Fasting in Midst of It

I haven't fasted for awhile but felt called last week to get on it. I was worried at first that I was just fasting because I secretly wanted to lose a whole bunch of weight. There, I've said it. But fortunately, during the first three days, I wasn't miserable which is usually a sign for me that God has got my back. Yay God.

This all started because of my other blog, where I am much more regimented and reliable, Meditations from Zion, where I post almost daily as part of my devotional practice. I am doing a very slow walk through the New Testament and responding to verses that capture my imagination. I'm into my third year and I've only reached Ephesians. Anyway, it was somewhere in the 4th chapter that I started feeling uncomfortable with my relationship with the Holy Spirit. And by the time I got to verses 29 and 30 where it talks about "Grieving the Holy Spirit," I was downright despondent.

My quick mouth and harsh words are out of control, just like my eating and just about every other way I relate to my 3D world. The fast was the only way I could think to slow things down. But truly, what I really need is a silent retreat alone or maybe a dose of the All Saints Convent where they give regular folks a place to be quiet. I used to go there all the time. I'm kind of sad I've lost that habit. (mildly funny choice of word there)

All right, so here I am at Day 6 of my fast and I can't say I have a lot to show for it. I've tried to rein in my talking and that's been only slightly successful (at least I didn't blow up at some of the things my teenagers have been saying to me . . . or not saying). And perhaps I haven't zinged anyone or shared any delicious gossip. But truly, have my words been a balm to anyone? That would be the goal.

I think I'm spending too much time in my daily routine with the addition of not eating. That's not how it's supposed to go. Tomorrow I have to work, so I can't do much there. And in the evening, I have to attend a reception and watch everyone eat and drink and try NOT to engage anyone in the "you're what? you're fasting? Why?" etc. But perhaps on Sunday I could do a little road trip just to get away from everything. Take my journal and my heart and look for the God of my heart.

Because that is the point. I think my every day life has done a really good job of clouding my reach inside. My spirit/soul self has one life and my outer self is living another life altogether. We need to merge, connect, create a network, get on Facebook . . . something! We hardly know each other. It's time.

Returning to the Fire

I'm not sure how to get myself back to the conversation I started here with myself. I have put so much energy into the Meditations and Library Looney, that I haven't felt as compelled to write here. I remember thinking that each blog would fill a particular writing need . . . where is that place today? Where is the fire?

There is the writing process itself. I don't have much of a forum for that. I also don't know much, stumbling along from day to day. I keep churning out words. It's humiliating sometimes. But I am determined to keep writing. That has to be the biggest hurdle of all.

Where else is there fire?

There is a deep refining process going on now our children who have reached their late teens. These years are proving much more difficult than I expected, particularly with one kid unstable emotionally, one unpredictably pushing at the envelope of the law, and the other choosing a non-academic future. Their roads feel long and filled with rocks and potholes. I want to go out there and smooth the way, but there is less and less I can do. Can I allow them to just be? Can I allow them to fall and fail? I may have no choice. That's not the way I thought things would go. I'm fighting the disappointment cloud that loves to hang over my head.

And lastly, there is the fire that is my struggle with church. Do we stay where we have been for twenty years or more? What should keep us there? Where else? There is no emergent group nearby. There is no Renovare group nearby. There is just more church. A friend challenged me to consider non-affiliating all together, to take more of a "God journey" that would be built on relationships and then see what might happen from there. If it was just me, I might be able to try it, but what do these teens of mine need? What does Mike want? I don't know. I just don't know. Lots of questions with few answers.

Oh yeah, there's plenty of fire. There's also plenty of dross.

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Hi irmgardebrown,

I'm just getting started and moving my reads to this site. How do you like it?

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- Irmbrown

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