Just posted a comment on a stranger's blog because she was wondering if she should tell her current boyfriend that she blogs. Most of her readers commented with a "no" ... and then it hit me. As more people know that I blog here - the less free I feel to write what I really think or believe or experience. That's not good! It's a conundrum.
It must go back to the arbitrary cubicles we create in our lives. This part of my life is private, this part is not. This part is full of pain, this part is not. This part holds my current angst... oh Lord, can I write about that? What if ... what if... he reads it or she reads it? The only solution is to go back to total anonymity ... to start over, that is, in order to have total freedom in my writing. Don't name names... re-work situations to keep everyone safe, etc. Crap, crap, crap!
I'm reminded of The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing. It's been years since I read that book and perhaps, I'd view it differently today (probably need to re-read it) ... but the part I remember was her way of writing about the various aspects of her world in different journals(differentiated by color as I recall) ... I even remember trying it once... buying a variety of journals, thinking I would write categorically about my life. It sounded good in concept and yet I couldn't maintain it. The categories didn't seem so clear once I actually sat down to write.
And yet, there's something of this problem in blogging. This is my inaugural blog and it is still the closest one to a personal journal or journey. It started on the spiritual side, but then got interwoven in our adoption of Lily. When our daughter finally arrived, I wanted to be honest about our transition period, but I was counseled against it (for her safety) and for any resentments or hurts she might experience if she ever read about my rollercoaster feelings.
In the end, my writing dropped dramatically this year because I no longer felt safe in my previous anonymity. It's a paradox: I write to be known and yet I don't want to be known by those who know me (or think they know me). And yet, don't we write to be read? Don't we blog for the same reason?
2 comments:
Blogging is a two edged sword for certain; especially if you bear your innermost thoughts and feelings. I don’t ever blog about struggles I may have with particular people but sometimes my wrestling with various topics or my exploring the boundaries of my Christian faith can sometimes make some people I know uncomfortable.
But at the same time, I do want to be known; I want people to read it and connect with them as we share our journeys together. I think that is the positive side of blogging; but I can understand the conundrum around anonymity- in some ways being someone no one knows in cyber space makes it safer to really to be yourself.
I do think there comes a point though that you take that risk and be yourself anyway. I think this way you only censor yourself on occasions to protect others more than protect yourself. Even still, I think most people understand that blogs and journals represent steps on a journey and not any final destination. Though it is true our words seem some how permanent when we write them down, a fair minded person will understand that they only represent one moment in our journey.
Peace,
James
Thanks for your thoughts. I couldn't agree with you more.
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