Returning to the Fire

I'm not sure how to get myself back to the conversation I started here with myself. I have put so much energy into the Meditations and Library Looney, that I haven't felt as compelled to write here. I remember thinking that each blog would fill a particular writing need . . . where is that place today? Where is the fire?

There is the writing process itself. I don't have much of a forum for that. I also don't know much, stumbling along from day to day. I keep churning out words. It's humiliating sometimes. But I am determined to keep writing. That has to be the biggest hurdle of all.

Where else is there fire?

There is a deep refining process going on now our children who have reached their late teens. These years are proving much more difficult than I expected, particularly with one kid unstable emotionally, one unpredictably pushing at the envelope of the law, and the other choosing a non-academic future. Their roads feel long and filled with rocks and potholes. I want to go out there and smooth the way, but there is less and less I can do. Can I allow them to just be? Can I allow them to fall and fail? I may have no choice. That's not the way I thought things would go. I'm fighting the disappointment cloud that loves to hang over my head.

And lastly, there is the fire that is my struggle with church. Do we stay where we have been for twenty years or more? What should keep us there? Where else? There is no emergent group nearby. There is no Renovare group nearby. There is just more church. A friend challenged me to consider non-affiliating all together, to take more of a "God journey" that would be built on relationships and then see what might happen from there. If it was just me, I might be able to try it, but what do these teens of mine need? What does Mike want? I don't know. I just don't know. Lots of questions with few answers.

Oh yeah, there's plenty of fire. There's also plenty of dross.