Dear Joan Didion:
This is a brief letter to you... one I will never send, but had to write all the same. I just read your book, "The Year of Magical Thinking" and I want to thank you. It is not because I am a widow, nor do I necessarily think I will be one anytime soon. It's not because I want to be a widow, either. At least, I don't think I do. But I know I just read, rather swallowed, your book in less than 2 days... your life, your words. Thank you for giving me a piece of yourself, like a piece of an oatmeal cookie, broken off and lovingly shared. I know you still have most of it, but the morsel you shared touched me deeply.
I confess, I've never read any of your other books. I will probably try to now. Maybe. I can't even promise that. My reading swings in great swaths. But I am grateful for reading this one. I am grateful for the honesty of it. I am grateful for the gift of yourself through this book. I am moved by the "you-ness." You are a person in time that I now know... fractionally.
You say, "Leis go brown, tectonic plates shift, deep currents move, islands vanish, rooms get forgotten." ... but life moves on. I can confirm, we move on. We face the day. We are born each day from the "womb of the dawn" (Ps 110:3).
Grief and mourning: you experienced them with such great depth. I believe you felt them so because you loved much. There is tremendous power in that kind of love... in that kind of sorrow. It is a branding. I know it, because you shared it through your words and in doing so, you branded me. Thank you.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
No Date Yet...
So many have asked... when are you going back to Russia? When are you picking up your daughter? If only we knew. The wires have been silent. Not only that... but Lily is at camp now (along with all the orphanage kids), and we have no contact with her at all. The last time we spoke, June 9th, she was doing great. She was upbeat and confident and secure in her belief that this adoption would really happen.
Oh Lord, continue to give her the strength she needs to sustain her in our time apart. Wrap her in your protection. I could use a little of that myself.
Oh Lord, continue to give her the strength she needs to sustain her in our time apart. Wrap her in your protection. I could use a little of that myself.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Disappointment as Stalker
My old enemy, Disappointment, came stalking last night and thwacked me pretty good from behind. I should have known better. I should have seen it coming, but instead, all I could see, feel, or touch was the familiar shadow.
I have tried not to fall into the habit of too many dreams and hopes for my kids, but there have been some basics... it just never occurred to me that my kids actually might get failing grades on a regular basis. It never occurred to me. They talk about going to college and playing sports at a Division I school but they don't seem to have a clue about the academic part of the game. In most cases, they simply don't hand in their work.
I want to help, but I don't know how.... apparently. Everything I try, including prayer, seems to fall on deaf ears. I have become the scold, the nag, the "nazi" about school work. It's not who I ever thought I would become.
See, it's the disappointment stalker... ready to stomp on me even now. Oh heck, I hate this feeling but it's so hard to shake.
This morning was a little better. I had a quiet time... spent time reading, contemplating, and meditatiing. But then, one of the kids simply would not get out of bed: last day of school, big test and did he study? Nope.
Well, each day has its worries and I need to move on. I know, I know. Place your expectations on Christ alone. Easier said than done.
I have tried not to fall into the habit of too many dreams and hopes for my kids, but there have been some basics... it just never occurred to me that my kids actually might get failing grades on a regular basis. It never occurred to me. They talk about going to college and playing sports at a Division I school but they don't seem to have a clue about the academic part of the game. In most cases, they simply don't hand in their work.
I want to help, but I don't know how.... apparently. Everything I try, including prayer, seems to fall on deaf ears. I have become the scold, the nag, the "nazi" about school work. It's not who I ever thought I would become.
See, it's the disappointment stalker... ready to stomp on me even now. Oh heck, I hate this feeling but it's so hard to shake.
This morning was a little better. I had a quiet time... spent time reading, contemplating, and meditatiing. But then, one of the kids simply would not get out of bed: last day of school, big test and did he study? Nope.
Well, each day has its worries and I need to move on. I know, I know. Place your expectations on Christ alone. Easier said than done.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Life After Travel
Everyone has been so supportive after our trip. It is wonderful to feel everyone's interest in our adoption journey. Many have asked if we have a follow-up date yet, and the answer is, nope! We continue to be hopeful that our return will happen in July since the norm has been about 6 weeks between trips. Please do pray that is the case for us since our U.S. form I600 which allows us to adopt expires at the end of July ... not good.
Life at home has been hectic. Mike's car officially "died" and today he purchased a "new" one - a 2001 Buick LeSabre. We pray it will be a good car and last us for awhile. The timing appears crummy from our perspective, but perhaps it's all for the best.
Kip is finished with school and will be moving to a public school in the fall. Sergei will finish on Tuesday. It has not been a particularly good year for the boys academically. I'm really at a loss about all that. I thought I was jumping through all the right hoops, but I think I've made more mistakes than good decisions and perhaps even more harm than good, but God can redeem all things. I'm holding on to that.
Today, I reviewed some of my journal entries from last fall. I am sorrowfully amazed at the ephemeral quality of truths uncovered along the way. There was lots of good stuff there... lots of discoveries, but they didn't stay with me. They didn't find root. I am grateful I took the time to write my thoughts, at least they are recoverable and hopefully, can be planted anew.
Unfailing love...
Life at home has been hectic. Mike's car officially "died" and today he purchased a "new" one - a 2001 Buick LeSabre. We pray it will be a good car and last us for awhile. The timing appears crummy from our perspective, but perhaps it's all for the best.
Kip is finished with school and will be moving to a public school in the fall. Sergei will finish on Tuesday. It has not been a particularly good year for the boys academically. I'm really at a loss about all that. I thought I was jumping through all the right hoops, but I think I've made more mistakes than good decisions and perhaps even more harm than good, but God can redeem all things. I'm holding on to that.
Today, I reviewed some of my journal entries from last fall. I am sorrowfully amazed at the ephemeral quality of truths uncovered along the way. There was lots of good stuff there... lots of discoveries, but they didn't stay with me. They didn't find root. I am grateful I took the time to write my thoughts, at least they are recoverable and hopefully, can be planted anew.
Unfailing love...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
More Pics from St. Petersburg
OK, I think I finally figured out an easy way to share pictures from our trip and of Lily. Please scroll down a little and look at a small block of pictures on the right... this is a "flickR badge" and connects you to the FlickR website. You will probably have to create an account to look at the pictures, but it's free and quite easy to do. Enjoy!
Lily's Room at the Orphanage
Still working on more pics... thought this one was cute of Lily in her room and a poster she made for us.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Home With No Luggage
We arrived home from Berlin/Potsdam via Frankfurt on Thursday evening but our luggage didn't make it. I guess, when we almost missed our flight (our connection time was squeezed by a late arrival) and we raced through the airport but our bags lagged behind. Fortunately, they are due to arrive here by FedEx today.
Our Germany time was simply family time as we acquainted ourselves with Bjoern and Claudia's 
two children, Lukas (aged 6) and Lydia (pronounced Lyoodia), aged 3. The kids were delightful and clearly bright and creative. My Aunt Gerda was there as well and she, at 68, was avidly practicing her English. 
We pressed her to come to America next fall for a visit and I think we succeeded if Bjoern comes along. We talked and talked and ate and ate, from a midday sandwich at a local restaurant during a heavy downpour, to "cake and cookies" at a late afternoon tea time, to a hardy dinner at night. I think we gained all of our 5 pounds that day. It was a great time and the best night's sleep!
Now we're adjusting to being home and facing the boys' inevitable, "what's for dinner?" question. As soon as our suitcases arrive, I'll post more pictures.
Other surprises at home included a destroyed license plate from one of the boys "learning to drive" (I won't mention the stop sign's fate), Mike's car in the shop, a malware (software) has hijacked my PC, and the boys are still on "electronic" restrictions. Ah well, systems pretty normal again.
Our Germany time was simply family time as we acquainted ourselves with Bjoern and Claudia's 
two children, Lukas (aged 6) and Lydia (pronounced Lyoodia), aged 3. The kids were delightful and clearly bright and creative. My Aunt Gerda was there as well and she, at 68, was avidly practicing her English. 
We pressed her to come to America next fall for a visit and I think we succeeded if Bjoern comes along. We talked and talked and ate and ate, from a midday sandwich at a local restaurant during a heavy downpour, to "cake and cookies" at a late afternoon tea time, to a hardy dinner at night. I think we gained all of our 5 pounds that day. It was a great time and the best night's sleep!Now we're adjusting to being home and facing the boys' inevitable, "what's for dinner?" question. As soon as our suitcases arrive, I'll post more pictures.
Other surprises at home included a destroyed license plate from one of the boys "learning to drive" (I won't mention the stop sign's fate), Mike's car in the shop, a malware (software) has hijacked my PC, and the boys are still on "electronic" restrictions. Ah well, systems pretty normal again.
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