actually happened at the Moscow airport. We stood in line at Passport Control for about two hours. A group of Pakistani men in front of us had big problems with their passports. I felt badly for them, really, since it was clearly a racial issue. About an hour into our wait, another planeload arrived (from Italy, I think) and that group turned a simple line into a crowd and somehow, we got pushed back even further. Sigh. Then, when we finally found our way to our luggage... you know the story... one of our bags was missing.... and who's? Mine, of course. So, we filled out the paperwork and they promised our bag will be delivered here to St. Petersburg... but not yet. I may have an excuse to go shopping!

Our rep will be going to the camp tomorrow (Tuesday) to pick up Lily and to bring her to us here at the hotel to spend the night since the court time is early on Wednesday. We have been given a long "cheat sheet" of things to remember to say (and not say)... please do pray for us.

It is very strange to be back in St. Petersburg... we were so cavalier tonight as we went out to find our favorite restaurant that we didn't even bother carrying a map. It's supposed to be cold and rainy here the rest of the week. This may be yet another excuse to go shopping. Ha!

Over the Ocean

We are on our way. We arrived at the airport in Philly , no problem. Thank God, we were earl! Flight was overbooked... we were offered $1200 Euros if we wiuld fly the next day... what does that smack of? Howwmany challenges will we encounter on this trip before we bring this girl home?

Please pray for papers... I messed up & didn't have our 1040 for last year...
I emailed the accontant..hope she can fax it to agency. sigh.

We are sardined into the bavk of the plane. Gentleman next to me is returning to Germany after conference of soil scientists. OK... how many of those have u met? smile

More later... isn't it amazing? Wireless over the ocean!

Russia or Bust...

Well! We've been given the "go-ahead" to leave for Russia on Saturday, July 15th. It's not a perfect set-up, the paperwork hasn't "really" arrived in St. Petersburg, but the Russia rep. was given verbal verification that the "most important piece" - the referral letter - was mailed yesterday. Please keep praying that the letter arrives in time. We may actually leave USA before letter arrives. We will be staying at the same hotel which has some Internet access, so I'll be posting all the news and updates here. Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers and support. We definitely need it. :-)

One More Chance ...

One more chance, one more day... if the paperwork does not come from Moscow on Wed., July 12, then the agency has told us they will have to re-schedule the court date... probably for September. I am heart sick... for the girl... for Lily... I can barely hold back the tears. No, I can't hold back the tears.

What is missing? I have asked the Lord this very question? What piece of this puzzle is still not in place and therefore blocking our way?

Today, I put over 200 miles on my car as I went yet again to Bel Air for notary certifications and then Annapolis for apostiles and then back to Towson for more certifications. Most of the day I was sick to my stomach and fighting a migraine... it felt so heavy, this attack on my body....

This day reminds me of those days, many years ago, when Mike and I were trying to have biological children... every day, a hope and then a disappointment. We had been so sure we were to be parents, to have children... it just never occurred to us that we would be unable to "bear" children. And that's how it feels now... it never occurred to us, when we started this process, that it would be plagued by so many problems, so much waiting, so many weeks and months. Of course, back then, our children did come... in God's time and in God's way... and I know, somehow, this girl, this child of God, will also come ... the situation will work out in a way that we cannot expect or understand now. Gotta trust. I know. Trust.

More waiting... more waiting... more tears....

Knocking on the Gates of Heaven

We are certainly pounding on the gates of heaven this weekend as we confront yet another snag in our adoption process. How can it be? We are so close...

On Tuesday, we will find out for sure if we have the go-ahead to travel on the 15th... we are tentatively scheduled for a court date on the 19th but Lily's papers are hung up somewhere between Moscow and St. Petersburg. No papers.... no court date. If we miss this court date, then the judge, who apparently has a full calendar until the end of month, is going on vacation for the entire month of August. If this happens, then we will be delayed until September.

If Lily comes back to St. Petersburg from camp, she cannot go back to her previous facility but will be transferred to another one. This could actually generate more paperwork, new personnel, etc.

I am trying to remain calm... trying to focus on trusting God. This process is really out of our hands...

Please pray. Luke 18:1-3... persistence... patience... perseverance...

Tone of the Mind

The phrase, "tone of the mind" was coined by Ralph Waldo Emerson while journaling at the age of 23. It brings to my mind an ongoing need I have to identify and articulate my own "tone." Obviously, I am not nearly as profound or deep as Emerson but I discovered today that this phrase captures much of my intent when blogging. I am not an essayist nor do I pretend to be a great authority about any particular topic. If, by writing, however, I can get closer to a true encounter with the deeper places inside of me, then all the better. And perhaps, when I do touch the "tone of my mind," it will ring true to others and "make meaning" for them as well.

Most tones in my mind are not resounding gongs or orchestral masterpieces... this I recognize. But there is something that is driving me to write. There is a sense ... a feeling... a growing desire.

I have often said I think better while talking. That may not really be true as I am often appalled at what I say and often need to think fast for damage control. All the same, I believe I may think better while writing. It forces a clarity upon me that otherwise might get lost in the morass of a mind that is constantly thrumming, changing melodies, and often caught in repetitive cycles. Writing slows me down; talking does not. Writing requires me to "re-think" while talking throws itself on even the most unwilling listeners.

So, that's all. Just wanted to remember that I heard a tone today.

---

On a completely different note [smile], I send a special online hello to Sierra and Branson. Airline seatmates are truly serendipitous when traveling alone. Since becoming a Christian, I am fascinated by these "flash" encounters and oten consider them devinely orchestrated. Sierra, 10, and Branson, 13, will never know how much I enjoyed their conversation on my way to Denver on Saturday. It was fun to hear about their lives and to ovserve their spontaneous enthusiasm for everything. When Branson discovered I had been to New York and acting school, I was really golden. But the really great moment was Sierra turning to me and with total honesty, declaring, "I'd like to be in one of your plays!" Thanks Sierra. Thanks to you both for blessing a stranger with the simple things.

---

And lastly, happy birthday to my brother. It's been a really rough year for him and I pray the next one will hold some true recovery.

Dear Joan Didion

Dear Joan Didion:
This is a brief letter to you... one I will never send, but had to write all the same. I just read your book, "The Year of Magical Thinking" and I want to thank you. It is not because I am a widow, nor do I necessarily think I will be one anytime soon. It's not because I want to be a widow, either. At least, I don't think I do. But I know I just read, rather swallowed, your book in less than 2 days... your life, your words. Thank you for giving me a piece of yourself, like a piece of an oatmeal cookie, broken off and lovingly shared. I know you still have most of it, but the morsel you shared touched me deeply.

I confess, I've never read any of your other books. I will probably try to now. Maybe. I can't even promise that. My reading swings in great swaths. But I am grateful for reading this one. I am grateful for the honesty of it. I am grateful for the gift of yourself through this book. I am moved by the "you-ness." You are a person in time that I now know... fractionally.

You say, "Leis go brown, tectonic plates shift, deep currents move, islands vanish, rooms get forgotten." ... but life moves on. I can confirm, we move on. We face the day. We are born each day from the "womb of the dawn" (Ps 110:3).

Grief and mourning: you experienced them with such great depth. I believe you felt them so because you loved much. There is tremendous power in that kind of love... in that kind of sorrow. It is a branding. I know it, because you shared it through your words and in doing so, you branded me. Thank you.

No Date Yet...

So many have asked... when are you going back to Russia? When are you picking up your daughter? If only we knew. The wires have been silent. Not only that... but Lily is at camp now (along with all the orphanage kids), and we have no contact with her at all. The last time we spoke, June 9th, she was doing great. She was upbeat and confident and secure in her belief that this adoption would really happen.

Oh Lord, continue to give her the strength she needs to sustain her in our time apart. Wrap her in your protection. I could use a little of that myself.

Disappointment as Stalker

My old enemy, Disappointment, came stalking last night and thwacked me pretty good from behind. I should have known better. I should have seen it coming, but instead, all I could see, feel, or touch was the familiar shadow.

I have tried not to fall into the habit of too many dreams and hopes for my kids, but there have been some basics... it just never occurred to me that my kids actually might get failing grades on a regular basis. It never occurred to me. They talk about going to college and playing sports at a Division I school but they don't seem to have a clue about the academic part of the game. In most cases, they simply don't hand in their work.

I want to help, but I don't know how.... apparently. Everything I try, including prayer, seems to fall on deaf ears. I have become the scold, the nag, the "nazi" about school work. It's not who I ever thought I would become.

See, it's the disappointment stalker... ready to stomp on me even now. Oh heck, I hate this feeling but it's so hard to shake.

This morning was a little better. I had a quiet time... spent time reading, contemplating, and meditatiing. But then, one of the kids simply would not get out of bed: last day of school, big test and did he study? Nope.

Well, each day has its worries and I need to move on. I know, I know. Place your expectations on Christ alone. Easier said than done.

Life After Travel

Everyone has been so supportive after our trip. It is wonderful to feel everyone's interest in our adoption journey. Many have asked if we have a follow-up date yet, and the answer is, nope! We continue to be hopeful that our return will happen in July since the norm has been about 6 weeks between trips. Please do pray that is the case for us since our U.S. form I600 which allows us to adopt expires at the end of July ... not good.

Life at home has been hectic. Mike's car officially "died" and today he purchased a "new" one - a 2001 Buick LeSabre. We pray it will be a good car and last us for awhile. The timing appears crummy from our perspective, but perhaps it's all for the best.

Kip is finished with school and will be moving to a public school in the fall. Sergei will finish on Tuesday. It has not been a particularly good year for the boys academically. I'm really at a loss about all that. I thought I was jumping through all the right hoops, but I think I've made more mistakes than good decisions and perhaps even more harm than good, but God can redeem all things. I'm holding on to that.

Today, I reviewed some of my journal entries from last fall. I am sorrowfully amazed at the ephemeral quality of truths uncovered along the way. There was lots of good stuff there... lots of discoveries, but they didn't stay with me. They didn't find root. I am grateful I took the time to write my thoughts, at least they are recoverable and hopefully, can be planted anew.

Unfailing love...

More Pics from St. Petersburg

OK, I think I finally figured out an easy way to share pictures from our trip and of Lily. Please scroll down a little and look at a small block of pictures on the right... this is a "flickR badge" and connects you to the FlickR website. You will probably have to create an account to look at the pictures, but it's free and quite easy to do. Enjoy!

Lily's Room at the Orphanage

Lily's Room at the Orphanage,
originally uploaded by HCPL WebMaster.

Still working on more pics... thought this one was cute of Lily in her room and a poster she made for us.

Home With No Luggage

We arrived home from Berlin/Potsdam via Frankfurt on Thursday evening but our luggage didn't make it. I guess, when we almost missed our flight (our connection time was squeezed by a late arrival) and we raced through the airport but our bags lagged behind. Fortunately, they are due to arrive here by FedEx today.

Our Germany time was simply family time as we acquainted ourselves with Bjoern and Claudia's two children, Lukas (aged 6) and Lydia (pronounced Lyoodia), aged 3. The kids were delightful and clearly bright and creative. My Aunt Gerda was there as well and she, at 68, was avidly practicing her English. We pressed her to come to America next fall for a visit and I think we succeeded if Bjoern comes along. We talked and talked and ate and ate, from a midday sandwich at a local restaurant during a heavy downpour, to "cake and cookies" at a late afternoon tea time, to a hardy dinner at night. I think we gained all of our 5 pounds that day. It was a great time and the best night's sleep!

Now we're adjusting to being home and facing the boys' inevitable, "what's for dinner?" question. As soon as our suitcases arrive, I'll post more pictures.

Other surprises at home included a destroyed license plate from one of the boys "learning to drive" (I won't mention the stop sign's fate), Mike's car in the shop, a malware (software) has hijacked my PC, and the boys are still on "electronic" restrictions. Ah well, systems pretty normal again.

Off to Germany

Well, our time here in Tallinn is coming to a close. Today, we saw the ocean (or maybe it's the bay, I'm not sure), and then Mike went off with Juri and Maur to the Estonian basketball championship game (Tallinn won by one point) and I took Inta to see the Strauss operetta, A Night in Venice. It was in Estonian, so it was a little long for me, but the music was pleasant and the dance ensemble was great. The performance was at the newly renovated Opera Theatre... very beautiful.

Tomorrow, we reconnect with Björn, Claudia, Lukas, Lydia and my aunt on my mother's side, Gerda. It will be wonderful. I do hope my battery will last just one more day.

Language switch!... can I do it? :-)

Sister, my Sister

What does it mean to connect with family so far away? We have seen each other 4 times in 9 years. Before that, I really had no true idea of this woman, 29 years my senior, who shares my father's genes and blood with me. She is a brilliant woman... a chemist by education, she worked at the same lab 60 years... working with pharmaceuticals, throughout the entire Soviet period as well as the freedom time since 1991. She did not retire until she was 79 years old. She is witty and funny and deeply moved by the losses she has experienced as well as the joys of the moment.

Her joy is infectious as she celebrates our times of being reunited. 9 years ago, we met for the first time in Riga when Mike and I made our first adoption trip for our boys. She took a 5 hour train ride from Tallinn to Riga, just to meet me... to meet us. 6 weeks later, Mike and I flew to Tallinn to see her, her extended family, her home, and to take a trip to our father's old farm. At that time, she lived in deep poverty and it was very sobering. Our guilt was palpable... but she never inflicted any of it upon us. She was at peace with the challenges that life brought to her, even the recent loss of her beloved husband, Egon, and the full life they had had together.

In 2000, on a visit to America, paid by another friend (she would not accept an airline ticket from us), she flew one leg of her trip to Maryland to visit us for some days. She marveled so at the "waste" in American living, ("Why do you have a room with nothing in it but a bed?") but she also marveled at the wonders of Washington DC, New York, and even the village life we led.

And now, 2006, Mike and I come again to Tallinn and amazingly enough, it's an adoption related visit. She doesn't really approve of our adopting a Russian girl... for those of us who never knew the oppression of Soviet life, well, I don't think we can comprehend. But, she still understands and respects our desire and our decision to adopt and I think she will accept Lily too. Their life has improved and for that I am grateful... new amenities like hot water, a nice shower, and everything repainted is wonderful to see.

This trip has been a quiet, healing time after the stress of St. Petersburg. I didn't even realize how much stress we were experiencing until we unwound as we walked amidst the beautiful trees and paths and around the ancient city, with its Middle Ages walls, stairs, and tiny shops.

Last night, we went to visit her son's family in Paldiski, a town on the ocean, some 50 minutes drive from Tallinn. The cliffs of Paldiski are absolutely amazing and the water clear from that height. The little 4 year old granddaughter, Liisbet, with her face full of joy and her natural hope for the future, she kept us entertained all evening.

There's also the laughter we all try to communicate together: Inta's son speaks broken English and no Latvian while my sister speaks Latvian and Estonian, but Mike speaks only English and I speak only Latvian and English. There's lots of translating and often, Inta forgets and speaks the wrong language to the wrong person. We look at her blankly and then she knows and has to start over. It reminds me of how insular our American life is ... so unaware of the world of languages around us. We are, perhaps, too proud that we don't make more effort to learn. Even as others learn English, we need to understand that the true nature of a culture is wrapped inside their language.

Oh, my sister, my sister, I grieve too over the loss of the years we could have had, but I thank you for these precious days. It's a thoughtful time and a precious time. I will cherish this time always.

Tallinn = Change of Pace

Arrived in Tallinn around 2:30 pm ... was just wonderful to see my half-sister, Inta. She is 83 and absolutely amazing. We took a walk at 4:15 and didn't get back until 7 pm... we walked the entire time... She did the same thing when we visited her 9 years ago... she can outwalk a camel! She is really extraordinary. Our walk was beautiful... just 3 minutes from her apartment was a lovely wood with birch trees in abundance. In several places, we walked hand-in-hand through rows of birch trees. It so relaxing and felt like true time of recovery after the hectic pace of St. Petersburg.

It's very peculiar typing from an Estonian computer... the keyboard is NOT the same.

All is well ... we will be here about 3 days. Tomorrow we go to the center city and then to the shore. More later.

Da Svidanya

Today, in the middle of a bustling esplanade, we had to say goodbye to our daughter. She said to me over and over again, "Don't cry... please don't cry!" I finally said, "If you don't walk away, I will start crying, really hard!" And of course, the tears welled up pretty good by then. She left and we waved and I thought how wrong it felt that she had to leave us like that and get on the metro by herself and ride the 45 minutes to the orphanage.

They wouldn't even cut Lily loose today until after class once again, we only saw her for about 4 hours. Several times she asked when we would return... we told her the same story ... if all goes well, in a perfect world, it could be as quick as a month... if not, then the normal time is 6 weeks, and anything after that is Russian stubbornness and bureaucracy. Please pray for that perfect world! :-)

One thing that worked out great. We got to see Galina, the director of the teen crisis center where Lily first stayed for a year. And although Galina speaks English a little, she does not speak it or understand it well enough for any kind of deep conversation. As God would have it, the interpreter I met in USA last January appeared at our hotel today ... we chatted for about an hour and in walks Galina for our lunch appointment. We introduced them, invited Irina to have lunch with us too and she willlingly translated the whole time for us! What a blessing.

We also saw the last two of the main cathedrals today, St. Isaacs and the Church of the Resurrection. They are both amazing... there are no words really.

Off to Tallinn tomorrow... a whole new language... time to switch gears.

Graduation

Today, May 25th, is Graduation Day for all Russian children... whether they are graduating from 4th grade or 9th grade or 11th grade... all heard the "final bell" today and celebrated. In first week of June, they will have their "examen" which are short answer tests (includng essay) for all subjects... very grueling and required for final graduation. It was bittersweet today, to watch Lily and her class (about 11 boys and 2 additional girls) graduated. They produced and performed a show that included a TV talk show, commercial and "game show" in which the Director and other administrators had to answer questions about their childhoods.

The children who watched the show were wild and quite "intrigued" by the odd American couple in the back of the auditorium... one with a video camera who moved all over the room "shooting."

Afterward, Lily was able to go with us to the Notary (more of a "paralegal") who registers our documents. Julia, our rep, is planning on submitting our formal request to Moscow on Monday ... very best timetable would be 4 weeks from then.

Then we went shopping for Lily ... jeans, a new purse, a top... she had a blast, we were pooped! We finally ended up at McDonald's for her and then off to the Metro. We walked back to the hotel (got lost on the way) and then relaxed at an Azerbajanian restaurant - great food.

Tomorrow, once again, Lily is prevented from coming to visit us until 3:30 ... so sorry for that, but then, we plan to have dinner with her and her old English teacher.

What a day!

Promises Broken

Plans were made for seeing Lily every day, but already, today did not happen as we had hoped. First of all, her "teachers" said she must stay at the "school" to practice for her graduation exercises tomorrow. She did not speak with us directly, but called our rep, Julia, who said Lily was quite upset. What a disappoint for her... again.

Then, our medicals today lasted not 3 hours but 6.5 hours... lots of standing, waiting, sitting, stripping (waist up), testing, talking... everyone was kind, but bottom line, it was a huge waste of time. They even made Mike do an extra sonogram because they thought he had an enlarged liver.

The psychiatric exam was most interesting only because the doctor stepped out of bounds when he found out I was Latvian American. He asked about 3 political questions about the relationship between Latvians and Russians (not good, btw), and I asked the Lord to help me give the "right" answers. In the end, I think he liked us both and all went well, but it was a bit dicey. We were the first to arrive, but the last to leave... ah well, it's done and we "passed" as healthy! Duh!

Mike and I had dinner at the "Literary Cafe," a historical cafe because it was the last place Pushkin, the famouse Russian writer, was seen alive. He left the cafe to fight a duel and lost. We then walked to the Field of Mars, an eternal flame marking the deaths of World Wars I & II (I think). Then we walked passed the Summer Palace, the Engineers' Palace, and the Russian Museum. We've seen them all... from the outside, always too late to go in. We did manage to get into the Cathedral of the Kazan... a breathtaking cathedral where we placed 5 candles and prayed for our new family among the many beautiful paintings and icons.

Tomorrow is Lily's graduation at Noon and afterward we go to the Notary ... in Russia, this is like an attorney who "registers" our request to the court. So far, so good on that score, at least. Lily has asked to go shopping and McDonalds... we will go to the biggest mall in St. Petersburg (almost 2 blocks long) just to oblige this small request.

Both Mike and I have had a deep calm. Thanks to the prayers of the people!

We're Here - It's Fabulous

Hello everyone. We're here and truly, it's fabulous!

Many of our fears were completely unwarranted in that we have felt very safe and secure while here. The small hotel is lovely and the staff very cooperative and supportive. We even discovered that one of the families we met on an adoption listserv is staying here in the same hotel. This morning, we had breakfast together and shared stories. Later this morning, we ran into each other again at the Ministry of Education and behold, we found the attorney they are using to be the one we considered using in January with the same translator we met in the U.S. as well. It was great to see Irina again.

Last night, we had our first dinner in St. Petersburg at a very good restaurant called "The Idiot." Mike said it was appropriate (har-har), but it's really based on the Doestoesvky novel theme. While there, a young man must of found our efforts to speak Russian funny, because he sent us two complimentary orders of Russian hors d'oeuvres. The server said she had never seen such a thing. We figured it was a good omen.

After our Ministry of Education interview, which went very well this morning, Julia, our agency rep. drove us out to the orphanage. It was pretty depressing... about what I expected. The building is quite old and dilapidated, although you can see several efforts to brighten the halls with student-drawn murals and the like. Finally, that long awaited moment came as Lily came flying down the hallway and into my arms. I was quite tearful, of course... it was so just great to hold her and touch her at last. Off to one side, I saw two of her friends, also crying. After much waiting and talking and meeting with orphanage staff (social worker, medical personnel, and the director), we were approved plus Lily is allowed to spend every day with us from now until we leave Saturday (from Noon or so until 8 pm). We are thrilled. And so, we had several hours alone time with her today including taking her out for pizza and ice cream.

It's been kind of halting with lots of gestures and lots of looking up of words in the dictionary, but it doesn't matter, we are just enjoying our time together.

We have learned that the director AND assistant director of the orphanage are leaving this week and being replaced next week. There is no way to know if this is a good thing or not. If the new director is supportive of adoptions in general, this will help our cause and we could be back in 6 weeks, if not, we could looking at long delay ... even into September. This is a specific need for prayer to all of you.

Well, I'd better close. God bless you all. Thanks to everyone for your prayers. More tomorrow.

T-1 Day for Departure

OK... I'm on "Git 'er Done" mode. Got all my paperwork copied and put in packets, got my passports in "fiflicate" (that' my word for 5 - har har), got most of my clothes laid out on the bed, finished a big project at work - Saturday morning no less, got to go food shopping for boys next, so I'm off and running. While on this track, Mike is doing laundry and picking up our friend Reuel from the airport while the boys are at lacrosse... I think we're gonna make it.... puff, puff.

Yesterday, I was so focused on getting things done at work as well as running more errands to the bank, etc., I forgot to call Lily. I felt terrible as I know these calls are a lifeline for her. Fortunately, our translator is available today so I'll be calling her at 12:30 ... last call before we finally get to see each other. I just can't wait!

Here's a picture of where we'll be staying. I think the woman in the picture is facing the door, sort of. Apparently, it's a little tricky finding the place and then once you find it, you have to know the code to get in. I think it was someone's apartment that was cut up into 3 guest rooms.... sounds like an adventure.

Current temperature in St. Petersburg: 57 degrees; expected high on Monday, 69.... sounds good to me.

Lists Lists Lists

Getting ready to leave for St. Petersburg: lots of details, lots of lists, lots stacks of things to take. We ask for prayers. We're getting many conflicting reports of what to expect. We don't even know how much time we'll have with Lily. We can't even see her until Tuesday night at the earliest. I promised her we'd catch up on two years of missed hugs!

Today, gracious friends from church blessed us with a monetary gift... that was so unexpected, and so appreciated. Several hundred dollars will really help! We have to carry so much cash ... crisp, unfolded bills.... gotta call the bank.

Endless lists keep going through my head: take paper products; take an electrical converter; take extra camera battery; take books. I got a great language book yesterday, so now, in between lacrosse cheering, I'm plowing through "Russian in 10 minutes day"... it's actually helping me make it over the cyrillic alphabet hump.

I'm trying not to be too anxious... still working on that "trust factor," wish I could systematically do what needs to be done, but life is not just about us traveling. I still have to put in my time at work and the boys need my attention of course... I don't want them to feel their lives go on hold just because we're going to Russia. In fact, Sergei's lacrosse team is about two games away from a possible state championship, so you know, there's a lot of energy happening around there.

It's alright. I'm blabbering.... Hello world! Here we come!

Hope to have Internet access ... hope to post pics to FlickR ... hope to keep everyone up to date. Another list... Gifts to take and gifts to bring back. Gotta pack light... oh gad, I'm really bad at that. Make a list. Stick to it. I can do this!

Love and Faithfulness

This has become my mantra: love and faithfulness. God is ... love and faithfulness. Everything is within His love and faithfulness. I can experience His love and faithfulness at any time. His love and faithfulness are always available. Amazing.

Update: We are still on track for departing May 21st. Only addition is that we have been told that we will be required to have medical examinations by 8 Russian doctors and of course, we will have to pay for it: $1500. Unbelievable really. Such a racket! I'm just shaking my head and saying my mantra: love and faithfulness.

These events are out of my control. God knows these things are happening. These events will not jeopardize or prevent the adoption... God is in control of the big picture. God loves ... God is faithful.

I'm turning over the debt to Him. How can I do otherwise? I'm turning this trip/process over to Him. I want this journey to be without terror or worry. I will plan what I can plan and I will trust God for everything else.

Psalms - Round One

I'm on Psalm 115. I've been plodding along, a psalm a day for the last several weeks... no, honestly, months, because I've missed some days along the way. My main goal this time around is to capture a moment... even one verse or word that speaks to my heart. These speakings stay with me, often into the next day as well. I have a journal now for my morning musings and my Psalm truths. That's a good thing... oh, interruption... more later.

St. Petersburg and Trust

OK. It's official. We leave May 21st, have our adoption interview on May 23rd and then get to spend the rest of the week with our daughter, Lily. We won't be able to bring her home ... nope, not this time, but we will trust God that all will go well and we will return in July for our final court appearance and then on to Moscow and home.

Like any difficult birth, I am expecting that once she is home, the pain of this waiting time will be forgotten. I trust God that the timing is all within His will and plan. I give Him full responsibility for everything that happens from this day forward. I trust you Lord.
adoption

To Do... To Be... To Wait

I'm not usually one to follow after popular Christian teachers ... hanging on to every word, buying all the books, CDs etc. However, I did hear a teaching a few days ago by Joyce Meyer and one idea has stuck me pretty deeply.

She maintains that one of the hardest things a person can do is to remain in a difficult situation even though you know you are perfectly capable of escaping or extricating yourself from it ... but you don't, because you also "know in your heart," it's a God thing. It's a "trust" thing. It's trusting God to take care of "you" in that situation. It's huge, really. It's pretty much how Jesus went to the cross... trusting, despite outward appearances, that God was working the plan.

I'm a doer and a fixer. I have been for most of my life. If something gets hard or difficult...I'm in there working the options, working my own plan.

I've got a lot of "difficult" things going right now: the adoption, the boys, the husband, the house, the finances, the job, the yard, the body... just to name a few. I think it's time to check in on my trust quotient ...

A lot of self-help gurus are out there reminding us that we are "human beings" and not "human doings." It's a little corny, but in my case, right now, I think it fits.

It's not that I won't be diligent ... that's part of me too... but the anxiety that I often generate when things go wrong or badly... the added stress when events are out of control and go down the tube... all that, makes me think I need to step out in a renewed place of faith and trust in God, I need to believe He'll take care of it--the situation... and me. I just haven't been doing that consistently... not authentically... not lately.

A lot of times, this "human doing" hasn't been willing to wait. Often, I don't even give God a chance to "do" or work things out His Way. I keep trying to put him on my train schedule... and He's probably walking. More later.

The Vultures Are Watching

To all my prayer warrior friends: Thank you!

God is good and all is well for the Browns again. The crisis was handled by the adoption agency staff in Russia and, in the end, it turned out to be a clerical error that put our agency on "the list." But other agencies remain on the list and I encourage everyone to lift up the many children and families affected by this threat to revoke agency accreditations.

Today, before I knew of the good news, I wanted to find a place to pray for our situation (our home was a bit chaotic this morning), so I went to the water. In fact, I found a new place near my work behind some condos. It's a lovely setting with the trees budding, the grass bright and well manicured, the cove quiet, the water very still, the birds chirping, and the sun radiant. A simple white bench above the water's edge beckoned me... it seemed like the perfect secret place.

When I reached it, however, I was surprised to find a row of vultures, at least 8 or so, at the shoreline. They were watching and waiting. For a moment, I was intimidated by their presence, but then I decided to continue, despite my fears, and to give myself to prayer.

It wasn't long before I realized God had given me this setting, vultures and all, as a symbolic picture of our adoption process. No matter how wonderful and well-intentioned, there will always be vultures waiting for prey. How will we respond?

This morning, as I prayed, the vultures departed, one my one. God scatters the vultures of our lives when we trust Him to do it.

Apparently, Mike and I let down our guard after receiving the news of our travel date last week, but now I see that we must pray without ceasing until Lily is home with us... and beyond. The vultures are still watching and waiting for an opportunity to do harm. By by trusting God ... it won't be today.

How Can This Be?

Just got a posting on one of the listservs for families like us who are working on their adoption process. Apparently there was a Moscow Times article that listed 12 agencies whose accreditations may be revoked! And yes, our agency is on the list. How can this be?

Is this the reason Reuel has been here to prepare me with all his words of trust? Trust God. It is all I can do right now. There is nothing else ... there is no one else. Oh heart, be still. Hold fast to the promises of God. Hold fast to His promise to care for the fatherless.

A Week of News

Best News: He is Risen! Thank God for that or I'd be dead. We had a great Easter with a full table of 16 friends and family.

Next best news: We have a "tentative" date for our first trip to St. Petersburg to pick up our new daughter, May 14th. We accept all prayers and good wishes for this process. It's been a long time coming. If all goes well, we'll be able to bring our little girl (ok, not so little, at 15) home in July.

Good news: We're getting a tax refund.... cool, pays for our first trip tickets.

News: I did my "cereal aisle" workshop this month on "building personal mission" with a group of 15 teenagers. That was very cool and well received.

More News: Our friend Reuel has been visiting us during Holy Week. He is truly a blessing. World for Yeshua

Not such good news: My brother has moved to Denver and he's working again and that's good, but his wife has not moved with him. I guess they are slipping into some kind of unspoken separation. I just hate that for them. Marriage is really hard.

Bad news: My precious sanctuary space has gotten mucked up and disorganized. Other family members started gravitating to it and started leaving their stuff and then, the bills and "office-related" stuff started accumulating and in a short time, it became a maelstrom and became like a beautiful garden taken over by weeds. I'm changing this news!

Damn the Head Cold

I cannot believe how powerful the Head Cold can be. My God it's a brain suck. I am totally wiped out today and I was the same yesterday and all the while, trying to do "business as normal" thing... not very successfully I might add.

Business does not feel normal. I don't really care about anything or to put it bluntly, about anybody. I have several books I could be reading; I have several manuscripts that need my attention; I have a program coming up that needs editing; I have a website that needs developing. And right now, I just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

In a couple of hours, I have to go to a reception to "network." The only reason I'm going to drag myself there is that it's "dinner" - you know, heavy hors d'oeuvres. Is that spelled correctly? I don't care.

One good moment: yesterday, I got to hear Elie Wiesel speak at a luncheon. He was amazing. He talked so eloquently about evil and hate ... how important it is for us remember the acts of evil men and women... the acts of hatred in the history of humankind. Why don't we remember? Why do people continue to brutalize one another in the name of righteousness? Why does evil seem to have the upper hand?

I don't know. In fact, none of us do.

Answered Prayer and More Prayer

I broke my fast this morning with a private communion between God and me. Oh sweet joy of knowing God's faithfulness through these days of fasting and prayer. I am in awe of His goodness.

The agency did call and it's official, they are accredited and they are now fast-tracking our process. Our new Home Study social worker is promising the completed document by the end of next week and so, along with our own updates for the dossier, we should be ready to travel by April. This is our next prayer - that the Ministry of Education in St. Petersburg will view our "request to adopt" favorably and "invite us." Please join us in this prayer.

We spoke with Lily by phone today (as we do each Friday) and her voice, though clouded with a cold, was full of hope and joy. And the other surprise? She received our Christmas gift to her ... one we mailed last November. It was a sweet sign for her.

But most important for me during this process was the discovery of trusting God again... trusting God with our future... with her future.

Fasting and Praying

How many ways are there to knock on the door of God's heart?

Last weekend, I attended our church's women's retreat and asked all the women to pray for our family and our adoption situation. On my return from the weekend I felt like I needed to do some act, some gesture to actively partner with those 180 prayer warriors, and so I decided to initiate a fast. It has been a long time since I have fasted, but this I know, a fast that is not spirit-led is gruesome and pointless. I felt confident that God was in this one and started last Monday, not knowing how long I would continue.

On that same day, my old friend Sandy of last summer had a triple bypass operation. When I went to see her, she looked dreadful and could barely take a breath, but she was compelled to tell me of a vision she saw of me praying prostrate on the floor for ten days and ten nights (this said, without knowing I was fasting). It confirmed my decision to fast and pray.

On Tuesday, I got a phone call saying, unofficially, that our agency is suddenly scheduled to be bumped up to accreditation for next week! And so, I am believing the official news of their accreditation will come on the 10th day of my fast and we will be able to re-start the adoption process for Lily. If the accreditation does not come through for any reason, we will begin an independent adoption through an attorney in Russia... not an easy choice.

Today is day six on clear liquids and all is well. I don't have as much energy as I would like and I'm always cold, but I am trusting God to reveal what is needed, when it is needed. Yes, I believe God is hearing the clamor at "his door."

Sorrow in the Waiting

Things are still not working out with our adoption. It is almost 2 years that we have been in this process with one setback after another. I have cried out to God to break the chains of bureaucracy and cultural distrust, but so far, to no avail. Oh heart.

Most of all, I grieve for her... for Lily. Each week, when we speak (through an interpreter), she asks, "Any news yet?" "Please, no more bad news," she cries. "Will this ever happen, really? Tell me the truth," she declares, "I have one foot in the United States and one foot in Russia and I cannot bear it." Oh sweet Lily. Sweet girl, I am so sorry.

Last week, I cried on the phone and she chastised me. "You must be strong, Irmiya (for it is Lily that coined that name for me). If you are not strong, then I hurt even more." And so, each week, I try to find something positive, something full of hope, some lighthearted story about our dogs or cats or even something silly about me or Mike. She got a big kick out of my story about backing out of the garage and annihilating my sideview mirror. (Of course, Mike didn't think it was all that funny, $400 later.)

Anyway, if you're reading, then pray. Our current hurdle: the local adoption agency is refusing to "update" our home study because our current "placing agency" from out of state is still not accredited. (Soon, they say, accreditation soon... for months it's been their chorus.) If the local agency won't update, we might be in a position of having to start all over again. More time and more time and more money and more money. We are starting looking at other possibilities ... even trying a private adoption, but there are no guarantees there either. So, right now, let's just face this one problem: get the home study updated. Then, decide what to do next.

I've been reading the psalms. They are truly amazing. One (maybe two) per day during my quiet time. It's astounding how there is always a line or two that captures the heart of a feeling, a concern, a fear, a yearning. Over the weekend, Psalm 74:19, 22, "Do not hand over the life of your dove to beasts... Rise up, O God, and defend your cause." Oh Lord, have mercy on your little turtledove, Lily. Have mercy and grant the desires of her heart to come to America. Sustain her hope in midst of waiting... and ours.

Consecration by Fire

Our church has erected a new sanctuary, but unlike any building most of us have ever seen. It's a "sprung" building, similar to the one linked here. The building has been dubbed "The Tent" which is not bad and certainly better than some other things that come to mind when looking at its shape. ;-)

As part of preparing to move into the facility, interested church members were asked to submit a 250 word devotional which will be put together into a booklet for each family to share in the 40 days prior to our grand opening.

This opportunity to write led me to think again about consecration and fire. The piece I wrote turned into a 2-parter and through this writing, I was reminded of the absolute necessity to walk through "fire," in whatever form that fire might take. This fire might be tribulations or pain or sorrow or loss, but it is the stuff that refines the heart. We often want to insulate ourselves away from adversity and pain, but whether we are able put off our trials of today for another time or not, we will face the fire sooner or later. Like a clay pot that must be fired for its true beauty to be revealed, so too, must we experience and allow fire to reveal our own inner strength and beauty ... the God-given part that comes from within.

Exodus 40:34-38

Pilates and me

Just feeling invigorated by my new Pilates class. What's amazing is to realize that we were learning "pilates" in acting school 30 years ago in New York. It must have been so new & trendy then that it didn't have a name. If I only could have guessed, I could be a Pilates guru now. My apologies to Bobby Troka and all the other movement/body folks who kept trying to convince us that this body work was the wave of the future. Ah well.

Nonethess, it's pretty cool to still be able to do many of the moves and to keep up with the "gen-ys" in the class. I bought a mat tonight on the way home from class and hope

It's a good thing because I needed this. I've been so tired of being sick the last week or so and generally feeling crummy. I've never been very good about "rising above" my illnesses. I can't even fathom how folks with serious diseases are able to maintain their good humor and face each day with hope. Of course, they say, human beings tend to rise to the need. God bless 'em. Perhaps part of my down feelings were "me" giving myself permission to slow down and "do nothing." I've never been good at that either.

I don't like that driven feeling at all and yet, like white noise, it hovers about me pretty regularly. Well, awareness is part of the healing. And I think, body awareness is too.

Three challenges are on my plate besides the regular stuff (work, home, kid etc.):
1) Write a meditation on "consecration" for a brochure that will be distributed to our church in February.
2) Present my workshop: Navigating the Cereal Aisle of Life, How to Build a Personal Mission Statemnt next week.
3) Write & rehearse (along with a young woman) 4 vignettes for a woman's retreat end of February.

Take a breath, breathe out slowly. All will be well.

Rituals and Routine

Yesterday was a blessed day as I slowly wound my way back into creative work and routine.

I started a Pilates class which was great and really energized me. And although I have been fairly faithful (not while I was out of town, ok, I know) about working out, it was great to embrace something new into my routine.

Mike read my manuscript and that was scarey because he can be disparaging sometimes, but I think he was much more open this time since I had read his screenplay (1/2 done) while we were in Nebraska and because of Brenda Ueland, I was able to give him lots of praise and encouragement. It's what he needed. It's what I needed. Gosh, something actually worked between us for a change.

I spent a lot of time in my space yesterday and it just glowed and glimmered throughout the day. The weather was gloomy outside, but the many candles and soft lights in my sanctuary made it feel very womb-like. I had prayer time and writing time and just sitting or sleeping time.

Although I didn't sleep well last night, still struggling with a chest cold, I woke early enough to begin my day with prayer and get the boys off to their first school day after break without a battle, and I put in a full day at work.

It's still pretty early and already, I have put in my requisite 300 words on my manuscript and I have accepted another gig - to write/produce/perform 4 short dramatic vignettes in late February at a women's retreat. I hope that wasn't a mistake, but it felt right to say yes.

One last thing to share... Sunday night, during the evening service, a masked gunman came into the sanctuary of our church and robbed the people there, forcing children to walk up and down the aisle collecting wallets and purses. I'm glad I missed it. What a travesty. What will that mean for other churches in the area? What will it mean for us?

Hiatus and More Beginnings

Two months. I can't believe I haven't written here since October. But I know the reason, really. I have not been able to split my energies to include the blog. Even today, I am torn with other responsibilities and desires. I need to prepare for my "personal mission" workshop that's coming up in a few short weeks, I need to return to my manuscript (which came to a screeching halt in the face of the holidays and preparations for my problem-solving/creative thinking workshop in December) and I have "the bills" which appear to have a little gremlin perched above them who screeches obscenities at me for not paying "the bills" before the New Year. ("You'll be sorry," it squeals, "you didn't pay your bills by the New Year, you'll be poor all year long!" - ah yes, I remember now, that was my mother who always said that.)

And yet, despite the cacophony, this New Year heralds sweet promises. Historically, New Year's Day hasn't meant much, I prefer my birthday as a time marker, but 2006 feels full of change and wonder. All right, I confess, I do have a few little rituals like wearing something new on New Year's Day (today it's pink socks) and having money in my wallet; and Mike has always insisted we eat black-eyed peas and spinach, so I've gotten sucked into that one after 20 years as well. I also make a few standard resolutions for improvement: the perennial diet, the unread classics, the unorganized desk, the unpainted bathroom (or bedroom, or closet - there's always something that needs to be painted) etc.

But truly, there's a hopefulness in this year that I haven't had in a long time. Perhaps it's because I sense big changes are coming. Perhaps it's because I believe in my mission and I'm actively pursuing it. I don't know. But I am back and I want to tackle the challenge of chronicling this time of creativity as best I can.

Here's my latest read: If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland, original copyright 1936. It's awesome. Oh, that I would have had such a mentor to spark my writing, my desires, my heart. Oh, that I could become more like her and spark the hearts of others. I can. I will.