Only By His Sacrifice

This slideshow was put together originally for a women's retreat, but the images were so powerful I wanted to share them. Special thanks goes to Jacques Lilavois who I discovered on the web and who gave me permission to use his beautiful song, By Your Mercy. I'm still learning about Animoto, so I may re-work the kinks. But it's a pretty good start. Hope this touches you as it has touched me working on it.

Why Aren't We Praying?

Here's the topic I think... it's somehow connected with this urgency I felt last week to investigate further the 'praying of the psalms.' And then, within days, Craig came and asked if I would do the sermon on the 29th-30th weekend.

I'm in the collecting stage. I don't have much time... I know so much has been written and said about prayer... Lord... what do you have to say this day... this week?

Praying about praying. That's pretty funny.

Empire - Alternate Future and Now

Just want to thank Orson Scott Card for his book, Empire.

On a whim, I grabbed this title as an audio book from our library. At first, I thought I was going to be doused with a particularly strong right-wing political/cultural point-of-view through his main character, Reuben... only to have that character die about 1/2 way through the book and left his "left-wing" wife to carry on as his widow. OK.... that got my attention. :-)

I wanted to race through the book ... but that's not possible since I can't "race" through a talking book ... anyway, I was pleasantly surprised to discover an Afterword in Card's own voice espousing his views on the polarization of America and how difficult it is to straddle (or dwell between) any of those "camps."

" ... any rational observer has to see that the Left and Right in America are screaming the most vile accusations at each other all the time. We are fully polarized -- if you accept one idea that sounds like it belongs to either the blue or the red, you are assumed -- nay, required -- to espouse the entire rest of the package, even though there is no reason why supporting the war against terrorism should imply you're in favor of banning all abortions and against restricting the availability of firearms; no reason why being in favor of keeping government-imposed limits on the free market should imply you also are in favor of giving legal status to homosexual couples and against building nuclear reactors. These issues are not remotely related, and yet if you hold any of one group's views, you are hated by the other group as if you believed them all; and if you hold most of one group's views, but not all, you are treated as if you were a traitor for deviating even slightly from the party line. " Read more.

These extremes haunt me in my own church and work life where assumptions are made every day about my "political party" (even though I insist on being called an Independent) and my "world view. " Example: One Sunday morning a kind-hearted soul had the temerity to describe a man he met as being a "Liberal" and an "Environmentalist" - as though these were really good examples of how far the man had strayed from the truth ... and apparently, into sin. For heaven's sake!

I am also a librarian... free speech! Free to read! All of that. And yep, I've read all the Harry Potter books, so there! I believe in free will. But I also wouldn't put American Psycho in a library if I could help it and I'm glad our computers are filtered (particularly after a man actually "licked" one of our computers while watching pornography).

I am a strong believer... Jesus Christ is my rock and my anchor. I love to worship and I enjoy contemporary Christian music. I also like jazz.... and even, on occasion, some R&B.

I'm a techie and a blogger and I even have a presence on Second Life.... these are connections and social networks I enjoy building. But these elements of "me" are also experiencing a certain type of tension. After all, who will read what I write? Who is my audience?

As a result, I feel I must constantly modulate my faith, my language, and even my point of view around the extremes of my colleagues at work as well as my faith family. I must prove that I am still "ok" - that I am normal or faithful or whatever phrase gives comfort to my circles of influence.

So, I'll just say it again, I appreciate Orson Scott Card's voice. It's not that I agree with all things Card either... we would definitely separate on our beliefs in the deity of Christ (Card holds fast to the Mormon teachings... )... but I will say, I believe I can give him room there knowing that he would do the same for me.

Pressures of Time

I am maintaining too many blogs! Most of the rest are about topics of interest or for library work, but this is my heart and I am setting my heart aside too often. Ah well, tomorrow great niece, Jaana, comes from Estonia and we will show her all the "stuff" - from DC to NYC to the ocean... it's tourist time.

Tomorrow afternoon we celebrate Lily's first Gotcha Day! Hard to believe she's been here a year. We are opening our doors to neighbors and friends to drop by... it means so much to her, I do hope people will come.

And I'm doing an Emmaus weekend... what was I thinking to work on a team this fall with our Africa mission trip right behind it? Well, Lord, you're the commissioner. I'm trusting in each of these commissions... but keep my mind clear, my heart pure, and my temper in check! :-)

To be Known or Not Known

Just posted a comment on a stranger's blog because she was wondering if she should tell her current boyfriend that she blogs. Most of her readers commented with a "no" ... and then it hit me. As more people know that I blog here - the less free I feel to write what I really think or believe or experience. That's not good! It's a conundrum.

It must go back to the arbitrary cubicles we create in our lives. This part of my life is private, this part is not. This part is full of pain, this part is not. This part holds my current angst... oh Lord, can I write about that? What if ... what if... he reads it or she reads it? The only solution is to go back to total anonymity ... to start over, that is, in order to have total freedom in my writing. Don't name names... re-work situations to keep everyone safe, etc. Crap, crap, crap!

I'm reminded of The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing. It's been years since I read that book and perhaps, I'd view it differently today (probably need to re-read it) ... but the part I remember was her way of writing about the various aspects of her world in different journals(differentiated by color as I recall) ... I even remember trying it once... buying a variety of journals, thinking I would write categorically about my life. It sounded good in concept and yet I couldn't maintain it. The categories didn't seem so clear once I actually sat down to write.

And yet, there's something of this problem in blogging. This is my inaugural blog and it is still the closest one to a personal journal or journey. It started on the spiritual side, but then got interwoven in our adoption of Lily. When our daughter finally arrived, I wanted to be honest about our transition period, but I was counseled against it (for her safety) and for any resentments or hurts she might experience if she ever read about my rollercoaster feelings.

In the end, my writing dropped dramatically this year because I no longer felt safe in my previous anonymity. It's a paradox: I write to be known and yet I don't want to be known by those who know me (or think they know me). And yet, don't we write to be read? Don't we blog for the same reason?

Remembering Yoki

Tuesday night, May 15, 2007, Yolanda King died. Mike called me with the news Wednesday morning and I was stunned. How could this be? She's younger than me.

Yoki lived in the limelight as well as the shadow of an amazing father. During the 3 years I knew her in graduate school, she tried not to capitalize on her notoriety. She was kind and gentle and thoughtful and above all else, she wanted to be liked for herself, not for her position in the Black society of the early 70's. She wanted a career in the theatre and for this reason, she placed herself in one of the most rigorous acting programs of that time. We were there in the years of Peter Kass and Olympia Dukakis.

I remember our tears in acting class as we tried to find our individual "truths." I remember when it was just Yoki, Bil, Claire, and Roy. Looking back, I can see we were just five very dysfunctional friends trying to "make meaning" by mashing up modern dance, poetry, and theatre. We were pretty darn interesting despite all the craziness. I remember the gospel music. I remember going to Harlem churches with Yoki... a much different experience than going to Harlem alone. I remember going to Atlanta for a summer residency at the King Center and meeting the extended King family of sister, brothers, uncles & aunts. I remember Ebenezer Baptist Church. I remember sunbathing in Coretta Scott King's backyard (what was I thinking?). I remember the house: a museum to Dr. King ... every inch of wall space covered with pictures of him and his family, friends, and political contacts. I remember seeing his Nobel Peace prize.

I remember Yoki's apartment on 8th street. I remember her kitten falling out of the window. I remember her diets. I remember the times we would hang out at Lady Astor's. I remember the rehearsals ... endless rehearals on one of Bil's pieces. I remember the parties. I remember celebrating my baptism. I remember celebrating her birthday. I remember dressing up. I remember her beautiful, sensuous lips. I remember her confusion as she struggled with the demands of her heritage.

I remember Mrs. King coming to our graduation ceremony in Washington Square. Yoki arranged it so my own mother and brother could sit with Mrs. King. It was a high point for my mother ... and for me.... to have my graduation pictures sprinkled with the King family. Mrs. King was one of the most gracious women I have ever met. She taught her daughters to be the same.

I remember the last time I saw Yoki, many years later, when she came to Maryland on a Black History month whirlwind. I met her latest boyfriend and she met my husband. We talked about the old days over dinner. And then, like a throwback, the tires of her rental car were slashed so we had to take them to the airport. Some things never seem to change.

Over the years, I have always received Christmas cards and announcements from Yoki, but of course, I was no longer on her truly personal list and most of the correspondence was done by her staff. All the same, I counted her friend for three intense years of my life.

May God give peace to your soul, Yoki, old friend.

Meditations and Other Disciplines

As a gift to my church, I have created another blog: Meditations from Zion... this blog, for now, is a daily scripture, as selected by our pastor for contemplation during Lent. After Lent is over, I hope the blog will become a place for people to "echo" the sermons or share a story about connecting/reflecting God in their lives.

I've continued my daily prayer fairly consistently and more importantly, with a heart to do not just as a requirement. I've found my daily commitment to Practicing the Presence to be worthwhile and I've added Examen ... this discipline is important as a review of the day. I had hoped to do it in the evenings, but I can't seem to remember to incorporate a quiet time before I go to bed. I think that's something to move toward. Nonetheless, I am finding the Examen valuable even in the morning as I think about my previous day(s). The two questions that work best for me in this discipline is when did I feel most connected to God and the opposite, when did I feel most disconnected. Because of my nature, I tend to dwell too long on the disconnected moments. Inevitably, they are moments of anger or gossip or times when I want someone to think more highly of me as I tell of how someone else put me down. It's not a happy time to remember. But slowly I am learning to turn these disconnected moments over to God. That is, after all, the point. And conversely, give thanks for the connected time.

Practicing the Presence

I have marked Lent this year. It seemed important to mark it in a particular way. I just couldn't skip along through this season without laying down my heart before God and repenting of a number of wrong turns. Life is, after all, full of new beginnings.

I called my kids into the process as best I could and in the basics, they are "giving up" something... foods mostly, from French Toast to Pasta to Ice Cream... and me, I'm giving up Diet Coke... only those who really know me can appreciate THAT sacrifice... :-)

But they didn't get the "adding part." I thank our old priest/friend Jeff W for that insight ... that Lent is not just about sacrificing something we love but adding something as well: a discipline if you will. And so, I have resolved to re-enter amorning time again with God and to examine some of these disciplines. As good fortune would have it, I found a text that is ideal for my adventure called Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices that Transform Us by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun. Similar to Richard Foster's, Prayer, this book touches on a number of disciplines and gives suggested practices for each one. She encourages the reader to skim through them initially to find the one that touches the heart the most. She covers over 60 disciplines.

At first, I considered investigating journaling further ... but really, once I read through her description and suggested practices, I could say, yes, I know this discipline. She adds, "There is no right way to journal. You don't need to journal every day or even every week. Find the rhythm of journaling that suits your phase and stage of life." Yes. I have been walking this world both on paper and online and her words gave me a type of permission to claim my on again/off again ways as OK... because they are mine. So, I'll never write the Golden Notebook... well, maybe I will... but for now, this is all good for this time of my life.

And so, I moved to another: Practicing the Presence of God... of course, that phrase is modeled after Brother Lawrence's book by the same title. I could never hope to achieve that level of devotion, but I do want to draw my mind and heart more frequently to God's presence. I've co-opted a simple tactic. I bought a little digital watch that chimes on the hour. What a revelation! A hour passes so quickly and the mind is sucked up into the cares of the world in moments. And even more amazing, it's even more difficult to stop each hour for a short prayer when I'm on my "own time" at home than it is at work! Hmmm, oh pride.

Other notes: our pastor has asked us to corporately read an assigned scripture each day. These have added to my examination of the heart. And I've started a Women's Bible Study in my home: Wisdom Seekers. I'm blogging/journaling that as well. Seeking wisdom... seeking God... seeking the deeper walk.

Unsettling Life on Purpose

OK, I confess, I went out for a job interview. Now, that's an experience I haven't had in a long time. That was an interesting, but terribly unsettling process. Just re-doing the old resume sends a billion shivers up my spine: what if? what if? what if? And then, you mention it, sort of in passing to the family ... what will they say? In this case, the kids were pretty supportive... the husband, well, not so much. But of course, moving is supoosedly THE most stressful thing to do for a man... that's what I've heard. So, you put out the resume and take a breath. It's fine. Nothing happens.

Then, a phone call and suddenly, you've scheduled an interview and the what if bumps multiply exponentially. I even found myself internet surfing the real estate market. It's a little shocking. Is the grass really greener over there? I'm not so sure... will I still have a room to myself where I can contemplate ... or maybe just think about contemplating? Will I still have a fantastic triple window that draws me to the wonder of the woods and their seasonal transformations? Will I have custom made storage shelves? Will I have a room for all my craft supplies that I dream of using one day soon.

And then, the interview itself actually happens. It was wonderful really. The stars aligned and I felt like I really had something to give to this new organization. Everything hopeful and helpful came bubbling forth. The job seemed perfect for me... for my personality ... can I see myself walking up these stairs and down this hallway? Can I see myself behind that desk? Can I see myself in a corner office?

To top it all off... I get an offer. Whoa! That's not supposed to happen. I mean, I was looking... I'm always looking, just in case. But I didn't really expect an offer on my first time out of the gate. Now what!

We had a family conference... a really serious one. And in the end, the timing is just not quite right. The offer, not quite enough to disrupt everything and everyone. It was a flurry.... a great, amazing flurry. And I learned so much about myself. I'm not sure what the next event will be. But there are options now that I didn't really believe were there before. As ole' Martha Stewart would say, "that's a good thing."

Happy New Year

Well, it's almost time to wrap up 2006. What a year to remember... I just flew through my posts and I am amazed at my own roller coaster ride. Is there any surprise that I'm still reeling? I am truly overwhelmed ... by events, but also by God's faithfulness in the face of my fears and doubt. Now, truly, it's time to begin a new kind of journey. Although I don't usually rabble-rouse anymore or go out on the town, the New Year is a time for reflection and renewal. I don't like to think of them as resolutions... just starting points.

I'm going to try some new things this year... to venture out a bit into some new territory for me. One calling is to lead a Bible Study ... it's time for me to do this. I have put it off for a long time and although this is far from a good time, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a good thing. The challenge now is to focus on my first topic... I am intrigued by the challenge and how it will drive me back into the Word and into prayer. This is one of the keys for me.

There is also the long awaiting manuscript... yes, I need to return to this place too.

I am missing "friends." I feel a bit alone out here, despite a sweet and loving daughter nearby but there is friendship hole that is not being filled. Have I neglected the friends I have had in the past or are we just going different ways? Is it all too late? Have I missed their reaching out to me? Did I hurt them and not even know it? I know that our new family has put demands on my time in ways I could not have imagined, but now, I'm just feeling a lonely. Can this New Year also bring new connections between me and other women? Can I be open enough to see the opportunities? I pray I can...

Holidays are Flying By...

How does this happen? I really thought I was keeping up... but look here, it's almos Christmas! Thanksgiving was a joy but so quickly gone. My brother came along with 16 others: the Schwartz's, the Williams, and a wonderful missionary couple from Zambia. We stretched out 3 tables from the dining room into the living room and had a glorious feast.

Right now, I've got to get back downstairs and finish my European packages... they are once again, a few days late getting into the mail. But our tree is up and our lights are up and the house is decorated... most of the shopping done, now it's cookies and wrapping. What a bizaare ritual, these Christmas days. How have they become so? I don't really understand. It's expensive and stressful and yet, I would miss it terribly if it were cancelled. Well, I just wanted to get a post up before too much time elapsed. More later.

Getting My House In Order

I'm feeling a bit driven lately to "get my house in order." In the past, this has been a precursor to great change ... a sense of "something coming." And, to be honest, those previous "somethings" haven't all been good. I remember this feeling before I divorced the first time or when I moved from one state to another or when I changed jobs or when someone died. It's a "preparation" time for the event to come, but this time, I'm highly aware of it and as a result, a little afraid, I think.

I'm probably wrong, really. It may be my reaction to a life out of control. "Getting my house in order" may be about creating a surer footing in the face of fractured communications and strong demands on my time, energy, and resources by 3 full-fledged teenagers and a scattered mate.

But, in any case, it's both internal and external... the renovating of the living room & hall, the organizing, the ordering of books on shelves, the finding of a "home" for everything... that's the external... and, at the same time, looking inside for the kernel of self ... the little girl who knows her Father and walks with Him hand in hand... the woman who knows her Lover and reveals herself to Him... the mother who knows the true Son and ponders His truths in her heart: the Self who knows the Other and sees her reflection.

Celebrations and Transitions

October is our month for celebrations: first my birthday and then Lily's yesterday (the 22nd) and then our Anniversary on the 30th - good gracious, 24 years! Now, that's a long time.

Lily's birthday was fun. She really enjoyed being the queen for the day. She reminded everyone that she should have certain privileges - like sitting in the front seat on the way to the restaurant, ordering whatever she wanted on the menu, going into the stores she wanted to see at the mall, and once home, picking out which gifts to open first. It was like a mini-Christmas and like a little kid, she flashed through everything at first and then, later that evening, slowing went through each item and savored it on her own. Apparently, in Russia, most people don't even open presents in front of others, so she's just now getting the hang of this very American custom.

Her favorite gift was a little "electronic pet" - apparently, this one is a little more reliable than little Pinky who still barks a lot and has quite the mind of his own. Early in October, Lily got to attend her high school's homecoming dance with one of the other ESL students, Barbara. They had a great time and Lily was particularly thrilled to get to "dress up."

On a sad note, we lost Mercy, our senior citizen cat two weeks ago. This loss was hard for everyone in the family despite the fact that her age and blindness and general poor health had worn us all to the bone. Mike and I took her to the vet together for the "big shot" and cried with her as she passed gently into sleep. She was over 20 years old and had been with us most of our married years. Truly, the end of an era for us.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. In some ways, it wasn't terribly memorable. After all, the family celebrated this past Sunday with a nice brunch in a great restaurant (of course, the kids complained about the menu... sigh!)... and with Lily driving the "let's go shopping for Mom's (pronounced muam) birthday presents, I got quite the "haul" this year. That's a switch.

But here's the reality. I'm in that next "age group" box. I hate that. Officially, I'm now in the last box ... 55 and older. Yowl! I can hardly stand it. I think I'll have a real crisis here shortly.... yep, it's coming!

Then, yesterday, I decided to tackle the "weight issue" again. That was obviously age motivated as well. Nonetheless, here was today's litany: the only thing you can really control is what you eat today. That about sums it up.

Girl Time

I am almost to the point where having a daughter is becoming "some part" of normal. Lily is calling out the girl of me, a part I didn't realize I had somehow lost over the years. I was never much of a girly-girl but I do remember long talks with the girlfriends of my youth. I think it's a good thing for her ... for me, to capture these feelings, these connections now. As her English improves and she finds new friends, our special times will probably diminish.

But for now, she looks for me at night, right before bed, and asks for talking time. Tonight, we looked at one of my old yearbooks and she laughed as I showed her pictures of old boyfriends. She wants to know my story and she wants me to know hers.

Today is Kip's birthday. It was fun to have another girl in the house insisting that all the presents be wrapped and secrets kept. I am amazed, really, that my little boy is fourteen. And soon, I know it will happen too soon, he will be bringing a young woman home to meet Mom and Dad. Will there be girl time then too? I wonder.

Each New Day

Like this sun rising over Assateague Island, each new day has been an adventure... a discovery... through watching Lily transform right before our eyes and a new family transform from four to five. The boys have been great. I'm so proud of them. I'm so proud of her. She's an amazing girl. We're getting better at this new family each day.

I have relished my time at home as a full time mom (for a few weeks), but with the start of school on August 28th, so did my work (at 3/4 time), so I still have after school with the kids. It's a special time. I didn't realize what I was missing before. There's an energy that explodes from the kids right after school. I see them in a different way than I did at 6 pm after work.

The only thing I have too little of is time alone. I look at this sunrise and remember what it took to crawl out of bed while the kids were sacked out in the motel.... to drive over onto the island ... to wait for the sun. When I started this journaling journey, over a year ago, I created a space to call my own and I created a morning vigil. I trained myself to rise early and have that alone time. Now, even 5 am isn't early enough. I'm really tired. Lily rises almost as early to get ready and catch her school bus by 6:30. Do I go back to the late night? I don't know. I'll need to squeeze something out. I need to feel the rising son in my soul.

Kip, Sergei & Lily at Williamsburg... the weather wasn't very cooperative the first day, but after that, we had two great days at the parks. The best thing at Water Country was Hubba Hubba... but we called it Lazy River, and at Busch Gardens (although a little disappointed in the variety of rides) we enjoyed all the roller coasters. Even Mom took the "plunge" and got on the one with dangling feet (once is enough). Today we're off to the beach. Hurrah!

Just One More

Well, it's all true... we couldn't resist to add one more to our family. May I introduce Pinky Brown. The boys want to add a more macho middle name but for Lily, I guess he'll always be just Pinky. Our shelter dog arrived today and although things went great with all the cats and with Daisy, the Boston Terrier, it's Winston, the old man Pug, who's having some adjustment problems. Tomorrow, we're off to the beach and Mike will be in charge of the transition for Pinky. Lily doesn't want to leave him, but I think everything will be fine. We're looking forward to a great week.

Family Fun & Shelter Dog

It's been one week for Lily as an American. She's been doing really great! I am so proud of her. And today, she really started showing her personality. We were driving to the "Russia House," a store in Northwest Baltimore and I pulled out a nail file to quickly file down a broken nail. Her mouth dropped open, "What you doing? You crazy?" Then she said, "I'm young, I want to live. You old, you want to die, OK, but I young." It was hysterical. I then told her the story of many years ago when Mike and I were going on a long trip south by car (we were without kids at the time). Mike was fast asleep and I was bored on the road, so I had a book in my lap. Yep, I know it's nuts. I wasn't seriously reading... but enough so that Mike woke up and just about about had a coronary. I've never lived that one down. I went ahead and told Lily. She laughed and laughed and then said, "Whoo! Crazy family I have now."

While we did the Baltimore trip, Mike stayed home and made dinner for us. It was great (although Lily is really not eating much yet... in fact, she's eating next to nothing ... a yogurt or hot dog is about all we can get her to eat). Anyway, Mike made grilled salmon, grilled green beans, grilled asparagus, AND grilled okra (gross! - I hate okra) as well as corn on the cob and salad. We were enjoying our meal and Mike kept trying to get someone (anyone) at the table to eat the okra... no takers. Finally, Kip said, "I'll eat one if you give me five bucks!" Mike agreed and then the drama began. He did it! We hooted and then, surprise of all surprises, Lily chimes in, "you give me 5 American dollars to eat one too?" Mike said, "sure!" Then she adds, "how about 6 dollars for me?" We all cracked up! We've got an entrepreneur in the house. Mike said, "you've got a deal" and sure enough, this girl ate an okra spear, grimacing the whole time. We all clapped and cheered. It was so great... just to laugh like that as a whole family.

On another note, when we were coming home from Baltimore, Lily followed up on an earlier conversation we had had about going to visit the local animal shelter. Well, to make a longish story a little shorter, we went to the local shelter and walked the pens. Most of the dogs were really big dogs and she was clearly not interested. At one point, I explained that none of these dogs have families. And in that moment, a deep chord was struck and huge alligator tears rolled down her cheeks. I felt so badly for her. Then, the next moment, we look in a pen, and there's a sweet little fur ball abou the size of peke-a-poo but all peachy and fast asleep. She cried out, "oh, there's my dog... I'll be family for that dog!" It was a genuine connection. So, here's the short of it, the little dog is not available til Tuesday and it's first come first serve. I have explained to her that we might not get this little dog... but if you could see her face, you would understand... it would be perfect for her to have this little rescue. We would love it too.

No Place Like Home

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

When all is said and done, I see very clearly how special and wonderful it is to be back home. I wanted to see my boys and dogs and cats and I wanted to understand my world again. I think about my girl... she's got a lot of hard days ahead. There are very few familiar things to grab onto by her. She's asked to use the computer a bit... to see Russian sites (specifically Tatu, a Russian music group) and she's asked to call her Russian friend who was adopted last year... just to hear Russian, I know. She's holding it together for now.

My heart knows it will be Ok, but unlike me, she can't knock the heels of her slippers together to "get back home again." The hot air balloon gondola is really gone and she's in Oz now to stay. We all pray it will be even better than the "Oz" of her dreams.