Damn the Head Cold

I cannot believe how powerful the Head Cold can be. My God it's a brain suck. I am totally wiped out today and I was the same yesterday and all the while, trying to do "business as normal" thing... not very successfully I might add.

Business does not feel normal. I don't really care about anything or to put it bluntly, about anybody. I have several books I could be reading; I have several manuscripts that need my attention; I have a program coming up that needs editing; I have a website that needs developing. And right now, I just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

In a couple of hours, I have to go to a reception to "network." The only reason I'm going to drag myself there is that it's "dinner" - you know, heavy hors d'oeuvres. Is that spelled correctly? I don't care.

One good moment: yesterday, I got to hear Elie Wiesel speak at a luncheon. He was amazing. He talked so eloquently about evil and hate ... how important it is for us remember the acts of evil men and women... the acts of hatred in the history of humankind. Why don't we remember? Why do people continue to brutalize one another in the name of righteousness? Why does evil seem to have the upper hand?

I don't know. In fact, none of us do.

Answered Prayer and More Prayer

I broke my fast this morning with a private communion between God and me. Oh sweet joy of knowing God's faithfulness through these days of fasting and prayer. I am in awe of His goodness.

The agency did call and it's official, they are accredited and they are now fast-tracking our process. Our new Home Study social worker is promising the completed document by the end of next week and so, along with our own updates for the dossier, we should be ready to travel by April. This is our next prayer - that the Ministry of Education in St. Petersburg will view our "request to adopt" favorably and "invite us." Please join us in this prayer.

We spoke with Lily by phone today (as we do each Friday) and her voice, though clouded with a cold, was full of hope and joy. And the other surprise? She received our Christmas gift to her ... one we mailed last November. It was a sweet sign for her.

But most important for me during this process was the discovery of trusting God again... trusting God with our future... with her future.

Fasting and Praying

How many ways are there to knock on the door of God's heart?

Last weekend, I attended our church's women's retreat and asked all the women to pray for our family and our adoption situation. On my return from the weekend I felt like I needed to do some act, some gesture to actively partner with those 180 prayer warriors, and so I decided to initiate a fast. It has been a long time since I have fasted, but this I know, a fast that is not spirit-led is gruesome and pointless. I felt confident that God was in this one and started last Monday, not knowing how long I would continue.

On that same day, my old friend Sandy of last summer had a triple bypass operation. When I went to see her, she looked dreadful and could barely take a breath, but she was compelled to tell me of a vision she saw of me praying prostrate on the floor for ten days and ten nights (this said, without knowing I was fasting). It confirmed my decision to fast and pray.

On Tuesday, I got a phone call saying, unofficially, that our agency is suddenly scheduled to be bumped up to accreditation for next week! And so, I am believing the official news of their accreditation will come on the 10th day of my fast and we will be able to re-start the adoption process for Lily. If the accreditation does not come through for any reason, we will begin an independent adoption through an attorney in Russia... not an easy choice.

Today is day six on clear liquids and all is well. I don't have as much energy as I would like and I'm always cold, but I am trusting God to reveal what is needed, when it is needed. Yes, I believe God is hearing the clamor at "his door."

Sorrow in the Waiting

Things are still not working out with our adoption. It is almost 2 years that we have been in this process with one setback after another. I have cried out to God to break the chains of bureaucracy and cultural distrust, but so far, to no avail. Oh heart.

Most of all, I grieve for her... for Lily. Each week, when we speak (through an interpreter), she asks, "Any news yet?" "Please, no more bad news," she cries. "Will this ever happen, really? Tell me the truth," she declares, "I have one foot in the United States and one foot in Russia and I cannot bear it." Oh sweet Lily. Sweet girl, I am so sorry.

Last week, I cried on the phone and she chastised me. "You must be strong, Irmiya (for it is Lily that coined that name for me). If you are not strong, then I hurt even more." And so, each week, I try to find something positive, something full of hope, some lighthearted story about our dogs or cats or even something silly about me or Mike. She got a big kick out of my story about backing out of the garage and annihilating my sideview mirror. (Of course, Mike didn't think it was all that funny, $400 later.)

Anyway, if you're reading, then pray. Our current hurdle: the local adoption agency is refusing to "update" our home study because our current "placing agency" from out of state is still not accredited. (Soon, they say, accreditation soon... for months it's been their chorus.) If the local agency won't update, we might be in a position of having to start all over again. More time and more time and more money and more money. We are starting looking at other possibilities ... even trying a private adoption, but there are no guarantees there either. So, right now, let's just face this one problem: get the home study updated. Then, decide what to do next.

I've been reading the psalms. They are truly amazing. One (maybe two) per day during my quiet time. It's astounding how there is always a line or two that captures the heart of a feeling, a concern, a fear, a yearning. Over the weekend, Psalm 74:19, 22, "Do not hand over the life of your dove to beasts... Rise up, O God, and defend your cause." Oh Lord, have mercy on your little turtledove, Lily. Have mercy and grant the desires of her heart to come to America. Sustain her hope in midst of waiting... and ours.

Consecration by Fire

Our church has erected a new sanctuary, but unlike any building most of us have ever seen. It's a "sprung" building, similar to the one linked here. The building has been dubbed "The Tent" which is not bad and certainly better than some other things that come to mind when looking at its shape. ;-)

As part of preparing to move into the facility, interested church members were asked to submit a 250 word devotional which will be put together into a booklet for each family to share in the 40 days prior to our grand opening.

This opportunity to write led me to think again about consecration and fire. The piece I wrote turned into a 2-parter and through this writing, I was reminded of the absolute necessity to walk through "fire," in whatever form that fire might take. This fire might be tribulations or pain or sorrow or loss, but it is the stuff that refines the heart. We often want to insulate ourselves away from adversity and pain, but whether we are able put off our trials of today for another time or not, we will face the fire sooner or later. Like a clay pot that must be fired for its true beauty to be revealed, so too, must we experience and allow fire to reveal our own inner strength and beauty ... the God-given part that comes from within.

Exodus 40:34-38

Pilates and me

Just feeling invigorated by my new Pilates class. What's amazing is to realize that we were learning "pilates" in acting school 30 years ago in New York. It must have been so new & trendy then that it didn't have a name. If I only could have guessed, I could be a Pilates guru now. My apologies to Bobby Troka and all the other movement/body folks who kept trying to convince us that this body work was the wave of the future. Ah well.

Nonethess, it's pretty cool to still be able to do many of the moves and to keep up with the "gen-ys" in the class. I bought a mat tonight on the way home from class and hope

It's a good thing because I needed this. I've been so tired of being sick the last week or so and generally feeling crummy. I've never been very good about "rising above" my illnesses. I can't even fathom how folks with serious diseases are able to maintain their good humor and face each day with hope. Of course, they say, human beings tend to rise to the need. God bless 'em. Perhaps part of my down feelings were "me" giving myself permission to slow down and "do nothing." I've never been good at that either.

I don't like that driven feeling at all and yet, like white noise, it hovers about me pretty regularly. Well, awareness is part of the healing. And I think, body awareness is too.

Three challenges are on my plate besides the regular stuff (work, home, kid etc.):
1) Write a meditation on "consecration" for a brochure that will be distributed to our church in February.
2) Present my workshop: Navigating the Cereal Aisle of Life, How to Build a Personal Mission Statemnt next week.
3) Write & rehearse (along with a young woman) 4 vignettes for a woman's retreat end of February.

Take a breath, breathe out slowly. All will be well.

Rituals and Routine

Yesterday was a blessed day as I slowly wound my way back into creative work and routine.

I started a Pilates class which was great and really energized me. And although I have been fairly faithful (not while I was out of town, ok, I know) about working out, it was great to embrace something new into my routine.

Mike read my manuscript and that was scarey because he can be disparaging sometimes, but I think he was much more open this time since I had read his screenplay (1/2 done) while we were in Nebraska and because of Brenda Ueland, I was able to give him lots of praise and encouragement. It's what he needed. It's what I needed. Gosh, something actually worked between us for a change.

I spent a lot of time in my space yesterday and it just glowed and glimmered throughout the day. The weather was gloomy outside, but the many candles and soft lights in my sanctuary made it feel very womb-like. I had prayer time and writing time and just sitting or sleeping time.

Although I didn't sleep well last night, still struggling with a chest cold, I woke early enough to begin my day with prayer and get the boys off to their first school day after break without a battle, and I put in a full day at work.

It's still pretty early and already, I have put in my requisite 300 words on my manuscript and I have accepted another gig - to write/produce/perform 4 short dramatic vignettes in late February at a women's retreat. I hope that wasn't a mistake, but it felt right to say yes.

One last thing to share... Sunday night, during the evening service, a masked gunman came into the sanctuary of our church and robbed the people there, forcing children to walk up and down the aisle collecting wallets and purses. I'm glad I missed it. What a travesty. What will that mean for other churches in the area? What will it mean for us?

Hiatus and More Beginnings

Two months. I can't believe I haven't written here since October. But I know the reason, really. I have not been able to split my energies to include the blog. Even today, I am torn with other responsibilities and desires. I need to prepare for my "personal mission" workshop that's coming up in a few short weeks, I need to return to my manuscript (which came to a screeching halt in the face of the holidays and preparations for my problem-solving/creative thinking workshop in December) and I have "the bills" which appear to have a little gremlin perched above them who screeches obscenities at me for not paying "the bills" before the New Year. ("You'll be sorry," it squeals, "you didn't pay your bills by the New Year, you'll be poor all year long!" - ah yes, I remember now, that was my mother who always said that.)

And yet, despite the cacophony, this New Year heralds sweet promises. Historically, New Year's Day hasn't meant much, I prefer my birthday as a time marker, but 2006 feels full of change and wonder. All right, I confess, I do have a few little rituals like wearing something new on New Year's Day (today it's pink socks) and having money in my wallet; and Mike has always insisted we eat black-eyed peas and spinach, so I've gotten sucked into that one after 20 years as well. I also make a few standard resolutions for improvement: the perennial diet, the unread classics, the unorganized desk, the unpainted bathroom (or bedroom, or closet - there's always something that needs to be painted) etc.

But truly, there's a hopefulness in this year that I haven't had in a long time. Perhaps it's because I sense big changes are coming. Perhaps it's because I believe in my mission and I'm actively pursuing it. I don't know. But I am back and I want to tackle the challenge of chronicling this time of creativity as best I can.

Here's my latest read: If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland, original copyright 1936. It's awesome. Oh, that I would have had such a mentor to spark my writing, my desires, my heart. Oh, that I could become more like her and spark the hearts of others. I can. I will.

Writing, Growing and Knowing

It's late and I'm tired, but too many days have passed and I'm feeling I have lost my momentum here. But it's hard to keep the momentum going on all the fronts when there is so much happening in my mind, heart, and spirit.

It is said that habits are made in 21 days, so you see, I lost this habit, but I have picked up a few new ones: I am rising early to have a quiet time in my sanctuary/room. Each morning, around 5:30, I come in and light the many candles and sit and pray or read or I am just quietly sitting and listening. It is as I had hoped and it is a good thing.

I have scheduled two workshops to share my experiences with building a personal mission statement. Right now, it's for the general public and it's called "Navigating the Cereal Aisle of Life: How to Build a Personal Mission Statement." I will be using this and then adapting it for librarians as I plan to present at MLA. It is almost complete in basic content.

And, I am working on my book... at last. It is set in St. Petersburg right now and it's a good thing to be writing. I was very much affected by Ann Lamott and her book, Bird by Bird. I thank her for writing the words that stirred my heart enough to begin. She says, start small and just start... not to worry if it's the beginning or the middle. So I did and I have and I write at least 300 words a day. It's a good beginning.

In front of me, as I write, I have a new photograph that I purchased at the local arts festival. It's a water lily between several pads floating on the water. It carries deep calm inside it and for me, it is a touchstone for our Lily still waiting for us to come and get her. The book is really dedicated to her and the children like her and to our boys who escaped that life.

I am Fire ...

I have been on a bit of a personal journey these past few weeks ... one of the authors I read has tweaked my interst in developing that personal mission and vision statement for myself (I poked around a little with this when we were working on our Strategic Plan at work). One of the exercises asked me to select which of the four basic elements: wind, water, earth & fire ... were most like me... and then, to build on the idea with descriptive words and verbs which would become a kind of story poem about me. This is what I discovered:

I am fire.
Consuming fire, full of heat, light, and power,
Sometimes dangerous, unpredictable, angry, and volatile, yet
Glowing, mezmerizing, full of light, and colors:
White, yellow, orange, red, and blue.
Persistent, indestructable, and swift.
Cleansing, refining, purifying fire,
Respected and often feared.
Misunderstood.

I, Irmgarde, am fire.
I can destroy, consume and burn
But I also transform, change and refine.
I warm others.
I heat up situations.
I am a cleansing change agent.
I illumine dark places.
I glow.
I crackle!
I flame.
I light the way.

---

A work in progress:

My mission is to inspire meaningful change, build faith, and connect people with resources that can make a difference in their lives.

What do you think?

First Day of School

I think all parents have an annual transition time when their kids head off to school. I basically still function on a school year. It's like something needs to start happening once September rolls around. It's time to get serious... new projects, new plans, new directions. :-)

Well, my oldest is off to high school tomorrow. I can remember Kindergarten and 1st grade... that look as he headed into the school building for the first time or got on the school bus. Red letter days! And now, here we are, facing high school and attitude and sloppy jeans and girls who write "Sergei is Sexy" with magic marker on his arm. Gad! I'm surprised they didn't write their phone numbers ... or maybe they did and he pocketed those, along with their IM names.

My youngest returns to the safety of Catholic school and 7th grade... he'll be seeing his friends again... he'll be back on familiar turf. That's a good thing, I think. Will he become such a stranger as Sergei is becoming? I need to let go... I know that intellectually. I'm working on it. Honest.

And my third... my poor stray daughter, still waiting in St. Petersburg for her new parents to come and pick her up. I know she feels forgotten. Oh Lord, make a way... break open the gates so we can bring her home. She should be starting school now too. She should be a freshman too. But the delays become longer and longer. The Russian government is tightening the restrictions. And the girl, my poor daughter, knows nothing of the bureaucracy... only feels yet another rejection, another abandonment. Have mercy, Lord. Have mercy on Lili. Make a way... only You can truly make a difference here. Like the widow in Luke 18:1-8.... I plead the power of persistence and justice!

Old Friends

Many people go to reunions, but I just had something better ... not just any reunion, but a particular kind of one... a reunion with two women who have been my friends since high school ... dare I say, 40 years ago! We haven't been particularly close over all of those years and yet, there is a knot that holds us together.

One of them is a psychotherapist in California who specializes in music therapy along with other spiritual practices and the other has a PhD in Special Education and is tenured at a small southern college. They are deeply thoughtful women who challenge their worlds both within and without. They are women who have never stopped searching, believing, hoping, and growing.

We are really quite different, we three, but we respect each other and rejoice in the simple of knowing of on another.

We know about the big moments in each other's lives and often, we've even managed to share a few in person. But we also cherish the small intimacies that only longevity and perseverance can produce. I believe, in many ways, we still trust each other... maybe not as deeply as we did, those Shortridge High School girls sitting in the grass contemplating the sorrows of racial strife, assasinations, and the Vietnam War. The pulling apart already started in college even though we attended the same school. We each took such different roads once we left Indiana University ... and yet, here we are, so many years later, filling an afternoon on the Magothy River with our life stories.

Thank you Mary and Becky. I am grateful for your friendship.

Almost There...

My nephew was here this week. He has turned out well... He had a few near misses - bad choices and the like, but clearly, now, at 24, he's become a good man, delightful company, and a good influence on the boys. Thanks Stoff!

Next week, the boys go to "away" camp ... a week with no arguing. How will I use my time? There is still much on the home front. Our worker is finished, but chaos still reigns. Got to move Sergei's stuff into his new room. Got to finish Lily's room. Almost there, upstairs... almost there. The basement storage area beckons ... but should I give up my week of quiet there... I don't think so.

My sacred space beckons as well. I think, yes. I will take a day next week, maybe two, and finish here in my room. Put my art on the walls. Hang my curtains... File my papers. Embrace my altar and build it from the inside out. Feel the part of it. See the whole of it. Almost there.

I also need to think about my "new street" a little. Today, at work, they had the follow-up Strategic Planning meeting - the "action plans" step and I was not included. That hurt. Again, a sense of being out of favor... of not being valued at that level. But, the Leadership Institute gave me an edge that I must hold onto... I need to recover the feeling, the sense, the belief ... that I do have value and I can create my own favor. Almost there ....

What is it that I have to say? Can I build my own content? Can I focus and compile all that scattered "stuff" from books, seminars, and conferences. Can I work through the fear of tripping up again? Can I do more than just dream about it?

So far, unfortunately, I've reacted in my cliche way ... more information gathering!!! I think I have 12 books on hold at the library and more on order from the bookstore ... and yet, I know... I know, down in there somewhere, that I must stop gathering (Little Voice says: "oh, not yet... I'm not ready ... just need to read more, see more, hear more... not yet... don't stop yet.")... but I know, I must stop... I must stop long enough to sort through what is already there. Why don't I trust what I already have in my head... in my heart... in my soul? Why does it never seem to be enough?

Almost there... it always seems to feel like I'm only almost there... Will I reach my own "tipping point" this time?

Walking Down Another Street

I left the Institute Friday around 1:30 pm and arrived home by 2. I was so full of hope and invigorated with all kinds of ideas and possibilities. By 2:30, I was walloped with the reality of a chaotic house run by by 2 teenaged boys and a husband/father who doesn't do multi-tasking particularly well. Talk about deflated! I got sucked right into the chaos and disappointment.

Today, a day later, I feel a little better, but it has been difficult to rekindle that rush. But whether I rekindle it or not, the future is still before me and I can choose to change it. I can take a another street.

Here's a poem that Becky Schreiber shared with us, written by Portia Nelson:

Autobiography in Five Chapters

1)
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…I am hopeless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
I still takes a long time to get out.

3)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall…it's a habit
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately

4)
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5)
I walk down another street.

I think it's time to sincerely consider moving on to the next chapter (and street) of my life.

Make an Offer

I'm at a "leadership institute" this week. And there have been some keys, but the biggest key so far was based on a quick remark that came out of last night's session.

A leader must be aware of her surroundings ... environment ... whatever, and out of that awareness and/or sensitivity, observes a need. Based on that observed need, she "makes an offer" to meet that need ... or address the situation ... or bring about an improvement or recommend a change. As a followup, if her offer is accepted, she must now deliver the goods. Being a leader is both sides - awareness enough to make the offer and the ability to follow through.

Being this kind of a leader requires self-awareness and a willingness to give of oneself. Being a leader of this kind requires self-sacrifice. It's a choice.

This Institute is specifically work-related, but the application goes beyond work. It applies to church, community, family and more. I believe it requires my removing the blinders of my typical way of seeing.

I am a leader. But I am a leader that has been sitting on the sidelines. Just considering the idea of "making an offer" has frozen me. I have grown too tired to lead ... consumed by the juggling of daily life. I think I need to review my inner truth.... to make an offer.

Friends and an Unfolding Life

Thanks Kathy... you're the best!

What a joy. My dear friend came down from New York to help move our houseguest (been here since April something) - involving ex-husbands, many pick-ups, helpers, and more. And if that wasn't enough lugging and laughing, she helped me get my focus back on my sanctuary/study... wow! what a difference. It's now a neat, quiet and openly loving space. I am so happy as I spend time here today. We revolved my desk so I can rest my eyes on the beautiful woods behind our home. If I look to the right, I see my many bookshelves filling with my favorite books, finally getting some breathing room after long months in basement boxes. The newly purchased victorian chair goes great with the new loveseat and everything just feels enveloping. We even got my old secretary desk in a perfect corner, awaiting my candles, pictures, objet d'art for my altar. What a difference it has made ... a place to go.... hide, sleep, read, study, work... it all feels perfect. It's really my long-hoped for dream room. ...the healing has begun.

And THEN, we worked on the family room... it too, has been transformed and welcomes everyone in. No more boxes, less clutter, less furniture. Can't wait for my other friends to "come see... come see" and enjoy our home.

There was a lot of hard work (and there's more to do), and despite the fact that every computer in my house is "down" - I am more hopeful today than I have been in a long time. Everything will work out fine.

Our home is really a lovely place. It can be the nest that everyone in my family can enjoy.

I am just very grateful for my friend who understood what I needed this weekend without my even saying it. I look forward to the day I can do the same for her.

Today, in preparation for a Leadership Institute I've been invited to attend (only some 23 participants statewide - that's cool)... I started reading one of the books on their recommended list: Synchronicity: The Inner Path of Leadership by Joseph Jaworski (as in son of Leon Jaworski ... Watergate prosecutor - for those of us old enough to remember...) ... Anyway, I love the book already. Among other things, he talks a great deal about relationships as central to our being... not our doing.

Jaworski asks us to make "fundamental shifts of the mind... to think that the world can ever change without changes in our mental models is folly. ... it's about a shift from seeing a world made up of things to seeing a world that's open and primarily made up of relationships, (emphases mine) where whatever seems most real to us, is actually nonsubstantial. ... we live in a world of possibilities."

Today, tonight, I welcome this world. I commit to living it, feeling it, unfolding within it. Thanks friend. You also have been a part of this little reawakening too.

To Those Who Have...

Well, there's a scripture ... To Those Who Have Will More Be Given Matthew 13:12. Of course, the implication is that it's about "good things." But today, I think this is a principle that's applying to the other side.

Certainly feels like I'm experiencing a fat load of more crap.

Our adoption is delayed yet again because of the paperwork. Since our agency is still not accredited (Russia has been withholding), we must do an "independent" adoption so that many of our papers need to be redone.... that's not just filling them out, but also getting them notarized, carried to the county for their seal and then driven to the state capitol for their seal, then fed-exed to the agency. Naturally, because of the chaos of the house, I could not find the originals. Burst into tears last night.

Then, after more translation, they're saying our first trip won't be until August and probable "pick-up" in October. I feel so badly for our girl.... waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm sure she's even questioning her decision to come. It all feels so heavy today.

Chaotic house doesn't help. My sanctuary is cluttered with things waiting to be moved to the basement... almost done... almost done. Our bedroom is painted a vibrant blue-green ... feels like a water color, but we are waiting for the crown molding to be done. Bed in the middle of the room. I fell off the step stool... crunched my legs. yow. Boxes everywhere. Can't find anything.

House guest is moving out on Saturday.... but of course, I have to arrange the whole thing... trucks, people etc.

And work deadline hovering... July 11. OK. Take a breath. This too shall pass. It will all come together. Mantra: This day is a day given to me to walk and live to the fullest. I surrender to this day. Breathe. "BUT ALL WILL BE WELL, AND EVERY KIND OF THING WILL BE WELL." Julian of Norwich

How Should I Count the Time?

It's all happening so fast ... and yet, it's also at a standstill.

Activity - a flurry, but nothing finished... all in process, all in a state of becoming, but nothing finalized.

My sacred space now has 4 bookshelves neatly lined up like soldiers on one wall ... no books on them, but the shelves are there. The loveseat comes on Wednesday and then I can get the other shelves to fill in on both sides. I just found a wonderful antique reading chair to compliment the sofa - but Nicky (the fattest cat in the whole wide world) is trying to claim it as his own personal sacred space. :-) I'm trying to find an antique corner cabinet for my altar. (See last part of entry called Strategic Planning.) No luck so far... but I'm holding out for the right piece on this one.

On the other hand, the tops to my new desk had to be replaced twice because of damage via shipping. Then, the cable people had to come out to get the data line working and then the router died (drives the wireless network) and a computer guy (well, it was really a gal) had to come in to troubleshoot. Finally, everything up and running but then the boys got Trojan Worms (probably from IM'ing) and now both of their computers are DOWN and out until I can "wipe" them and start over. Sigh.

And then, out of nowhere, Mike decided it was time we got new bedroom furniture (since we've never had anything but the college look - bed on frame, mismatched everything else), so, suddenly, we appear to be creating another special space... this is one that he is participating in and that is ... well, that's just downright new. He even hired the contractor who's doing the basement, Mr. George, to put in crown molding. Whoa. Go, Mike. So, we splurged on a queen size sleigh bed, 2 dressers and a night stand in luscious cherry wood. That stuff arrives in a month, so now, we gotta get the painting done in there soon. I think Mike's actually going to help paint. I'mt thinking there may be something special in this change.

Kip is opting for our old bed while Sergei is getting a loft bed... this is all before Lily comes. (See April: Family & Holiness)

The basement space is coming together. George finished Mike's studio and next he's starting on the "craft space." It really looks great. I think it's cold as blazes down there, but Mike likes it that way. We'll also have two storage spaces... although right now, it's total chaos as we had to move "stuff" from one side to the other, from one section to another, so he could build the rooms one by one.

Yesterday, the mulch came. 4 yards of it, but not enough, so the yard's only 1/2 done. But the front & side flower beds are done and part of the back, so it looks better. It's all part of getting some order... it felt good to work in the yard again. But I was so tired after only 4 hours... I felt very old. Time... again, fooling me.

It was just a weekend ago that we went to Omaha to see our niece graduate from high school. Where has that time gone? She is so beautiful and we were all so proud... 3rd in a class of 400+ Go, girl. But the joyousness was mired by the tensions there. My brother looking for work, his wife focused on her work and her world, and the older boys (in their 20's), still finding themselves. There was such a very big elephant in every room. But our time was too short and it just didn't seem appropriate for me to cry out: Look, don't you see the elephant? Instead, we all tried to act "normal."

At our last meal at the cafe, Sunday brunch, tempers really flared and I couldn't stand the thought of getting on a plane with harsh words behind us. I finally grabbed Aleks out back and said to him what I wanted to say to them all: "I love you. I will never stop loving you, no matter what choices you make, no matter what mistakes you make. I will always love you because that's all I can do. Please don't treat me like you believe I don't even care. Because it's not true... never was, and never could be." He broke. He hugged me. He said he was sorry. I said, "I don't want to lose you." And I knew then, that it was this that I feared the most ... to lose part of my family because of a broken marriage, broken hearts ... to lose the people that I love... not just Aleks, but all of them... my brother, his wife, their kids... I don't want to lose them. Oh, God, do a work there. Please.

And last of all, our Lily news... which is no news. Here the clock has appeared to stop altogether. All papers turned in but nowhere to go. Just wait. We still hope to travel end of June... but it's middle of June already. She's at camp now. We can't even call. I try not to think about it. Our last call was not so good. She was angry and frustrated - why haven't you come? Why is it taking so long? I can't blame her. I'd be angry too. There's no way to explain to her about the many stupid problems. They would be meaningless to her. The last stupidity? When we submitted our dossier at the county clerk's office, our notary's seals turned out to be inaccurate. That was not a good day. We got the papers corrected, but not without much angst. So, now, the documents are in Russia being translated. And then, to make matters even worse, we heard that the other family "heard" that some of the judges are NOT granting the adoptions. Oh Lord. Have mercy. The other family goes June 28. We hold them up in prayer. We hold our own situation. We ask that you pray too.

Stories for Healing

OK, so here's where I'm really headed and what this whole space thing has been driving toward.

Some months ago, I felt called to build a web site that would be a compilation of stories... my story as well as the stories of other men and women who, otherwise, might not get their stories "out there." From the process of telling, re-telling, and writing these stories, I believed there would be other people in the artistic community who would "echo" the stories through their craft - be it visual art, performance art, or whatever. All of this would be posted. That's the Lydia Mosaic and I am still committed to that project.

In the meantime, I discovered Dan Allender who was writing the book, "To Be Told" (recently released) and who was offering workshops on personal stories for healing. I was amazed at the similarities and decided to attend his workshop last August. The workshop was very insightful and although there were clear differences of vision, there was fruit there that I wanted to incorporate into the Lydia Mosaic.

One of the keys to Allender's point of view on personal stories is that each one of us is really God's story... we are an expressions of who God is... our stories, full of pain and joy, are all about God in this world. And, we are actually co-authors with God in the telling (and walking out) of our stories (whether we are conscious of this truth or not).

Tonight, as I was driving home from choir rehearsal, I realized that I have been telling my story for many years (in the form of 'testimony') and thinking I was being too self-absorbed. But, I believe I see now that I was already moving in this arena of story as an expression of God. The next step is to discover the patterns of my story... for these are the clues to the story that hasn't been written yet.

This space... this sacred space that I am trying to grow inside my chaotic home environment is the place I have wanted to truly birth the Lydia Mosaic and to continue my unraveling of personal truth ... to continue my heart's journey.

But the physical space is moving more slowly than the driving in my heart to begin, to work. So, I understand, I think, that I must build my inner space with more determination. For, in the end, the work is going to happen there first anyway. The physical space is the cocoon, yes, but I think I am being forced to work from inside out.

Like my thumb, which, on the outside, is healed after the surgery, and yet the nerves are still firing and giving me much pain. The interior structure is operating on a different schedule... a different plane. I cannot rush it. I must acknowledge it.... walk it. Live it. It's all going to happen.

It's and/both... I must nurture my inner space and build my outer space... whether they appear to be "together" or not. They will converge along the way.

Space only Works if your IN It

Grrrrr! Just want to be in my space.... just want to collect all the pieces and put them together. Just want ... just want....

Wireless network not working right. Kids in my face... want IM back... yada yada. House guest needs to rant and talk talk talk. Husband sick ... not that sick, but there's much moaning and groaning. Basement contractor good... but needs this... needs that. Move the boxes, make a path. New microwave arrived today... needs to be installed. What's for dinner, mom? Chicken Again??? yeah, what? You wanna cook? And my hand still hurts after surgery. Numb on one side, nerves firing on the other, all confused.

I AM COMPLAINING!

But here's the real truth, don't ya know? Space is not physical. Space is inside. So, come on, step inside. Space is always there. Just got a choose it. So, I choose it now. For this small moment. I am there. And so, peace is still possible despite the chaos.